Author Topic: Sicuro (Safe)  (Read 1094 times)

At22334

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Sicuro (Safe)
« on: January 08, 2017, 11:44:18 AM »
Hi again! I recently just posted a story on this website and at first, I was a little hurt by the feedback. But, I'm remaining positive and wanted to post a different story. I would like the same constructive feedback I received on the previous story. Please enjoy.
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 I froze at the eyes that I used to know, but seem to be held on the face of a stranger. Eyes that hold the horrors of the world and the secrets of  murderers of hearts around the world, mine included.  But I suppose it's the masochist inside of me that strung me like a puppet and guided me to come crawling back to the same door. A door that held the barrier between me being sane and me completely throwing what is sanity out of the window. There has never been a time where I walked through these mahogany doors and it has not been another mindless search for the inner desire of my heart to be mended and I'm left with disappointment every single time. But, that doesn't stop me from coming back to the same place I used to think was my home away from home. I can never stop craving more indescribable suffering from the same eyes who hold the keys to my greatest days and my most terrible downfalls. A small patter of rainfall brings me back from my lurking thoughts and I look up only to be met with the darkness of clouds and the drizzle of rainfall as if Mother Nature was screaming at me to come back another day, but of course I didn't listen. Without any further hesitation, I knocked on the door to my highway of suffering as the pieces of my broken heart bound against my chest and I rock my foot in anticipation. There was no going back from this, I reminded myself but still I stayed put in the same spot. As I stared at the door, I was met with patter of footsteps as I took a death breath and braced myself for the storm before the calm. The door clicks and I'm met with the eyes that never seem to change. Light grey eyes lined with specs of green and blue stare back at me for what seems like hours, but in the end the monster only smirked. “Hello dearest, they nonchalantly say as they smile. And in that moment, I knew. I was captive.

We didn't meet in the most spontaneous way, but I remember as if the event was my birthday, which in this case, it was. I walked along the unorthodox rocks near the ocean letting them lead my path to what I thought would be a place of sanity. The water splashed along my toes in which I abandoned my shoes near the sand. The beach was basically deserted around this time of year, but it was my favorite time to come here. To me, the beach was art, but all the people constantly parading around in their glory made it look less like an original Picasso, and more of a fake. I sat on the rocks of brown and black staring at the ocean as if it was staring back at me wondering of the things I couldn't possible know the answer to. These questions swarmed me like bees to honey but something felt off. I looked around only to see a beautiful woman that held the eyes to the world. A natural glow lingered around her presence and I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She was beautiful in every single way. HI,” she said timidly hiding her face in her luscious locks of honey highlights that cascaded down her back. It felt as if she was unreal, and she didn't belong in this horrible world being too pure for it. I looked her in the eyes and said the only thing I could possibly say, “Hi”

From that day on, we had yet to be separated from each other. She was like a fire, and I most definitely wanted to be burned alive by her even if it meant loving so hard that it hurt. I found myself reminiscing about the days we cherished together and the days I showered her in love from night to morning. She was a drug, and I was addicted in any way possible. But…. I wish I wasn’t. She was a part of the noise in my head and I couldn’t escape it. I knew people in love didn’t act this way, but she’s too beautiful to let go. “Please, come in,” she politely stated smirking and I couldn’t say no even if I tried. I braced myself taking step by step into what used to be our future and I take a deep breathe in looking around. Memories flood my mind as I look at the columbia blue walls and the chipped paint as I restrain myself from smiling. I take a seat near broken lamp as I attempt to reel my head around what’s happening. “How have you been love?,” she smirked taking a seat near my mine. Such a simple question seemed laced with poison as she spoke in a sickly sweet voice and still, I answer her with silence. “That’s not how you treat someone you love,” she pouted inching near me and it became harder and harder to breathe each second. “I- I don’t love you,” I lied gripping the edge of the chair. Suddenly, anger rose on her face as she stood tall and mighty…..

It all felt like slow motion as I fell to the ground grasping my face in my hands silently begging for mercy at her will. My cheeks burned with heat as a red hand print took its place on my face similar to other days and there I saw it…..the monster I escaped, but came back to. “Don’t you ever talk back to me! You are nothing but the dirt under my toes! You’re nothing but a sad excuse of a man, a waste of space if you ask me! You. Will. Never. Talk. Back. To. Me. Ever. Again.”, she boomed, each last word punctuated with a kick to the face as my vision began to blur. I should have known better than to come back, but her looks were too enticing and her eyes were too inviting. I looked into the cold eyes of the stranger who held my heart and with that…..I let darkness the darkness me…...

The blinding sun awoke me in the least pleasant way possible as my head throbbed and my vision was still blurred. I force my eyes completely open, but I don’t bother to move as the memories fill me about what happened. Realization hit me all at once as my tear streak down my face and I choke on a sob. The pain in my heard hurt, but the pain in my heart was indescribable as I laid crying, blubbering nonsense. It was then when I felt a presence near me and I feel it rub my back soothingly and then it pulls me into their arms. I cuddle into them searching for the comfort I ached for desperately. “I’m so sorry baby, you know I get so angry sometimes because I love you so much.  I can’t live without you,” she whispers in my ear and I’m gone again, captive by her love. “I know….God I know,” I sobbed into her arms and I knew I would never leave her… no matter how much she hurt me. “I love you,” I whisper and she smiles at me looking with her loving eyes.

