Author Topic: Comedy Scene (Please send feedback)  (Read 1122 times)

Offline Hunter

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Comedy Scene (Please send feedback)
« on: May 02, 2017, 05:39:38 PM »
  INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

 Jake and Emma are in the waiting room waiting to be called back. Jake, still high as a kite, is paranoid,
 thinking that the parents and their babies know he's high. A nurse comes out..

                            NURSE
    Emma Clarke! Dr. Jones will see you now.

 Jake and Emma follow the nurse down a hallway and in to a room..

                            NURSE
   This is Dr. Jones' office, he will be with you shortly.

                             EMMA
                          Thank you..

 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

 While waiting, Emma, knowing Jake is still high, tries to get him
 to relax. Moments later, an old man, Dr. Jones, walks in with a 
 SUBWAY sandwich in his hand. He puts the sandwich down on his
 desk and introduces himself..

                          DR. JONES
    Hi, I'm Dr. Jones, but you can call me Terry.

                              EMMA
           Hi, my name is Emma, and this is..

 Both Emma and Dr. Jones look over at Jake, while he is
 staring at the sandwich. Emma is clearly embarrassed..

                         DR. JONES
                    Son, are you high?

                             JAKE
                       No.. Are you?

                          DR. JONES
                      Yeah, a little bit...

 Shocked by this, Jake bursts out laughing and Emma is
 making an 'Are you serious?' expression. Jake reaches
 into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill and puts it
 on his desk..

                             JAKE
         Can I buy half of the sandwich?

                        DR. JONES
                        Ye....

                            EMMA(ANGRY)
    Can we get back on topic about whether I'm pregnant
     or not!?

hillwalker3000

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Re: Comedy Scene (Please send feedback)
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2017, 06:46:43 AM »
I'm sorry, but this looks as if it took about a couple of minutes to write. Aside from the fact that there's nothing funny here so far (unless you think a character who is high or a Subway sandwich will raise a laugh simply by being there), it's difficult to offer a meaningful response to such a short extract.
                         
One of your problems is that you don't seem to understand the difference between a working script and a story. You're trying to convey things that are not visual.

Quote
Jake and Emma are in the waiting room waiting to be called back. Jake, still high as a kite, is paranoid, thinking that the parents and their babies know he's high.
How do you intend showing this ^^^? I'd expect some dialogue at least.

Quote
While waiting, Emma, knowing Jake is still high, tries to get him to relax.
Or indeed this ^^^ ? And what does she do to get him to relax? It's your job to show us this on-screen rather than simply tell us and leave us to somehow imagine what we can't see.

But of more concern is the dialogue.

Quote
  NURSE
    Emma Clarke! Dr. Jones will see you now.
Jake and Emma follow the nurse down a hallway and in to a room.
                            NURSE
   This is Dr. Jones' office, Really? he will be with you shortly.
                             EMMA
                          Thank you..

Its not exactly memorable, is it?

H3K

Offline illidan4ever

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Re: Comedy Scene (Please send feedback)
« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2017, 04:16:14 PM »
Pretty absurd.  I could see something like this in a sitcom like the Big Bang Theory.  You know, the episode where one of the guys accidently gets high before going to find out of his girlfriend is pregnant.   
"You are not prepared!"  -Illidan Stormrage, master sorcerer, fallen hero of the Third War, former Lord of Outland, and current lord of the Demon Hunters.  Known to his people as "The Betrayer," he has sold his soul and connection with nature to combat the invading demonic army, The Burning Legion.

Offline Ploddy

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Re: Comedy Scene (Please send feedback)
« Reply #3 on: May 22, 2017, 05:28:13 AM »
I was a little confused with the first sentence.

"Jake and Emma are in the waiting room waiting to be called back."

Back where?

Offline Oceaxe

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Re: Comedy Scene (Please send feedback)
« Reply #4 on: May 22, 2017, 01:28:13 PM »
Well, I see this is for the visual medium although you haven't really thought much about the poor viewer. Here's what I mean.

Quote
Jake and Emma are in the waiting room waiting to be called back. Jake, still high as a kite, is paranoid,
 thinking that the parents and their babies know he's high. A nurse comes out..

How do we know this? If you mean that Jack is fidgety and restless you must say so. How does his feeling paranoid help? How does the viewer know? Again, you must explain how you expect the actor to convey the information.

Quote
While waiting, Emma, knowing Jake is still high, tries to get him
 to relax. Moments later, an old man, Dr. Jones, walks in with a 
 SUBWAY sandwich in his hand. He puts the sandwich down on his
 desk and introduces himself..

This is better, at least you are telling us what is actually happening on screen.

As for the scene as a whole, humour is personal so I won't comment, it could depend on the actors, the programme context, whatever. I hope you will have thought about this?

Be a good idea to look at a few scripts and think about your target market.

Good luck.
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W.B. Yeats (18651939)

Offline Hunter

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Re: Comedy Scene (Please send feedback)
« Reply #5 on: May 22, 2017, 04:06:25 PM »
Thanks. I know exactly what you mean. I've changed the script and I'm halfway done
with it. It is a lot better now(at least I think it is). I'll try and post a scene again on here
to see if it's better. Again, thanks for the feedback.