Author Topic: My first script be critical  (Read 1811 times)

The lost writer

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My first script be critical
« on: April 04, 2017, 01:31:57 AM »
EXT. A bon fire woods in back ground
Many young people gather around a bon fire drinking out of red solo cups,trucks backed in with kegs in the beds, tailgates down, music all on the same station blairing.
Cut to Steven

Brittany
Hey babe so what are these big plans you benn talking about?
Steven
What plans are you talking about?
BRITTANY
Really you were so excited to tell me your plans for after graduation this morning but now you forgot?
STEVEN
Oh yeah... yeah I wanted to ask you if you wanted to move to the city with me?
BRITTANY
The city! Why the city how are you going to live there?
STEVEN
I am going to stay with my cousin Terry and he's setting me up a job cooking at a nice restaurant in a great neighborhood so we could be safe and I'm sure he could find work for you as well.
BRITTANY
Um I am going to community college to get my nursing certificate. Besides I ain't no city girl.
Steven and Brittany start to walk towards his big dodge truck
EXT. Int. The inside of his truck
BRITTANY
So when are you leaving?
STEVEN
My train leaves Sunday morning so this is our last night together can we just not argue About this.
BRITTANY
Fine but I am not done with this
he leans into to kiss her cut to exterior of truck windows steamed up and truck starts rocking and you can hear moaning in the distance to their song
Ext train station platform middle of nowhere
While waiting we see Steven and his mother talking on the platform Steven's father is nowhere to be found Steven is continually looking back to the parking lot for him
Steven
Is he coming to see me before I leave?
Steven's mom
You know he would be here if he could but he has to work today
STEVEN
Mom! It's Sunday he's not here for a reason.
STEVEN'S MOM
Don't worry about it he loves
STEVEN
Mom don't make excuses for him we both know he dose not want me to go to the city but I will show him I going to go and be a big success.
STEVEN'S MOM
That's right baby you show him make your father proud of you  I am proud of you
The train pulls into the station
STEVEN
Ok mom I love you I got to get going
STEVEN'S MOM
I love you baby and I am always here for you call me once you get settled in with your cousin tell him I said hi
STEVEN
Ok mom I will call you as soon as I get in love you
Steven gets on train and finds his seat we see him waving to his mom and his mom waving back she turns to leave and we see her weeping
Int train car
Steven is looking out the window as the landscape passes by time lapse of train ride out window
INT. Grand train station
We see Steven coming from the train platform into the mass train station he looks around as to take int the grandeur He spots Terry closer to the doors waving at him the walk toward each other
Terry
What's up cuzo how you been fam
STEVEN'S MOM
Hey I am good how have you been
TERRY
You know... Keeping it real so my ride is out side lets get going
STEVEN
Ok let me grab my bags
Steven grabs his bags off the ground next to him and the both of them walk out to Terry's truck an old 90's ford ranger with cracked windshield
STEVEN
that's your truck?
TERRY
Yeah and 4 more payments and it's all mine (laughs) why you jealous?
STEVEN
(laughing)No! hey when we get to your place I am going to call my mom let her know I am safe.
EXT. a poor neighborhood brick apartment building
They walk into the building
INT. a small one bedroom apartment (dirty)
TERRY
Home sweet home
STEVEN
this is where you live? I thought you said it was a cool place near everything
TERRY
What do you mean the bodega is on the corner the bar is right next to it and there's a laundry mat like four blocks from here what else could you want
STEVEN
I guess your right sorry it is just new to me, where is this job you have gotten lined up for me
TERRY
Man it's a sweet gig you are going to be working with me at this nice restaurant called hamburger palace
STEVEN
Wait you said nice restaurant now to find out it's a place called the hamburger palace.
TERRY
Yeah it's going to be real fun to work with my roommate slash favorite Cuz
STEVEN
Well I better call my mom let her know I am ok
Steven walks to the bathroom and closes the door sits on the closed toilet and pulls out his cell phone dials home
STEVEN'S Dad
Hello
STEVEN
Hey Dad
STEVEN'S DAD
Hey Steven,what can I help you with?
STEVEN
What do you mean? Mom wanted me to call to let her know I arrived and how I am doing
STEVEN'S DAD
Steven I am going to be blunt with you. You choose to leave your mom your home and your life here so as long as I am alive I don't want you to call this house or even write us as far as this family is concerned you are dead to us.
STEVEN
Dad are you serious
You hear Steven's dad hangs up Steven with a saddened face walks back into the living room
TERRY
Hey how's aunt Alison
STEVEN
I didn't get to talk to her. My dad said I was dead to him!
TERRY
Damn that's cold what you goin to do
STEVEN
You know what I am going to do I going to show him I am going to become a big deal and make him regret he ever turned his back on me
TERRY
Fuck yeah
STEVEN
So where's my room
TERRY
Yeah about that I only have one bedroom soooo.... looks like you got the living room. I going to bring some of my peeps over to smoke and chill are you cool with that

