Author Topic: Screenplay in the works called Healing Blood  (Read 2103 times)

Offline badradio2014

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Screenplay in the works called Healing Blood
« on: July 18, 2016, 05:25:35 PM »
I do trust the criticism here. And I came to this site because of some strange criticism for this scene. The person said that the character should have gone to the police when her friend unknowingly found herself in the hands of vampires. I've never seen that in paranormal fantasy/horror. Anyway in this scene the main character, Loretta, sees her coworker, Theresa, jumping in the car with a woman that only Loretta knows is a vampire. Loretta tries to warn her, but Theresa rides off with them nonetheless.  I should also mention that Loretta is with a husband, Craig, who doesn't believe the story either. He is bound to wheelchair.



EXT. PARKING LOT among cars - NIGHT

Coworkers yell GOODBYE to Loretta  as she heads for her car. She hears Theresa calling out to her. She looks up to see her waving standing next to a vehicle.

                                                                      THERESA
                                                     I want you to meet my friend!

With a broad smile Loretta  walks over to the driver's side and looks in at Dale Clocker. They shake.

                                                                      THERESA
                                                      Loretta, this is Dale.

                                                                       LORETTA
                                                      Dale. Nice to meet you.

                                                                       DALE
                                                      Likewise.

Loretta  sits down and closes the door.

                                                                       THERESA
                                                      We're going to check out this new club downtown
                                                      L.A. Dance a little. Some drinky poo. They say the
                                                      food's good too.

                                                                       LORETTA
                                                      Sounds great. Well, break a leg you two. And let
                                                      me know the details.

                                                                       DALE
                                                      If she can remember them. This one can toss 'em
                                                      down!

They all LAUGH as Theresa punches Dale's shoulder.

                                                                       THERESA
                                                      You jerk! He's joking!

The talking stops as Loretta hears a VOICE coming from the DARKENED back seat.

                                                                       VALERIE (O.S.)
                                                      Excuse me but could someone turn on the light back
                                                      here. I seem to have misplaced my purse.

The light's turned on. Loretta  stares as Valerie looks dead in her eyes with a mocking smirk. Loretta  stands petrified.

                                                                        VALERIE
                                                                (a lilting voice)
                                                       Found it.

The engine starts as they pull away.

                                                                        THERESA
                                                       See you Monday!

Loretta 's levity turns to desperation as she SHOUTS frantically into the moving car, following it as it backs up.

                                                                         LORETTA
                                                       Theresa, get out of there! Theresa, that's
                                                       her! Get out of the car now!

Theresa looks at Loretta  with bulging eyes. Dale LAUGHS out loud as he throws the gear into drive. Loretta  watches as the car turns onto the street. She first walks after the car then begins running after it down the sidewalk as it rolls through traffic.

                                                                         LORETTA  (CONTD)
                                                                  (yelling)
                                                        Theresa, get out of there! Theresa, he's not who you
                                                        think! Theresa get out of the car!

LORETTA'S P.O.V. THERESA LOOKING BACK AT HER LIKE SHE'S CRAZY.

She gives up the chase, stops and pulls her hair, pacing in circles.

INT. Living room of bungalow

She storms inside, plops down on a couch and buries her head in her hands, CRYING. She grabs a cigarette and lights it as Craig wheels himself into the living room.

                                                                         CRAIG
                                                       Loretta? What's going on?

She shakes her head in frustration.

                                                                         LORETTA
                                                       Nothing. Go back into the bedroom. I'll be in there
                                                       in a minute.

                                                                         CRAIG
                                                       I'm supposed to just ignore that you're in here
                                                       balling your eyes out?

He wheels closer to her chair.

                                                                          CRAIG
                                                       Now talk to me, baby. What's going on?

He grabs her hand for the caress as she stands up and heads over to the window, looking away.

                                                                          LORETTA
                                                       Craig, it's nothing, okay. It was a hard day
                                                       at the coffee house. Wall to wall jerks.

                                                                          CRAIG
                                                       No, Loretta. I happen to know you love serving
                                                       those wall to wall jerks. Now don't start shutting
                                                       me out.

Her eyes downcast, Loretta remains stubbornly silent.

                                                                           CRAIG
                                                       You're my wife, baby. Talk to me.

He watches as she sits down and stares at the wall. He  sadly turns and wheels his chair back into the bedroom.
« Last Edit: July 18, 2016, 05:30:45 PM by badradio2014 »

Offline badradio2014

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Re: Screenplay in the works called Healing Blood
« Reply #1 on: August 04, 2016, 03:33:12 PM »
Great feedback, Miami. I am doing this on my own with little expert advice. Self taught as you can see, though I have done several that filmmakers have held in high regard, yet the money was never there to bring them to life. I would greatly appreciate as much feedback for Healing Blood as you can give me. Again, thanks.

Offline muttonman

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Re: Screenplay in the works called Healing Blood
« Reply #2 on: October 19, 2016, 02:23:44 PM »
Also, you shouldn't include camera direction in a script (POV shots).  That's the directors job and they'll do what they want anyway.

I also didn't like the bulging eyes description.  It makes me think of Arnolds character in Total Recall when he gets trapped on Mars and his eyes bulge out of his head. I'm assuming you meant "wide-eyed"

"He grabs her hand for the caress" is awkwardly worded.  If he doesn't actually caress her hand, leave it out and just put "He grabs her hand"

And there were some spelling issues (balling vs bawling).  If you're not 100% sure on a spelling, look it up.

Overall, it seems solid though.  Keep at it!