Author Topic: No title. This is my first poem i've ever wrote, let me know what you think!  (Read 1169 times)

Offline parallaxthecat

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I don't even have a Title I'm sorry lol i'm new.
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I feel it creeping up again
Depressions breath on the back of my neck
It's hand dig into my chest, splits me open
and reminds me of what i tried to forget.

Every bad decision i've made, everytime
i was betrayed by who i trusted most.
These memories haunting me like a ghost
trapped in between heaven and hell.

Will it every fucking stop
Why can't i just be happy without you
twisting my eyes restoring this shell.

I know that you're only a chemical
imbalance in my head.
So i'll slowly gain the strength to
leave my bed and repair the damage
with a needle and thread.

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Give me your honest opinions and don't sugar coat it please.

Offline Tom 10

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If you want to write, the important thing is that you are now writing!  Congratulations. 
As a first poem it is far better than mine.

That said, you will want to read poetry in order to write poetry.  More as an observation than criticism, this reads like a journal entry.  There are some good pointers in the pinned thread at the top of this board.  There are also good resources available by googling 'poem writing'. 

Welcome to MWC..
T

Offline parallaxthecat

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Okay thank you for the tips :)

Do you or anyone else mind telling me what you didn't like about it in more detail?:O
Be as harsh as you want haha.

Offline duck

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Hi and welcome
Tom has been most kind and provided you with the best possible encouragement. Write and write some more and read and read some more.
The poem deals reasonably well with a very tired subject - a favourite of new posters here - and despite many of the ideas being old hat you do manage not to over dramatise and make it feel as if you mean it.

You need a lot of work on writing correctly, if that is what you want - I not i/the first thing I've ever written not wrote/maybe think of using question marks.

However, keep it up, now you have made a start.

Dave

Lin

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For a first attempt I was impressed. :D  However, the F word jarred me when I had been reading such profound words.  I know you were probably trying to strengthen a point, but for me it took away the flow.  It was a bit like writing Wordsworth's 'Daffodils' to add 'That floats on fucking high over vale and hill.'  LOL :D It just didnt seem right. I would take it out as it didnt work for me. See what you think.   

I commend you for writing this, it certainly showed your frame of mind and I was with you all the way except for the one word.  I wish you every success with your poems and keep going. This was better than my first attempt I am sure.

Lin 

Offline parallaxthecat

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Okay thank you so much! And i agree with you haha i'll take it out.

Offline MrOrdinaryMan

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Hey there!
I like the poem. It is well done for a first timer. I would say that if you were to omit the word depression that it would give the poem a sense of mystery (which I personally like). I just think that it would cause people to think as they read it instead of literally spelling out the exact meaning of the poem. The element of ambiguity allows for more than one interpretation of poems and causes great discussions! There are other ways to drop hints that you are discussing depression and I think that would be a good thing to consider. This is just my opinion, though. You don't have to listen to me  :) Good luck with your other writing!