STEVEN
Yeah I am totally down to smoke so when do I start to working
TERRY
Man I forgot we have to be there tonight we better get ready and head out
Show passage of time over a few weeks
INT. Small hallway of apartment
Steven banging on the apartment door
STEVEN
Hey! Terry! Open the goddanm door!
TERRY
Who's there
STEVEN
It's Steve
TERRY
Steve ain't here
STEVEN
Danmmit terry it IS Steven your danm cousin
Terry opens the door looking all high and like death warmed over Steven walks into the apartment
STEVEN
Danmit terry you missed your shift and harry said this is the last straw and told me to tell you your fired
TERRY
Fuck harry! That asshole owes me for the meth I sold him like three days ago
STEVEN
What the fuck meth! Really? you do meth?
TERRY
No I just smoke and sometimes shoot H.
STEVEN
The hell terry? So what are we going to do about rent how much is it
TERRY
Man it's only 600 dollars, I can come up with like 100
STEVEN
Only 100 what? So I need to pay 500
TERRY
Yeah
STEVEN
Is it like that every month if so I want the bedroom
TERRY
No i'll pay the 500 next month and don't worry I always land on my feet
STEVEN
Ok here's the 500 but that is all i have. be sure you pay the rent
TERRY
Yeah I know I survived before you and will live after you
Passage of three days
INT. SMALL HALLWAY OF APARTMENT
Steven walks down the hall towards the apartment he noticed a paper on the door he gets closer and sees it is a 24 hour eviction notice he walks into the apartment and realizes All of the apartment looks ransacked Steven pulls out his cell phone we can see he's calling terry but the phone says the number you have called is disconnected the landlord knocks on the open door
Landlord
Hey! Where is terry he owes me rent for the past 3 months
STEVEN
What do you mean I gave him rent money a few days ago
LANDLORD
Terry is 3months behind and I'm tired of waiting on his ass and he didn't even tell me you where living here
STEVEN
Well can I just rent from you
LANDLORD
Well who are you?
STEVEN
I am Terry's Cousin Steven
LANDLORD
Your related to terry?
STEVEN
Yeah
LANDLORD
Then hell no! I been burned by terry. I'm going to ask you to have all of your property out of here by tomorrow at noon
STEVEN
What? Where am I supposed to go?

**Modified by moderator to comply with daily word limit**
« Last Edit: April 04, 2017, 04:01:43 AM by JewelAS53 »

JewelAS53

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Re: My first script be critical
« Reply #1 on: April 04, 2017, 03:51:57 AM »
Hi Lost Writer,

I have removed the poll on your thread as that component is reserved for voting on our challenges.

Please pop into the Welcome Board and introduce yourself to our members. You might feel a little less lost and are more likely to receive input on your work if our members have an idea of who you are.
http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?board=1.0

We are a collaborative forum, so try your hand at commenting on existing works while you wait for comment on yours. In order to give everyone a fair chance, we encourage 3 comments to 1 post.

Please read the stickies on each thread before you post.
http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=3425.15
The limit on this thread is 1500 words. I have chopped your  post at around 1500.
You may post another 1500 words tomorrow.

