Firstly, the number of typos and careless punctuation make this an unrewarding read. Can I respectfully suggest you check and read through more thoroughly in future before posting.
Secondly, there's a strict format you need to follow when writing a script or screenplay. There's plenty of free advice on-line for how to present your work to a prospective studio/producer/agent/reader or whatever. It all enhances the impression of professionalism needed if you're to be taken seriously.
Thirdly, you have to put yourself into movie mode when writing a screenplay. There are certain things that are impossible to show or convey on-screen so there's no point including them in the script.
EXT. A bon fire 'bonfire' is one word with? woods in the back ground Again, 'background' is a single word.
Many young people gather around a bon fire (!) drinking out of red solo cups. Trucks are backed in with kegs in the beds, tailgates down, music all on the same station How can you possibly show this on-screen? blairing blaring.
Brittany Speaker should always be capitalised. BRITTANY
Hey babe so what are these big plans you benn been talking about?
STEVEN
What plans are you talking about? You have him almost repeating her exact words. Is that intentional?
BRITTANY
Um I am going to community college to get my nursing certificate. Besides I ain't no city girl.
Steven and Brittany start to walk towards his big dodge truck I'll assume Brittany didn't say this as well. That's why correct formatting is so important.
So far, I have to say I'm not hooked. Boyfriend and girlfriend have a rather dull conversation on their last night together before getting their rocks off in his truck.
EXT. Int. The inside of his truck.
Not sure what this is, by the way. Is the shot exterior, interior or inside?
While waiting we see Steven and his mother talking on the platform Steven's father is nowhere to be found Again, how can you show something on-screen that's not there? Steven is continually looking back to the parking lot for him.
STEVEN'S MOM
Don't worry about it he loves loves what?
STEVEN
Mom don't make excuses for him we both know he dose does not want me to go to the city but I will show him I going to go and be a big success.
STEVEN'S MOM
That's right baby you show him make your father proud of you I am proud of you.
Another instantly forgettable conversation. I appreciate that this might well be the opening to a much more intriguing story, but if I'd paid to watch this in the movies I'd be asking for my money back fairly soon unless something happens. Having skimmed the next few scenes, it's obvious we're going to have a long wait while Steven and Terry chit-chat about his truck and the restaurant. There's far too much banal choreography here as well. Do we really need to watch as Steven grabs his bags or they walk into the building? So much of this can be eliminated by jump-cutting to the next pivotal scene.
The only interesting part was this >
STEVEN'S DAD
Steven I am going to be blunt with you. You choose to leave your mom your home and your life here so as long as I am alive I don't want you to call this house or even write us as far as this family is concerned you are dead to us.
STEVEN
Dad are you serious?
It's interesting because it's ridiculously over the top. The father might well be unhappy about his son heading off to the big city. But this over-reaction doesn't ring true even if his pa's a dyed-in-the-cloth Southern Baptist and Steven has run away to join a transvestite showband.
You then have a long, drawn-out scene about Steven knocking on the apartment door and discussing with Terry how they're going to pay the rent. It's boring. The fact that you have the passage of time flashing past suggests you're also bored with the story.
STEVEN
Well can I just rent from you
LANDLORD
Well who are you?
STEVEN
I am Terry's Cousin Steven
LANDLORD
Your related to terry?
STEVEN
Yeah
I can't figure out whether this is meant to be a humorous scene or simply dumb. The problem is, you're writing about serious issues without much thought to the reality of living in such conditions. It's certainly not social drama. It's not horror or rom-com or humour, so who do you expect to watch this movie?
So far you have the bare bones of a story here, but it's barely got going. You gloss over so much that could be dramatic, and waste time on banalities. The dialogue is flat. It's hard to know what to suggest, except maybe start the story somewhere else where something interesting is about to happen. And make every conversation drive the story forwards.
H3K
