Author Topic: A crystal of salt  (Read 1037 times)

Offline zzzgog

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A crystal of salt
« on: October 12, 2016, 04:20:44 AM »
I am a crystal, intricately shaped
Of salt am I formed, sodium is my base
Scarcely visible to an eye nude
To which my beauty is made crude

Dainty yet vile, exquisite but also fragile
I stir in the cruel rapids, slowly disbanding
Expanding, disintegrating, perpetually fading
A death truly agonizing forever is beckoning

Who will remember me? Surely nobody
One crystal does not stain waters of purity
Utterly insignificant, I truly am
Like a raindrop in a storm, I truly am

Oh, the river! Great power indeed
Rapidly accelerating rapids, crisp yet sordid
Powerful and majestic you are, indeed
Severe and wild in fury, you are on me

And though none may be safe from your temper
There is one truth that is indeed a surety
When many like me perish together
We do make your water salty

Gavin.Marconi

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Re: A crystal of salt
« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2016, 07:47:29 AM »
Hi

At first glance, this piece had me furrowing my brow a little, mostly in confusion. However, after a few more reads, many possible interpretations opened themselves up to me. One being that it is actually from a salt crystal's perspective. Then it seemed like it was more about a flood of emotions, referencing salty tears. Lastly, as I read the end bit, I wondered if this is a cleverly disguised suicide poem with allusions to the salt in our bodies. Are any of them correct?

Usually I am a huge fan of rhyme, in this case, I don't think it does your work any good. Especially since you only employed it in the first stanza and the syntax in line 3 is being tormented to accommodate it. Remember: there is only one Shakespeare  ;D

Overall I loved the idea and the watery metaphors. Plus, I always enjoy a bit of guesswork.

Gavin


« Last Edit: October 12, 2016, 10:21:38 AM by Gavin.Marconi »

Offline Lantaka

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Re: A crystal of salt
« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2017, 09:26:37 PM »
Greetings to you
I know i'm still a novice but I really enjoyed your piece. Although there is a schematice rhyming on the first two stanzas, it didn't suffice and wasn't consistent all throughout. And what have been said above, the salt and watery metaphors are something to be commended. Anyways, I really enjoyed this one.