Author Topic: Stars and Spies S1E1 Script needs feedback, please?  (Read 1827 times)

Offline StarsandSpiesProject

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Stars and Spies S1E1 Script needs feedback, please?
« on: November 17, 2016, 11:44:18 AM »
'Stars and Spies' Script
Season 1
Episode 1 (Part 1 of 2)
Episode Title: Stars
Draft 3
Written by Elaine Taylor - Lewis
________________________________________________________________________
Beginning

***************************************************************************************

INT. SILVER HEADQUARTERS - OUTSIDE- NIGHT

{The night sky appears before revealing the title.}

Title: Stars and Spies

Episode Title: Stars

CUTS TO:

SILVER HEADQUARTERS - COMPUTER ROOM - NIGHT

{The electronic door opens, and footsteps can be heard. A young man in a brown business suit called Alejandro or Alex for short, appears and walks up to the computer screen. He looks at the blue screen in interest. He starts typing on the computer to reveal the camera from the pilot's point of view. He then sees blue and red balls of fire that look very similar to meteors.}

ALEJANDRO:

*Gasps*

(Urgently) Hello, Hello! Can you hear me?

PILOT:

(His voice heard through the headphones)

Yes, I can hear you loud and clearly, sir.

ALEJANDRO:

What's happening?

The meteors appear to be heading towards earth!

ALEJANDRO:

Wait! I've seen something like this before....
They are not meteors. It's the supernatural stars. The blue and red star have been released, just like the previous ones.....

ROCKET- DRIVER'S SEAT- NIGHT

ALEJANDRO:

(On the radio) Now I want you to listen carefully.

CUTS TO:

SILVER HEADQUARTERS - COMPUTER ROOM - NIGHT

ALEJANDRO:

You need to follow one of the stars-

ALEJANDRO OFF SCREEN:

(On the radio) -and see where it lands. Once it has landed on earth, I want you to quickly report back to me everything you have observed. I'm going to come and join you with the girls.

SILVER HEADQUARTERS - COMPUTER ROOM - NIGHT

JASMINE'S ROOM - NIGHT

{Jasmine's phone lights up and starts ringing}

YOUNG JASMINE:

*Groans*

{She taps the cancel button on her phone blindly, then pushes the phone away, making it fall down behind the chest draw.}

YOUNG JASMINE:

Mmmmm.......

{Afterwards, she falls back to sleep almost instantly}

SASHA'S ROOM - NIGHT

{As Sasha is sleeping away, the yellow star began to glow brighter and brighter. She covers her head with her bed sheets to block out the irritating brightness that's hitting her eyes. The star then makes chiming noises that grew louder and louder. She then instantly gets up and walks up to the glowing yellow star before holding it.}

YOUNG SASHA:

*Gasp* Jasmine!

{She runs to Jasmine's room.}

JASMINE'S ROOM - NIGHT

YOUNG SASHA:

(Whispers) Jasmine! Wake up!

YOUNG JASMINE:

*Groans* What is it?

YOUNG SASHA:

(Speaks up a bit) Something is up... look!

YOUNG JASMINE:

The star seems to be glowing brighter than usual, that's wei- oh! My phone!


{Jasmine reads the message on her phone, saying "ONE MISSED CALL FROM ALEX."}


YOUNG JASMINE:

Ugh... I missed his call.


YOUNG SASHA:

Why would he call you in the middle of the night?


YOUNG JASMINE:

It must be serious.

{She starts phoning Alex back. The phone starts dialling.}

ALEJANDRO ON THE PHONE:

(Urgently) Hello, Jasmine? Look, I know it is late, but all of you need to be at the flyover in an hour. There's an upcoming mission that needs to be complete.

YOUNG JASMINE:

Alright, we will be there soon.

{Taps her smartphone to end the call.}

YOUNG JASMINE:

Right, let's go!

YOUNG SASHA:

Hold on, I have to call my friend first.

CUTS TO:

JADE'S ROOM - NIGHT

{The grey star began to glow brighter and brighter before makes chiming noises. Jade instantly gets up and holds the glowing star in her hand.}

YOUNG JADE:

*Gasps in awe and wonder* I wonder what's going on?

*The phone rings*

YOUNG JADE:

Hello?

(ON THE PHONE) YOUNG SASHA:

Hey, Jade, it's me. Listen, we need to meet up at the flyover in an hour, so take your star with ya, 'k'?

