Author Topic: first time script writer  (Read 2662 times)

Offline anriokso

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first time script writer
« on: April 06, 2017, 05:41:46 PM »
hello i wrote a script for gintama abridged and i am wondering if it's good enough to turn into a show so be critical and don't pull any punches
                                                          
                                               gintoki
                  good evening my name is sakata gintoki
                                                 shinpachi
                    my name is shimura shinpachi
                                                 kagura
                                         and i am kagura
                                                 gin
                        as you understand some idiots decided to make gintama abridged
                                            gin
                           but those guys are here right now so it falls on us to start the show
                                       shin
       and seen that these is an abridged series it's obvious that the episode is going to be a little bit different
                                      all together
      so without without further ado we give you gintama abridged episode one
                                        people
          oh god everything on fire
                                   Takasugi
gin when will you learn that you can't save someone who's already died only thing i can do is to destroy again and again
                                 gin
             takasugi you bastard scream
                              shin
                        GinSan
                     kagura
it's been a half a year since the epic battle
thing have changed a lot  elizabeth is a android now bum got a job  and shinpachi is going college  they may still be some problems but everything on hall is fine sorry i'm late i got you these
                       shin
            what is it
                      kagura  
           jerky lots of jerky
                              shin
                   thanks kagura
                              kagura  
                     where's gin              
                      old hag
                 don't know he says something about getting a new job
                     shin
        no need i think i know what he's doing
                                     shin
           he's probably drunk and unconscious on the street  somewhere
                                terminator music      
                                         shin
     gin are you here to tell me goodbye
                                         gin  
why would i do that when i am going in the same place as you are
                                           shin
                               wait what
                                     gin
                                gin haven't the old hag told you that new job i i got   is to be your substitute teacher in college
                                                    shin
                            the hell is these who would wanna watch that
                                                          kagura  
yay it's like some stupid slice of life school anime or something
                                                  gin
                 listing the higher ups disadet to take the show in these direkten to capture a on top market for our show and that was their best idea they got
                                             shin
              just fix the game show already      
                                          gin
well they had one more idea
                            shin
               ok then show it
                               gin
                  take two
                                    shin
i just wanted to be good samurai i didn't wanted to hurt anybody  i guess they were right about me i am nothing but a loser
                           sis
 why are you following an idiot like gintoki
                           zura
get down on your knees and please me
                              hiji  
        hey i am out of Mayo can i borrow some
                                  old hag
                        pay your rent or get out
                                okita
                                 got nothing to say just here for the screen time
                                     bum
                         can i borrow 5 bucks
                                  dog
                                 feed me
                              kagura
 why such undeveloped character like you is getting more screen time than me
                                       shin
there right i have nothing to live for i am just some dude with glasses
                                                  waifu
                            what are you talking about your cool and you're not alone as long as you have me and your porn
                                       shin
waifu is right i don't need anyone else as long guess i have porn
                                 everybody
                                well done
                                         gin
Congratulations, you figured it out!
                                        shin
                             what the hell
                                gin
                      what do you mean
                            shin  
why and i am a porn abscessed junky
                              gin
well thegys higher up thot you would become a relitembele character to does body pillow humping freaks
                           shin
                        why me
                                        gin
                         you fit the gimmick
                                     kagura
                       gin shinpachi has a point nobody going to watch that
                             shin
                                thank god  
                                          kagura
that why i think these would be a better show
                                    narrator
oh right listen up because i'm not going to say it again last time we saw our hero he has just come back from the war only to find out that his girlfriend married someone else so he got a bunch of his friends together  and killed that guy but that guy was a bandit so they become bandits too they found a rich guy beat him up took his business and no they were rich so they bout hot cars and even hotere wooman white it and gathered a lot dudes cool around them and then he found love again white a hot blue haired chick and his best friend became a hipster
                                            gin
                              i am talking seriously they will shoot me but the bullet may heit you
                                best friend
                       listen were in these together
                                            narrator
                                       gintama  
                                           shin
            what the hell  why was i the guy who died
                                                  kagura
                                       sacrifice must be made for the show
                                                shin
         why should i die i don't like it that's why the show is going to be like these
                                       gin
                       oh god why are we all ferries shin what didi you do shin
                                                            shin
                            i am sorry guys but i cant hide  who i am anymore you
                                                      gin
                          what kinde of bulshit fetishe porn are you planing to tourn these anime in to
                                               kagura
                                    i thought you were supposed to the straight man
                                                shin
                          fuck it why can't i just be myself
                                             gin
                                ill show you myself   quick grab him
                                                          jump
                                         listen up you  moran's
                                                            gin
                                               what is that
                                                      jump
                                                i been the hole time listening to your stupid ideas  who even gave the permission to star a abrige siress
                                            all 3
                                       you are the shonen jump guy
                                jump
                           that right  and i own the license to  gintama so who gave you the right to start the show without my permit
                                                gin
                                      well the  Roaring Burgers guy ask as to do it
                                      jump
                       don't lie you just wanted a to change the show in to something that you would like more these guy caught up all the beans
                                          gin
                          elisebet i mean anri
                                             anri
                                          sorry guys i tried
                                                      jump
 these fake show and hit now it's illegal and goes against the copyright that i hold on you  
                                                                gin
                                       but cant you a little bit less sticker on the guy
                                                   kagura
                                     hese doing his best i it's not easy to abridge a comedy you know
                                                      shin
                                and the anime is going strong so one our two parodies of the show whose hurt
                                                             kagura
                                                  he's right
                                                               anri
                             Ouch, ouch, ouch, oh god it hurts  
                                                             jump
                                            alright i will let you make these abridged series of your in one conditions you will not change the show original concept deal
                                                                 anri
                                                          deal
                                                                gin
                                  lets go shinpachi kagura
                                                                    gin
                                                      these abrigie series has officially began

