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Offline youthful daughter

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« on: December 11, 2016, 06:29:45 PM »
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« Last Edit: December 12, 2016, 04:59:47 PM by youthful daughter »

Offline Gyppo

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Re: Short one page paper titled '4 a.m.'
« Reply #1 on: December 11, 2016, 08:08:27 PM »
Please, we need paragraph breaks.

Like this.

With white space.

If we are to read this and comment.

As you are a junior member and no longer a newbie you can edit your posts.

Thankyou.

Gyppo  
« Last Edit: December 11, 2016, 08:10:30 PM by Gyppo »
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

hillwalker3000

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Re: Short one page paper titled '4 a.m.'
« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2016, 05:42:47 AM »
Adverbs! Argh! Opening any piece of writing with an adverb should be criminalised.
It would be more effective if you showed us what you meant by 'groggily'. Did you struggle to open your eyes? Stretch your legs? Lick your parched lips? Shiver as you fumbled for the telephone?

I'm not sure whether this is anecdotal or pure fiction so it's difficult to understand why you wrote it. Personally, I hope it's all made up. Homilies intended to enlighten the general reader can finish up as tedious, moralising lectures if there's no substance behind the tale. The narrator has learnt a valuable lesson. . . so what?

Having read further I can see you write well enough, but the subject is flimsy at best. There's too much happening too quickly for this to grab the attention. The caller is simply a prop to provide some context to the message buried in your essay. The tragedy in his life is gratuitous since the entire piece is about 'you' and your reaction. There is also something strange about answering a call 'out of curiosity' because you recognise the area code. If a phone rings you either answer it or you don't. Most would answer for obvious reasons - someone's trying to contact you.

As for the call itself (and your response) - it's over in a flash. You summarise the conversation then describe how you can't get back to sleep - then in the same paragraph you're on your way to school. Glossing over an event that's meant to be pivotal to the plot doesn't wash. How are we meant to empathise with the narrator when her feelings are recorded like a laundry list? How are we supposed to care for the guy at the other end of the phone when his distress is dealt with in a single sentence?

Sitting in class I finally cracked the code of why it had been me he chose to call.
That's an intriguing sentence - the first, I'll admit. Finally there's maybe more to this tale than meets the eye. But then we get a rather soppy ball of fluff eulogising the sisterhood of the high school.

They taught me that I was exactly enough the way I was, and to never let anyone forget that they were exactly enough too. They taught me to commit to others' happiness.
Yikes. It's like you swallowed a self-help book.

I'm guessing you're a young writer so forgive the harsh critique. I admire some of the sentiment behind this piece but the way it's dealt with does you no favours. Your narrator comes across as a self-absorbed do-gooder telling the world how wonderful it feels to sacrifice a night's sleep in order to help a poor soul in distress. After reading this it left me cold. Not what you intended, I'm sure.

Just one opinion - use or lose.

H3K

hillwalker3000

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Re: ...
« Reply #3 on: December 13, 2016, 06:09:35 AM »
Hmm.

It seems the piece has been removed by the OP following my crit without a word of explanation. It makes me wonder what she was expecting by posting a piece on here for feedback.  ???

H3K