“I know…’, she says.


Honest Opinion?

Offline fire-fly

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Re: Sicuro (Safe)
« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2017, 07:36:29 PM »
Hi AT,

We would like to see you become a member of our little community, firstly by adding a bit about your self here:

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?board=1.0

Reading our etiquette guidelines here:

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=7415.0

Please read the stickies at the top of each forum to know the posting guidelines for these boards:

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=24729.0

Taking the time to do a few critiques for fellow members is also highly recommended.

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Offline heidi52

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Re: Sicuro (Safe)
« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2017, 10:41:30 AM »
I was one of the people who commented on your previous story. Sorry you got your feelings hurt.

Sorry also that you couldn't be bothered to thank any of the folks who took the time to read and comment, but since you didn't, you have no fear of me hurting your feelings again.

hillwalker3000

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Re: Sicuro (Safe)
« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2017, 12:04:28 PM »
Quote
Hi again! I recently just posted a story on this website and at first, I was a little hurt by the feedback.

How dreadful for you. Welcome to the world of writing - one where you ask for feedback but find it might not be as flattering as you would hope.

Quote
But, I'm remaining positive and wanted to post a different story. I would like the same constructive feedback I received on the previous story.

That's up to you. This is a two-way community. If you read other posters' work and offer your own feedback - and if you acknowledge those of us who have already commented on your original story - we might spend our precious time reading your work and offering advice. But if you're here simply to feed on our generosity you'll likely as not be met by a stunned silence.

H3K

PS - I did skip-read the opening paragraph and it's over-written. It's a muddle - filled with stock phrases but no story in sight. It's also obvious you have problems with verb tenses. Decide whether you're going to write a story in present tense or past tense and stick to that. You should also spend 9 hours reading for every hour you spend writing. The standard of your writing here suggests you don't read.

Offline Emery

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Re: Sicuro (Safe)
« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2017, 01:20:24 PM »
I didn't see your other piece, but for me this is overwriting and filled with clichés.

At the basic level, you have a first person narrator who is abused by his significant other and can't leave. That has some meat, but it is completely drowned in the purple prose. For example, jus the first paragraph:

 I froze at the eyes that I used to know, but seem to be held on the face of a stranger. Once it was pointed out to me, I can never get over disembodied parts. I got a mental image of an eyeball smushed against someone's face. Eyes that hold the horrors of the world and the secrets of  murderers of hearts around the world, mine included.This may sound nice, but in specifics it doesn't mean anything.  But I suppose it's the masochist inside of me that strung me like a puppet and guided me to come crawling back to the same door. A door that held the barrier between me being sane and me completely throwing what is sanity out of the window.So now, we've stepped backwards. You gave us one sentence with puppet strings simile that is overwrought as hinting at the main character's motivation and the second one which is, to me, an overwritten statement of what you have shown before. Plus, we've jumped images from an eye to a door There has never been a time where I walked through these mahogany doors and it has not been another mindless search for the inner desire of my heart to be mended and I'm left with disappointment every single time. But, that doesn't stop me from coming back to the same place I used to think was my home away from home.We're getting more concrete and grounded, but 'home away from home' is another cliché and doesn't fit the mood or tone. I can never stop craving more indescribable suffering from the same eyes who hold the keys to my greatest days and my most terrible downfalls. More self-rumination A small patter of rainfall brings me back from my lurking thoughts and I look up only to be met with the darkness of clouds and the drizzle of rainfall as if Mother Nature was screaming at me to come back another day, but of course I didn't listen.It's drizzling. That's all. Use the nouns and verbs to do your work and don't try to squeeze more from a setting point. Without any further hesitation, I knocked on the door to my highway of suffering as the pieces of my broken heart bound against my chest and I rock my foot in anticipation. highway of suffering?There was no going back from this, I reminded myself but still I stayed put in the same spot. As I stared at the door, I was met with patter of footsteps pattering footsteps, patting rain...as I took a death breath and braced myself for the storm before the calm. The door clicks and I'm met with the eyes that never seem to change.Those mother effing eyes again. Light grey eyes lined with specs of green and blue stare back at me for what seems like hours, but in the end the monster only smirked. “Hello dearest, they nonchalantly say as they smile.Now the eyes are talking? And in that moment, I knew. I was captive.


Listen, I want to encourage you. Yeah, critiques aren't rainbows and daffodils. They serve a purpose to get you better. Some posters are more blunt with their suggestions, and others try to taper, but in the end each is valid for the request. There's a saying, 'don't ask a question when you can't live with the answer'. Take what we say with the amount of importance it deserves, which isn't much on the individual basis but as a cumulative may mean more. If there seems to be a common theme in all the critiques, perhaps you should focus on that.

Anyway, best of luck.
All good writing is swimming under water and holding your breath.
-F. Scott Fitzgerald

Offline fire-fly

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Re: Sicuro (Safe)
« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2017, 04:52:29 PM »
Locking the topic guys, hes jumped ship
I'm A Binge Thinker: Do It A Lot Somedays, Then Not Much At All.

Don't take life too seriously, none of us get out of it alive. >:D