Author Topic: Found a random file with writing for one of my potential "scripts"  (Read 2608 times)

Offline Anon3466

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Please excuse the completely terrible formatting. These are two scenes that would not be consecutive to each other in sequence but here it is...
Also, if you would like any comments on any work you have done I would be happy to do so. But in full disclosure, I consider myself more of a "beginner"/not as developed a writer as I'd liked to be just yet therefore my comments may be not as educationally critical as you'd like but could reflect the appeal of your script on more "average viewers" (readers)

1= Main
2= CPS Rep

1: So how does this whole custody thing work
2: [explanation]
1: Okay but how do i get out of it
2: Of what?
1: The whole thing. All the custody. I mean who can I give him to?
2: Well, first off, I want you to understand we are talking about a little boy, not a hand-me-down that gets tossed around.
1: I know that-
2: And second, itís not that simple. His original guardian was his grandmother but now that she has informed us of her recent diagnosis, we think it would be improper to-
1: Hold on, diagnosis? What, what diagnosis?
2: I thought you were aware.
1: Well, obviously Iím not.
1: She has Alzheimer's. Itís early onset, but thereís no point in giving Max a temporary home.
2: Shit.
1: Iím sorry.
2: You think maybe sheíll forget her son was shot in the desert? (laughs at the disturbance of this thought).
1: (shocked by the inappropriate sense of humor)
2: You know whatís funny. Iím a soldier. And I got custody of her without a mental evaluation, a PTSD test, and whatever the fuck other tests you need to get a kid. Is that really the wisest decision the CPS has made?
1: We would allow him to reside in your home while we monitored and gathered sufficient evidence of your competency. Or lack thereof if thatís your concern.
2: Is there anyone else he can stay with for now?
1: Well if you cannot provide residence he will stay in Child Protective Services custody for now, probably have to stay at a foster-
2: No, no, no, no. Heíll stay with me. I just would like to talk about a solution in the long run.
1: Letís take it one step at a time. For now, you have a boy who just lost his father.
2: Can we stay at his house? If Iím there?
1: I donít see why not. It may be easier to come back to familiar territory. OR maybe it will be easier to move to an entire home completely
2: Itís already an entirely different home.

1: Main
2: Boy

1: Iím microwaving. Right, youíre seven. This box right here (taps the microwave), it creates heat and that makes our food warm.
2: Actually Iím eight and thatís not how microwaves work. (explains microwave science shit)
1: Huh? Right, well thatís what I meant.
2: I donít think you know what youíre doing.
1: Listen kid, weíre gonna add two more rules to the list. Ready?
(boy takes out a notebook and pencil)
One, I absolutely know what I am doing. And two, you cannot tell me I donít know what Iím doing.
2: What if you donít know what youíre doing?
1: Well, thatís never gonna happen, okay? Actually add this one: three, you cannot leave the table until you have finished all your breakfast.
(takes a little pride in her instilling a typical parentís law)
2: But Iím not hungry.
1: No, you're depressed. Thereís a difference.
(screams ďshitĒ in her head. Speaking before thinking to a child is not the best thing a guardian can do, temporary or not.)
(thereís a long pause where she watches the boyís face cautiously, nervously, waiting for the last leg before he has a complete mental collapse all because of her)
2: I am sad. My daddy just died. But Iím not depressed.
1: Really? How do you know?
2: Because I donít drink.
1: Drink what?
2: Alcohol.
1: Youíre eight.
1: Happy people drink alcohol too you know. Maybe thatís why theyíre happy.
2: People who drink as much as you are depressed. Wikipedia says so.
1: Excuse me? When have you ever seen me drink?
2: When my daddy yelled at you for being too drunk to feel anything.
1: You heard that?
2: Yes.
1: Rule four, no eavesdropping. Does your eight year old self know what that means.
2: Yes. No listening when you werenít invited.
1: Great.
(pause. 1 puts a few dishes away)
2: What does screwing mean?
1: Jesus, absolutely never say that. Or, Iíll- I will, wash your mouth with soap. Or ground you. Actually both, Okay?
2: okay. But what does it mean?
2: Youíll find out in a few years. Actually, make it like a decade. I think thatís better.
1: Huh?
2: Finish your food. We gotta go.

Offline muttonman

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Re: Found a random file with writing for one of my potential "scripts"
« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2016, 12:50:41 AM »
There's some good banter there for sure... I'm interested to see where it goes

Offline Plain Helvetica

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Re: Found a random file with writing for one of my potential "scripts"
« Reply #2 on: October 22, 2016, 10:53:47 AM »
Quick point: surely in a script somebody screaming something inside their head is redundant?

Offline heidi52

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Re: Found a random file with writing for one of my potential "scripts"
« Reply #3 on: October 23, 2016, 12:27:47 PM »
Other than PH's observation, I enjoyed reading this and think you have the start of something.
Keep writing.