Good luck with your script. I don't understand the structure of scripts, so cannot comment.

Welcome, again, to the circle.

Kind regards
Jewel
Global Moderator
« Last Edit: April 04, 2017, 03:58:48 AM by JewelAS53 »

Lin

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Re: My first script be critical
« Reply #2 on: April 04, 2017, 04:08:21 AM »
May I suggest you check your spelling and punctuation before posting.

Lin

Offline Oceaxe

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Re: My first script be critical
« Reply #3 on: April 04, 2017, 09:01:20 AM »
Hi The Lost Writer, welcome to MWC.

I haven't looked at someone else's script for a long time so I'll take half an hour over yours. Firstly, your spelling and punctuation are not very good. Your speeches are intended to be read by actor's who will appreciate good punctuation; pauses, emphases and so on.

I assume this is intended for a visual medium, film or TV? You seem to be US based so it might sound a ridiculous question as the market for radio scripts over there (I'm in the UK) is practically non-existent but over here we're more fortunate, thanks to the BBC. My second reason for mentioning the visual medium is that you have totally ignored the "grammar" of that medium and written as though you are writing a novel. So here's what I think:

Quote
While waiting we see Steven and his mother talking on the platform Steven's father is nowhere to be found Steven is continually looking back to the parking lot for him
- we don't need to know why Steven is looking anxiously at the car park. You could do a cutaway to a deserted parking lot to emphasise the reason for his anxiety.

Quote
Steven gets on train and finds his seat we see him waving to his mom and his mom waving back she turns to leave and we see her weeping
- this is a series of cuts unless you want the camera to follow him for ten minutes while he finds his seat. It's an example of how you are failing to think filmically.

Quote
Steven is looking out the window as the landscape passes by time lapse of train ride out window
- right, but the viewer isn't reading the script, s/he is watching a screen. So how are you going to convey that passage of time and sense of travel?

Quote
show passage of time over a few weeks
how? Way back in the days of monochrome films we would see a calendar with days flying off. Think about how you are going to establish this in a single cut.

Quote
Steven walks down the hall towards the apartment he noticed a paper on the door he gets closer and sees it is a 24 hour eviction notice he walks into the apartment and realizes All of the apartment looks ransacked Steven pulls out his cell phone we can see he's calling terry but the phone says the number you have called is disconnected the landlord knocks on the open door
- if you only listen to one thing I have been saying then rewrite this in a series of cuts and without dialogue. In other words, show not tell.

There's a free course in screen-writing I am going to do:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/opportunities/introduction-to-screenwriting

Based in the UK but I think available to all.

Good luck.


Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W.B. Yeats (18651939)

Offline hillwalker3000

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Re: My first script be critical
« Reply #4 on: April 04, 2017, 10:46:33 AM »
Firstly, the number of typos and careless punctuation make this an unrewarding read. Can I respectfully suggest you check and read through more thoroughly in future before posting.
Secondly, there's a strict format you need to follow when writing a script or screenplay. There's plenty of free advice on-line for how to present your work to a prospective studio/producer/agent/reader or whatever. It all enhances the impression of professionalism needed if you're to be taken seriously.
Thirdly, you have to put yourself into movie mode when writing a screenplay. There are certain things that are impossible to show or convey on-screen so there's no point including them in the script.

Quote
EXT. A bon fire 'bonfire' is one word with? woods in the back ground Again, 'background' is a single word.
Many young people gather around a bon fire (!) drinking out of red solo cups. Trucks are backed in with kegs in the beds, tailgates down, music all on the same station How can you possibly show this on-screen? blairing blaring.

Quote
Brittany Speaker should always be capitalised. BRITTANY
Hey babe so what are these big plans you benn been talking about?
STEVEN
What plans are you talking about? You have him almost repeating her exact words. Is that intentional?

Quote
BRITTANY
Um I am going to community college to get my nursing certificate. Besides I ain't no city girl.
Steven and Brittany start to walk towards his big dodge truck I'll assume Brittany didn't say this as well. That's why correct formatting is so important.

