Author Topic: All critiques and comments welcome here....  (Read 3059 times)

Offline Anon3466

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All critiques and comments welcome here....
« on: September 29, 2016, 06:00:01 PM »
Hey ya'll,
I have a couple of pages of a script I'd like to share for review and commentary--I don't want to say to much about the plot for a couple of reasons. This scene is between two of the main characters -- a male cop (John) and a female criminal (4023). What do you think of the writing, characters, (maybe guess what the plot could be)..anything!

+Interior. Melís Diner

4023 is slurping her soup. John doesnít take an eye off her, ready for any and all attempts she might make to run away. 4023 continues slurping her soup all the while looking at John for a similar reason:

John:
What?

4023:
What do you mean what?

John:
Why are you staring at me?

4023:
Why are you? (Takes a napkin and cleans her lips and then moves the soup to the side)
Iím trying to figure out if I can trust you.

(John laughs)
John:
You trusting me is the issue? You not only killed but butchered up over a dozen men as if they were pigs. I have a daughter, read her bedtime stories, maybe watch a late night movie but itís you that canít trust me.

4023:
(scoffs) The world is so small to you. Of Course thatís how all cops see the world- black and white, but only when it's convenient. Your every day consists of folding things and putting them away in neat little filing drawers- you think youíve separated the good and bad. God, I pity people like you.
(John doesnít take this very seriously. Sheís crazy right? Heís amused but doesnít think about anything she says)

John:
People like me?

4023:
Yes. The ones with loyalty and morals. The ones that are still hopeful that the world can be better even if their drowning in it themselves.    Donít worry John. I pity you, but I still like you. I wonít kill you. Protecting who you think is good isnít enough to change the world.
John:
You have a better idea?

4023:
Yes. Be proactive John. The offense, not defense.   But only for yourself. And whoever you want to take with you.

(A waitress brings more coffee for the two as well as bacon strips. After the waitress leaves, 4023 pushes the bacon strips far away from her). Besides, pigs deserve to live more than most humans.       
(Johnís face of amusement turns into one of confusion)

4023:
Iím a vegan.

Cut to Exterior of Moeís Diner. John makes sure 4023 is walking in front of him. While theyíre walking towards the car:

4023:
I know you lied.

John:
What?

4023:
Back in the diner. About your daughter.
(She turns around to face him and he stops)
You said that you read her stories and tuck her in or whatever. Iím curious how youíre able to do that with her living a state away with her grandmother.

John:
How the hell did you know that?
(4023 doesnít answers just smiles)
How, did you know that?
(smiles and shrugs her shoulders)

John angrily turns her around and pushes her to keep walking. They approach the police car and he goes to the front passenger seat. He unlocks the door, sits her down and handcuffs her to the door)

4023:
Are these really necessary?
(John slams the door shut, walks around the car and gets into the front himself)
4023:
Theyíre slicing into my wrists.

John:
Well. Better your wrists than my neck.

4023:
I already told you John, I donít want to kill you.

John:
You should be happy youíre even in this car.

4023:
Please John, you guys need me more than I need you.

John:
We have two other loonies very willing to do the job.

4023:
Theyíre no where near as smart as me. (pause) Besides, theyíre, you know-

(John looks at her)

4023:
(whispers) Crazy.

John doesnít reply. They continue to drive, in silence. From being amused by her banter, after she exposes his lies about her daughter heís now back to feeling passionate condemnation towards her that he thinks he should have never stopped feeling. But this time, itís personal.

John looks at an orange traffic light ahead, thinking about whether to speed up or not. We find out that 4023 has been trying to get out of handcuffs  with a bobby pin she picked up from the diner floor. She gets out of them and quickly grabs Johnís gun and points it to his face. John slams the brakes.

4023:
Keep your hands on the wheel.

(John closes his eyes thinking that sheíll pull the trigger. When too much time has passed by with him still alive, he opens his eyes and sees the handcuffs back on her with her extended both the gun and the bobby pin to him. He looks at her with more confusion than ever before. He takes the gun and pin.

4023:
I told you. I wonít kill you.
(she looks out the window)
But you should probably stop trusting the world John.

Artemis Quark

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Re: All critiques and comments welcome here....
« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2016, 06:40:59 PM »
Hi and welcome to MWC, Anon.