YOUNG JADE:

Why? What's going on?

(ON THE PHONE) YOUNG SASHA:

Well, Al told us that we have a mission coming up, so we have to be there.

YOUNG JADE:

What kind of mission?

(ON THE PHONE) YOUNG SASHA:

Honestly, I don't know.

YOUNG SASHA:

He hasn't said anythin' about what kind of mission we're doin'. He was being vaaaaague about it.

(ON THE PHONE) YOUNG JADE:

Oh. Well knowing him, it has got to be important. I suppose it is not all that bad though as I do have a lot of questions to ask him.

YOUNG SASHA:

I understand.

(ON THE PHONE) YOUNG JADE:

I'll be there soon. I promise.

YOUNG SASHA:

Ok.

{She turns off her phone, before turning around to see Jasmine already dressed in casual clothes and running out of her room.}

YOUNG SASHA:

Wha- that was quick! H-hey! Wait up!

{She gets dressed quickly, then she catches up with Jasmine.}

CUTS TO:

JADE'S HOUSE - CORRIDOR - NIGHT

{Jade runs downstairs before taking the key out of her pocket to unlock it. Then she runs outside the house to meet up with her friends.}

FADES TO:

FLYOVER - NIGHT

YOUNG JADE:

(Breathless) Hey.... guys! I'm here! I finally made i-

{Sasha and Jasmine go down the hill, past the barriers. Jade eventually walks down with them. They end up sliding down the ground at a steady pace before they start walking up a small hill. A futuristic helicopter makes it grand entrance, with the young girls' hair blowing in the wind. As the door opens, the girls get inside the helicopter and put on their seatbelts. The door shuts and the helicopter start to fly off.}

YOUNG JASMINE:

So what's our mission?

ALEJANDRO:

Two stars have landed here, and I think I might know where they are. Your mission is to find them before someone else does. We need to do tests and experiments on them.

YOUNG SASHA:

(Excitedly) Ooooohhhh...... Which colors?

ALEJANDRO:

Red and Blue.

YOUNG SASHA:

Right, so the only ones missing are pink, purple-

YOUNG JADE:

Orange, white-

YOUNG SASHA:

Green.... ummm are there any colors that I am missing?

ALEJANDRO:

Well, that doesn't matter. What does matter is that we now know where the primary colors are. Where we are landing to is going to be icy cold, so I brought your winter clothes and boots.

{He hands the clothes to them.}

YOUNG SASHA:

(Excitedly) Aww thanks, man!

YOUNG JADE:

(In the background) Oh my gosh, the fluff on the coat is soooo cute!

ALEJANDRO:

(Mutters to himself) I hope it is not too late.

{The helicopter then flies off in the night sky. The helicopter then fades away.}

{End of Scene 1}

***************************************************************************************[/left][/left]

*************************************************************************************************
« Last Edit: November 17, 2016, 04:31:42 PM by fire-fly »

Offline fire-fly

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Re: Stars and Spies S1E1 Script needs feedback, please?
« Reply #1 on: November 17, 2016, 04:35:59 PM »
Stars, I see you are new to MWC, welcome.

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http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?board=1.0

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hillwalker3000

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Re: Stars and Spies S1E1 Script needs feedback, please?
« Reply #3 on: November 22, 2016, 08:24:11 AM »
I admire your enthusiasm and self-confidence - Season 1 (really!!!). :o Presumably you're having fun with this concept. But unfortunately I found the entire scenario rather silly.

There are some details that don't belong in a script -
A young man in a brown business suit called Alejandro or Alex for short
The colour of his suit is irrelevant - that's up to the costume department not the scriptwriter. And how can you convey the pointless fact that the suit (or maybe the guy wearing it) has two names on-screen? You obviously can't so don't bother mentioning it.

As for the unfolding drama - it's hardly edge of the seat material. Alex sees strange coloured balls that resemble meteors approaching Earth and has a brief conversation with a pilot. It transpires they are 'supernatural stars' (like the previous ones) and then we get to watch Jasmine fool around with her phone. I'm not sure anyone would take this opening seriously.

The bizarre plot reminds me of the Powerpuff Girls so maybe it could work as a cartoon. But as for a TV series meriting a season or two I think your expectations are wide of the mark.

Just a reader's opinion - use or lose.

H3K