Author Topic: Whenever it rains  (Read 1224 times)

Offline zzzgog

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Whenever it rains
« on: October 01, 2016, 09:16:48 AM »
Hello again guys! I hope you haven't forgotten me, I'm the guy who was trying to be pretentious  :D. The fate in randomness poem, yeah, that was me. I took a bit of hiatus from the internet itself, the last time I was online here was in July. I suffered through a "poets block", shall we say, but now I have a poem I'd like to share again. 


Whenever it rains
I see dirt being washed away
Purity is born out of filth
Filth is cast away

Whenever it rains
My heart aches, and thinks
O God! Is there rain
That washes away our sins?

Whenever it rains
I think it possible, no, more than probable
because there is no purity without filth
Make it rain God, let us obtain

Cleanliness

Clean our lives and our souls
Wash our faces and our hearts
Make them shine
Let the luster of the heart be born again

Let us live as brothers
With no enmity or hatred between us
For the rain that will clean
I will wait

brenden_norwood

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Re: Whenever it rains
« Reply #1 on: October 02, 2016, 06:31:16 PM »
I like this! Here is some feedback:

1) If you're going to use quatrains, I would make it so that they are generally of the same length. This will help the flow of the piece.

2) While the subject being explored is fascinating, I do think that rain is a bit of a cliche, especially in poetry. Try to find a different analogy/metaphor to express this dichotomy between sin and purity.

3) Change the word cleanliness. Perhaps to spotless? I just feel as if by making it its own line, it needs to be a stronger word.

4) Is this a poem directed at a god? The fifth stanza alludes to Christian sentiments. If this is the central topic you'd like to explore, I'd draw it out more.

5) The last stanza, no offense, kind of sounds like something from a Hallmark card. I think you should find a more unique way to express that sentiment.

Hope the feedback was helpful, thanks for sharing! :)

Offline zzzgog

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Re: Whenever it rains
« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2016, 08:11:36 AM »
I like this! Here is some feedback:

1) If you're going to use quatrains, I would make it so that they are generally of the same length. This will help the flow of the piece.

2) While the subject being explored is fascinating, I do think that rain is a bit of a cliche, especially in poetry. Try to find a different analogy/metaphor to express this dichotomy between sin and purity.

3) Change the word cleanliness. Perhaps to spotless? I just feel as if by making it its own line, it needs to be a stronger word.

4) Is this a poem directed at a god? The fifth stanza alludes to Christian sentiments. If this is the central topic you'd like to explore, I'd draw it out more.

5) The last stanza, no offense, kind of sounds like something from a Hallmark card. I think you should find a more unique way to express that sentiment.

Hope the feedback was helpful, thanks for sharing! :)

Indeed, it was helpful, thank you Brendan!