Lin

  • Guest
Re: first time script writer
« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2017, 03:44:06 AM »
Is this really how to write a script?

 :o

hillwalker3000

  • Guest
Re: first time script writer
« Reply #2 on: April 07, 2017, 05:15:24 AM »
It's impossible to make sense of what you have written - not least because you don't use punctuation or follow the conventional formatting necessary for a script. My advice, research how to present a script before trying to write one.

In answer to your question - Is it good enough to turn into a show? In all honesty, it looks hopelessly flimsy to me.

H3K

Offline Oceaxe

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  • Posts: 515
Re: first time script writer
« Reply #3 on: April 07, 2017, 05:22:08 AM »
Did a bit of Googling and it seems that Gin Tama is a manga magazine.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gin_Tama

If so this isn't intended to be a script in the sense of a film, TV or radio script. I share the befuddlement of other responders and until the  poster gives us some more information about the market s/he is aiming at I really can't say anything useful.
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W.B. Yeats (18651939)

Lin

  • Guest
Re: first time script writer
« Reply #4 on: April 07, 2017, 11:35:53 AM »
The problem here is that we get a number of first-time writers who post their work on MWC and haven't done any research whatsoever into the way things are done before they post.

If you look on the internet you can learn a lot. There are countless web pages on script writing and what you have done here, so it seems, is see our forum on the net and think 'Oh I'll submit my script' but if you look at how others have done it first, then perhaps you might see how it should be done. If you submit before you are ready, then it makes a mockery of what you are trying to achieve.  There are many professional writers here to help you, but when we see that the poster hasn't bothered to do their research first, then it doesn't provide us with any enthusiasm to post a positive reply.

I do hope you understand, we are here to help, but you have to do your homework first. Have a look and see how it should be done and then edit and start again. If you want an honest critique, this is the place to find it.  Yes, there will be many knocks and bumps on the way, but this is what writing is all about.  Survival of the fittest. I am not sure what to say about this piece until you improve on it. I really didn't understand what you were trying to achieve.

Best of luck

Lin  :D