Nice to have you with us. We donít have a lot of rules around here, just enough to keep things running smoothly and welcoming to all.

To make the time you spend here a good experience for you and others, plus, to learn your way around MWC, start by clicking and reading this link to our guidelines.
 
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You'll find other blue Stickies at the top of the various boards to help you learn the ropes and make your time here more productive and enjoyable. One rule often missed by new members is the 2000 max word count for posts in Review My Work, 1500 max for posts in Review My Script and 100 lines in Review My Poetry. A reasonable limit considering critiques are often quite detailed. You will gain valuable feedback more easily digested in bite-sized chunks.

Please Take Note: With the exception of The Gallery, any work posted in the prose or poetry boards is subject to review by fellow members. You may find some critiques to be worthwhile. Some you may feel do not fit your work. Virtually all are an honest effort to help you improve your writing. Take what you find useful and disregard the rest. This is how we learn our craft.

As a newbie to MWC, you will not be able to edit your posts until you have reached the 50-post milestone. Should be easy, especially if you spend some time on the Games thread. It will also improve your vocabulary and hopefully bring on a few laughs. Have fun.

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Cheers,
Artemis Quark

Offline MJTennant

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Re: All critiques and comments welcome here....
« Reply #2 on: October 06, 2016, 05:26:42 AM »
Hello and welcome

I enjoyed reading this but for me the banter between the two characters didn't flow very well.  As this is only a small section of a script, it's not easy to offer that much of a critique really.  I think you could do with fleshing the characters out individually in your head before putting pen to paper (or finger to keys should I say).

I don't believe the cop would say anything about having a daughter in this situation.  A cop wouldn't say anything about his family to a criminal (even one that has been apprehended) as it shows he has a weakness.  This particular cop also makes a confusing read as the emotions he experiences don't necessarily sit well with the scene.

I think it just needs a bit more work.  Especially on your characterization.

It's punchy though and I like the tension you have created between the two characters which you do get through reading this.

Good attempt, keep going I would say!

M J


hillwalker3000

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Re: All critiques and comments welcome here....
« Reply #3 on: October 06, 2016, 08:26:43 AM »
The writing is clean but the scenario didn't seem believable to me. A cop en route to the police station with a serial killer stops off at a diner and they share their philosophy on life while she (presumably free of any hand-cuffs) eats soup. It's difficult to take seriously. I feel you've chosen a rather contrived way to reveal the killer's Lecter-like personality - and the escape scene inside the car seems rushed and unrealistically fortuitous. She picked up a bobby pin from the diner floor???

It's also worth bearing in mind that certain parts don't belong in a script:

John doesn’t take this very seriously. She’s crazy right? He’s amused but doesn’t think about anything she says.
From being amused by her banter, after she exposes his lies about her daughter he’s now back to feeling passionate condemnation towards her that he thinks he should have never stopped feeling. But this time, it’s personal.
John looks at an orange traffic light ahead, thinking about whether to speed up or not.


How can you possibly show this ^^^ on-screen?

H3K

Offline Mico818

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Re: All critiques and comments welcome here....
« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2016, 03:07:17 AM »
I liked this, it kind of gave me a feeling like I was reading for something like White Collar but with more of a dark "bad" main character.

The only thing that kind of didn't sit well with me was the fact that the cop got over the fact that she told him she knows more information about his personal life than he realized. It was kind of like she pissed him off but said something witty so he forgave her or stopped being mad.

Offline muttonman

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Re: All critiques and comments welcome here....
« Reply #5 on: October 19, 2016, 01:40:34 PM »
I think you have the foundation to a solid script, but there are some things that don't belong in a screenplay. 

First: Unless it's super important, don't tell how the character is feeling.  That's the actors job.

Second: don't include non-visual descriptions, directors don't like that
(i.e. From being amused by her banter, after she exposes his lies about her daughter heís now back to feeling passionate condemnation towards her that he thinks he should have never stopped feeling. But this time, itís personal").  Just describe the scene and what's happening.  It's the directors job to establish all of that stuff in a visual way on screen.

Third: obviously, formatting, but I'm going to chalk that up to the fact that you posted this on a forum...

Good work and keep writing!