Author Topic: In this year of pain  (Read 947 times)

Offline duck

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In this year of pain
« on: October 25, 2016, 10:17:32 AM »
barren seeds parachute
onto my unsoiled arm.

Honest labour is a myth.
Sand blows in orchards.

Jesus knocks at the gate
asks for a glass of water,

but we turn our cheeks
the other way, to the wall.

Offline Mark T

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Re: In this year of pain
« Reply #1 on: October 25, 2016, 05:21:11 PM »

Great stuff - Dave, you're all over the map with your spread of styles aren't you? looks like you're having a blast. I'm so pedantic, I spoiled S1 for myself by wondering what the other arm is soiled with...  ::) but I love S2 and 3 -could be standalone, deserves to be until you come up with a better s4 - I know, I know, it's a toughie - but what a quad:

Honest labour is a myth,
sand blows in orchards.
Jesus knocks at the gate,
asks for a glass of water.

Lots of slithery slippery sss sounds in this... superb

Offline duck

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Re: In this year of pain
« Reply #2 on: October 26, 2016, 04:02:32 AM »
Thanks Mark
I believe you have just revealed that even a short poem of a few lines can waffle. Beautifully edited to find the core. Unfortunately I am not clever enough to find any other smart endings.
Dave

Offline Tom 10

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Re: In this year of pain
« Reply #3 on: October 26, 2016, 06:22:05 PM »

A thoughtful, introspective poem, Dave - it has a Ghazal feel to it, which unexpectedly dissolves in S.4, when the connections are revealed. 

A few small comments - A reason for not capitalizing the first word of the poem?  The pattern in the poem might suggest capitalizing the "b".

S.2 L.2 - in > through  /  into  ?

S.4 L.1 - delete but ?

S.4 L.1 - cheeks > cheek  ?

S.4 L.2 - to  > toward  ?


Good writing.   :)

T







Offline REW

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Re: In this year of pain
« Reply #4 on: October 27, 2016, 02:29:10 PM »
Hello I read your poem and liked it because

it is simple yet complicated, interesting, haunting, and easily digestible barren fruit from the last harvest.   :) 

REW

Offline matty11

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Re: In this year of pain
« Reply #5 on: November 03, 2016, 10:58:06 PM »
Quote
Honest labour is a myth.
Sand blows in orchards.

Jesus knocks at the gate
asks for a glass of water,

but we turn the other way,
cement bricks in the wall.

I agree with Mark that condensing is a possible, though S4 does offer an option of giving more perspective.

best

matty