Author Topic: Healing Blood (hows my choreography?)  (Read 3443 times)

Offline badradio2014

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Healing Blood (hows my choreography?)
« on: August 07, 2016, 01:33:02 PM »
One of the hero members, Miami, suggest that I not begin with a set up, so I am not.  


INT. RED LIT ROOM

The vampire opens the door as Kandice walks in. Dillinger sits on the side of his coffin looking on. He smiles.

DILLINGER - Thank you, Kandice. Female?

KANDICE - Ask you shall receive.

Kandice walks over and flings Loretta onto the floor. the vampire and Dillinger LAUGH as Loretta GRUNTS in pain.

DILLINGER (contd) -I love it when you do that. (to the vampire) Don't you, Sharron?

VAMPIRE - Oh yes.

From the body bag we hear a GASP.

Kandice unzips the body bag with vicious authority as she snatches the mallet, the ax and the stake out and throws them on the floor. She glares angrily down at Loretta as she looks up at Kandice in confusion. The vampire now revealed as Sharron walks over and looks down at Loretta.

SHARRON - Girl, this one must be older than me.

LORETTA - Kandice, you said Dillinger killed her.

Kandice turns her back and walks away with a CHUCKLE.

SHARRON - I was dead, sweetheart. I was dead for a long, long time. But so was she.

Loretta turns and looks at Kandice as she whips around to reveal her blood red fangs and eyes. Slowly, Loretta stands up out of the body bag, looking around her, doomed and  terror stricken. She backs away towards the door as it's KICKED in. She spins around to see the vampires filing in. First to enter is Craig. On Loretta as O.S. Dillinger lets out a boisterous LAUGH.

DILLINGER - Come in, my people. Don't be bashful.

Loretta's eyes follow Craig as he and the rest, including Kandice and Sharron, surround Loretta in a circle, walking like they're in another world. Loretta watches as Valerie stops and stands inside the circle facing Loretta. She closes her eyes as Valerie SPEAKS, the others in the background SPEAKING to her TELEPATHICALLY.

VALERIE - And this is what it's come to, Loretta. Here is where you are to cross over, to begin walking our path.

Valerie rolls her head back, closing her eyes as the others SPEAK.

On Sharron.

SHARRON - (v.o.)  Here is existence, the past, the present and the future. Life.

On Kandice.

KANDICE - (v.o.) Here is forever, Loretta; forever without fear.

On Loretta as she chokes back sobs.

VALERIE - We are preserved by an ageless substance, Loretta. We are strengthened like Craig, like our husband.

With a sad curiosity, Loretta looks at Valerie.

VALERIE - (CONTD) Yes. I'm willing to share him with you; my best friend.

Motel man #1 - (v.o.) Among us you'll taste the wines of hidden cultures from millennium to millennium.

MOTEL MAN #2 - (V.O.) Responsible only for the life of your indestructible breed.

Loretta's eyes follow Craig.

LORETTA - (a raging voice) They've dragged you down to hell!

Loretta closes her eyes again as she hears Craig's response.

CRAIG (V.O.) - But one of pleasure, not pain, where our lusts are forever being served but never satisfied.

VALERIE - Pray for this life we're offering you, Loretta. Pray for this life or accept death in darkness.

LORETTA - (horrified whisper) No.

JANICE - (v.o.) For once in your life, Loretta, there will be a fire in your loins that will burn until quenched.

DALE - (V.O.) For once in your life a man won't have to plead for you to part those legs.

LORETTA - Shut up.

JANICE - (V.O.) You won't feel the urge to slap anymore hot dog vendors.

She fumes hearing the telepathic LAUGHTER.

LORETTA - Fuck you!

A midst the LAUGHTER Craig approaches Loretta and looks into her eyes with a loving expression. He pulls her into him as she shuts her eyes and rolls her head back. She GASPS and bulges her eyes as he bites her. Craig lies her down on the floor as Loretta goes limp. He watches as her body contorts sensuously.
« Last Edit: August 07, 2016, 01:38:23 PM by badradio2014 »

hillwalker3000

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Re: Healing Blood (hows my choreography?)
« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2016, 04:19:16 PM »
How's the choreography? There's way too much in my opinion. The tail is now wagging the dog.

329 words of choreography - 320 words of script (including location, character name and description of how they speak their lines). A 50/50 ratio is completely unrealistic and I doubt any studio would take this amount of control-freakishness seriously. This isn't a screenplay - it's a piece of prose (100% TELL) with the occasional line of dialogue thrown in.

And unfortunately the story comes across as boring the way it's presented here because of the amount of tedious choreography. There's so much walking and turning and looking - and very little else. Does your cast really need to be told how to interact in such excruciating detail?

I suggest you remove most of the choreography and concentrate on fine-tuning the dialogue. You can safely take away any instructions telling the actor how to act or the director how to frame shots as well as anything that can't be shown on screen - for example:

Slowly, Loretta stands up out of the body bag, looking around her, doomed and  terror stricken.
Loretta's eyes follow Craig as he and the rest, including Kandice and Sharron, surround Loretta in a circle, walking like they're in another world. Loretta watches as Valerie stops and stands inside the circle facing Loretta. She closes her eyes as Valerie SPEAKS, the others in the background SPEAKING to her TELEPATHICALLY .
With a sad curiosity, Loretta looks at Valerie.
Loretta's eyes follow Craig.
Loretta closes her eyes again as she hears Craig's response.
She fumes hearing the telepathic LAUGHTER.


H3K

Offline muttonman

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Re: Healing Blood (hows my choreography?)
« Reply #2 on: October 19, 2016, 02:09:07 PM »
I'll agree with the previous poster. There is too much direction in the script.  It's the directors job to decide all of that.  Same thing with camera direction.  You should never include camera direction or transitions in a spec script, unless you're the director, but even then, that script would only be for you.

Overall, very interesting premise. good luck with the rest of it!

Offline pexipo8863

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Re: Healing Blood (hows my choreography?)
« Reply #3 on: November 30, 2021, 02:02:35 AM »
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