So far, I have to say I'm not hooked. Boyfriend and girlfriend have a rather dull conversation on their last night together before getting their rocks off in his truck.

Quote
EXT. Int. The inside of his truck.
Not sure what this is, by the way. Is the shot exterior, interior or inside?

Quote
While waiting we see Steven and his mother talking on the platform Steven's father is nowhere to be found Again, how can you show something on-screen that's not there? Steven is continually looking back to the parking lot for him.

Quote
STEVEN'S MOM
Don't worry about it he loves loves what?
STEVEN
Mom don't make excuses for him we both know he dose does not want me to go to the city but I will show him I going to go and be a big success.
STEVEN'S MOM
That's right baby you show him make your father proud of you  I am proud of you.
Another instantly forgettable conversation. I appreciate that this might well be the opening to a much more intriguing story, but if I'd paid to watch this in the movies I'd be asking for my money back fairly soon unless something happens. Having skimmed the next few scenes, it's obvious we're going to have a long wait while Steven and Terry chit-chat about his truck and the restaurant. There's far too much banal choreography here as well. Do we really need to watch as Steven grabs his bags or they walk into the building? So much of this can be eliminated by jump-cutting to the next pivotal scene.

The only interesting part was this >
Quote
STEVEN'S DAD
Steven I am going to be blunt with you. You choose to leave your mom your home and your life here so as long as I am alive I don't want you to call this house or even write us as far as this family is concerned you are dead to us.
STEVEN
Dad are you serious?
It's interesting because it's ridiculously over the top. The father might well be unhappy about his son heading off to the big city. But this over-reaction doesn't ring true even if his pa's a dyed-in-the-cloth Southern Baptist and Steven has run away to join a transvestite showband.

You then have a long, drawn-out scene about Steven knocking on the apartment door and discussing with Terry how they're going to pay the rent. It's boring. The fact that you have the passage of time flashing past suggests you're also bored with the story.

Quote
STEVEN
Well can I just rent from you
LANDLORD
Well who are you?
STEVEN
I am Terry's Cousin Steven
LANDLORD
Your related to terry?
STEVEN
Yeah
I can't figure out whether this is meant to be a humorous scene or simply dumb. The problem is, you're writing about serious issues without much thought to the reality of living in such conditions. It's certainly not social drama. It's not horror or rom-com or humour, so who do you expect to watch this movie?

So far you have the bare bones of a story here, but it's barely got going. You gloss over so much that could be dramatic, and waste time on banalities. The dialogue is flat. It's hard to know what to suggest, except maybe start the story somewhere else where something interesting is about to happen. And make every conversation drive the story forwards.

H3K

Offline Guerin1

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Re: My first script be critical
« Reply #5 on: July 10, 2017, 02:45:41 PM »
Hey Lost Writer,

I got some opinions for you:

The two most interesting bits I thought you could expand is 1. the beginning (when he says goodbye to his gf) and 2. when Steve lends Terry the money for rent.

1. When Steve says Goodbye to his girlfriend. Think you could throw a better hook in, make something unexpected happen. Like, the gf could be cheating on him, say she won't wait for him, break up with him, have an argument. I mean IRL I don't think a bf leaving town maybe forever has ever gone so well for the guy y'know? like he just says 'see ya later' then gets laid, when she tries to bring his leaving up, he's like 'ah I don't wanna talk about it' and she's cool with that? no way. In real life she would be mad, sad or crazy- or he would be (or why does he find it so easy to leave?).

2. When Steve lends Terry money for rent. Terry is a messed up guy, like part time heroin JUNKIE meth dealer messed up. No way is Steve (who seems ambitious, forward thinking, smart) just gonna give him $500 so easy. This would be a long conversation I think, with Terry working hard to persuade Steve to give him the money. (I think also with how casual Terry is to admit taking H, and steve's equally casual reaction, that convo could be expanded too).

I reckon focusing on those two plot pieces could help to grow your characters a bit more. Otherwise, enjoyed it and looking forward to reading the next part.

All the best,

Guerin