All critiques and comments welcome here....

[Anon3466]

Hey ya'll,
I have a couple of pages of a script I'd like to share for review and commentary--I don't want to say to much about the plot for a couple of reasons. This scene is between two of the main characters -- a male cop (John) and a female criminal (4023). What do you think of the writing, characters, (maybe guess what the plot could be)..anything!

+Interior. Mel’s Diner

4023 is slurping her soup. John doesn’t take an eye off her, ready for any and all attempts she might make to run away. 4023 continues slurping her soup all the while looking at John for a similar reason:

John:
What?

4023:
What do you mean what?

John:
Why are you staring at me?

4023:
Why are you? (Takes a napkin and cleans her lips and then moves the soup to the side)
I’m trying to figure out if I can trust you.

(John laughs)
John:
You trusting me is the issue? You not only killed but butchered up over a dozen men as if they were pigs. I have a daughter, read her bedtime stories, maybe watch a late night movie but it’s you that can’t trust me.

4023:
(scoffs) The world is so small to you. Of Course that’s how all cops see the world- black and white, but only when it's convenient. Your every day consists of folding things and putting them away in neat little filing drawers- you think you’ve separated the good and bad. God, I pity people like you.
(John doesn’t take this very seriously. She’s crazy right? He’s amused but doesn’t think about anything she says)

John:
People like me?

4023:
Yes. The ones with loyalty and morals. The ones that are still hopeful that the world can be better even if their drowning in it themselves.    Don’t worry John. I pity you, but I still like you. I won’t kill you. Protecting who you think is good isn’t enough to change the world.
John:
You have a better idea?

4023:
Yes. Be proactive John. The offense, not defense.   But only for yourself. And whoever you want to take with you.

(A waitress brings more coffee for the two as well as bacon strips. After the waitress leaves, 4023 pushes the bacon strips far away from her). Besides, pigs deserve to live more than most humans.       
(John’s face of amusement turns into one of confusion)

4023:
I’m a vegan.

Cut to Exterior of Moe’s Diner. John makes sure 4023 is walking in front of him. While they’re walking towards the car:

4023:
I know you lied.

John:
What?

4023:
Back in the diner. About your daughter.
(She turns around to face him and he stops)
You said that you read her stories and tuck her in or whatever. I’m curious how you’re able to do that with her living a state away with her grandmother.

John:
How the hell did you know that?
(4023 doesn’t answers just smiles)
How, did you know that?
(smiles and shrugs her shoulders)

John angrily turns her around and pushes her to keep walking. They approach the police car and he goes to the front passenger seat. He unlocks the door, sits her down and handcuffs her to the door)

4023:
Are these really necessary?
(John slams the door shut, walks around the car and gets into the front himself)
4023:
They’re slicing into my wrists.

John:
Well. Better your wrists than my neck.

4023:
I already told you John, I don’t want to kill you.

John:
You should be happy you’re even in this car.

4023:
Please John, you guys need me more than I need you.

John:
We have two other loonies very willing to do the job.

4023:
They’re no where near as smart as me. (pause) Besides, they’re, you know-

(John looks at her)

4023:
(whispers) Crazy.

John doesn’t reply. They continue to drive, in silence. From being amused by her banter, after she exposes his lies about her daughter he’s now back to feeling passionate condemnation towards her that he thinks he should have never stopped feeling. But this time, it’s personal.

John looks at an orange traffic light ahead, thinking about whether to speed up or not. We find out that 4023 has been trying to get out of handcuffs  with a bobby pin she picked up from the diner floor. She gets out of them and quickly grabs John’s gun and points it to his face. John slams the brakes.

4023:
Keep your hands on the wheel.

(John closes his eyes thinking that she’ll pull the trigger. When too much time has passed by with him still alive, he opens his eyes and sees the handcuffs back on her with her extended both the gun and the bobby pin to him. He looks at her with more confusion than ever before. He takes the gun and pin.

4023:
I told you. I won’t kill you.
(she looks out the window)
But you should probably stop trusting the world John.

[Artemis Quark]

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[MJTennant]

Hello and welcome

I enjoyed reading this but for me the banter between the two characters didn't flow very well.  As this is only a small section of a script, it's not easy to offer that much of a critique really.  I think you could do with fleshing the characters out individually in your head before putting pen to paper (or finger to keys should I say).

I don't believe the cop would say anything about having a daughter in this situation.  A cop wouldn't say anything about his family to a criminal (even one that has been apprehended) as it shows he has a weakness.  This particular cop also makes a confusing read as the emotions he experiences don't necessarily sit well with the scene.

I think it just needs a bit more work.  Especially on your characterization.

It's punchy though and I like the tension you have created between the two characters which you do get through reading this.

Good attempt, keep going I would say!

M J

[hillwalker3000]

The writing is clean but the scenario didn't seem believable to me. A cop en route to the police station with a serial killer stops off at a diner and they share their philosophy on life while she (presumably free of any hand-cuffs) eats soup. It's difficult to take seriously. I feel you've chosen a rather contrived way to reveal the killer's Lecter-like personality - and the escape scene inside the car seems rushed and unrealistically fortuitous. She picked up a bobby pin from the diner floor???

It's also worth bearing in mind that certain parts don't belong in a script:

John doesn’t take this very seriously. She’s crazy right? He’s amused but doesn’t think about anything she says.
From being amused by her banter, after she exposes his lies about her daughter he’s now back to feeling passionate condemnation towards her that he thinks he should have never stopped feeling. But this time, it’s personal.
John looks at an orange traffic light ahead, thinking about whether to speed up or not.

How can you possibly show this ^^^ on-screen?

H3K

[Mico818]

I liked this, it kind of gave me a feeling like I was reading for something like White Collar but with more of a dark "bad" main character.

The only thing that kind of didn't sit well with me was the fact that the cop got over the fact that she told him she knows more information about his personal life than he realized. It was kind of like she pissed him off but said something witty so he forgave her or stopped being mad.

[muttonman]

I think you have the foundation to a solid script, but there are some things that don't belong in a screenplay. 

First: Unless it's super important, don't tell how the character is feeling.  That's the actors job.

Second: don't include non-visual descriptions, directors don't like that
(i.e. From being amused by her banter, after she exposes his lies about her daughter he’s now back to feeling passionate condemnation towards her that he thinks he should have never stopped feeling. But this time, it’s personal").  Just describe the scene and what's happening.  It's the directors job to establish all of that stuff in a visual way on screen.

Third: obviously, formatting, but I'm going to chalk that up to the fact that you posted this on a forum...

Good work and keep writing!