Author Topic: My screenplay/script  (Read 3846 times)

Offline Jordan1569

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My screenplay/script
« on: April 29, 2016, 06:43:19 PM »
Im not sire if this is in the right place but this is my script and some additional information about a sci fi post apocalyptic series. This is my 1st script so im open to criticism.

Background information:
Set in 2120
Nothing much has changed on normal earth however there are alot more gadgets.
The story is focused on a group of people in a secret government group known only as the guardians.
The people in this group are highly trained to use the weapons in that time.(Weapons could be as follows:a two handed staff which applies a shock at each end, shurikens which retun using magnets, a sword crafted from an alien rock which dropped onto earth at some point (the main character wields this) and a gun which doesnt run out of bullets as it's ammo is liquid which turns hard.
Earth is dying as the world leaders have gone to nuclear war. The guardians are watching it from their base which is situated in the middle of the pacific ocean.

Main characters:
Terrence:leader of this task force-a man who is not afraid to break the rules to do the right thing-edgy-risktaker-objective driven-authorative-late 30's.

Jake: Terrences most advanced student-wields the alien sword-humourous-optimistic-caring-around 25 years old.

Kaitlyn:Slightly seductive-wields the staff-pretty dumb-cold hearted-early 20's.

Lucian: Has no affection towards anyone and has no feelings for anyone-keeps to himself-orphan-had to fight to survive in early life-wields the gun-late 20's.

Chang(female):bubbly-very brainy-humorous-knowledge in computers and the sciences-wields the shurikens-geeky but beautiful-late 20's.

1st scene:
SD:Everyone in a room similar to that of an fbi office. It appears very chaotic.

Agent:Director the americas have been destroyed.

Director: Send a rescue helicopter to the neighbouring islands to see if they are radiated.(walks out stressed followed by terrence)

Terrence: Director! We no longer have a choice me must advance with project-X.

Director: What! Project-x is a suicide mission i will not send good agents to die for no reason whatsoever.

Terrence: Look around you sir we have a maximum of a week before our base is surrounded by toxic radiation if we don't do something we WILL die inside this box.

Director: I cannot authorise a death sentence to the 5 best agents I have, I need them to save this world.

Terrence: Sir this world is beyond saving.

(Director walks off)

(Terrence goes to his team who were awaiting his return)

Jake: So what did he say?

Terrence: Project-X cannot be authorised.

(Team sighs)

Terrence: However that does not mean we cannot move forward with it.

Kaitlyn: Sir what have you got in mind?(curiously)

Terrence: Get your helmets ready team, we,re going for a ride.

Plot for the rest:
The team takes a rocket to planet-x which they believe is inhabited but they dont know by what. Any team that has made it there hasn't messaged back or returned. They escape without permission from the director leaving the rest of the guardians to die. Once they crash land at planet-x they are swiftly captured and taken (afyer a long fight scene) to be executed. The inhabitants of planet-x are humanoid except they all have dreadlock like hair and different colour eyes(yellow,red,purple,bright green,orange. The planet looks almost like earth but it is very foggy and almost like a rainforest. The ground feels more spongy and they feel alot more weightless. Before they are executed, the general of this planet stops them and explains to his people that he needs them for his plan, the people listen and back off.

Each eye colour represents a different power a person has and they are born with these powers and trained to use them in schools.
Red= the ability to see life in thermal and experienced sorcerers can manipulate a persons body.
Yellow= the ability to turn invisible for a short amount of time. Experienced sorcerers can go invisible for longer and make someone else go invisible.
Purple=telekenisis. Experienced sorcerers can pick up other people.
Bright green= the ability to control nature and have it do your bidding. Experienced sorcerers can control the weather but this is rare.
Orange= the ability to control fire and create fire from nothing. More experience means bigger fires and more precise control
White= the ability to control air. The more experienced you are the more stuff you can do.
Bright blue= the ability to control water. The more experienced the more stuff you can do like controlling the seas creatures.

Offline To a T

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Re: My screenplay/script
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2016, 05:27:56 AM »
Hello Jordan,

I read your script - sounds like a fun enough Sc Fi premise...
Who - MC cool names, but age group is massive gap of 10 years...
Guardians? Same age?
Humanoids with different different colored eyes
What - Earth's destruction
When - approx. 100 years in the future
Where - off into space
Why - survival of the human race?

So spin your story!
Stories are usually plot driven or character driven - hopefully a combo of both.
Do you know your SF genre? - Do you like to read?
Bradbury was a favorite of mine and I'll propose his stories were character based
Weir's The Martian - is mostly plot.

I encourage you to spend time developing characters to find their unique voice & actions,
and delve into the storyline more - what conflicts arise?  how is it resolved, how does
that lead into more complication...


Life isn't always pretty,
but colour won't hurt you

Offline Jordan1569

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Re: My screenplay/script
« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2016, 11:52:42 AM »
Thanks for the advice i will take this all into consideration whilst improving this script.


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Re: My screenplay/script
« Reply #3 on: May 03, 2016, 07:06:38 PM »
You no doubt have a fascinating plot in mind. . . but all you have here is an outline of characters and setting rather than a script. That won't get you very far. The segment of screenplay you included doesn't read particularly exciting or original.

A room similar to an FBI office? I don't even know what that means - or why it matters. Have you ever been inside an FBI office?

I'd have to say the attempt at dialogue and interaction is also weak:

Agent: Director the Americas have been destroyed.

Director: Send a rescue helicopter to the neighbouring islands to see if they are radiated.

(walks out stressed  ??? followed by Terrence)

Do you seriously believe this is how such a cataclysmic event might happen in reality? You make it sound as dramatic as someone telling the Director they forgot to put cream in his coffee.

My advice - read some scripts to see how they look, watch movies, use your imagination to come up with more than just an outline.


Offline C-hat

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Re: My screenplay/script
« Reply #4 on: May 28, 2016, 06:08:12 PM »
 Hey Jordan,

You've got a very good imagination and great creativity. It's a little hard sometimes to put what is in our minds onto paper and still be able to blow people away, so I'm glad you posted here in hopes of bettering your work and learning for future reference. You may want to do a little bit of research on the exact set up of a script, especially a sci-fi one, since most of what you're introducing is going to be foreign to most viewers, and detail for it is a must. However, if you put too much detail in at once, you'll either confuse or overwhelm your readers, so introducing "project x" earlier on in the story, say in a cut scene or a dark, foreshadowing panning shot will let viewers know that this thing is dangerous.

Your lines of dialogue also seem to lack any sort of emotion. It's almost robotic. Ellipses ( i.e. "...") can be powerful for dramatic pauses, and exclamation points for when a character is feeling frustrated or angry. There are several places online where you can learn to make punctuation powerful, such as

Offline badradio2014

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Re: My screenplay/script
« Reply #5 on: July 21, 2016, 05:46:11 PM »
You need to find a way to make the dialogue less stiff, like Hillwalker said. And give it some urgency. For instance when one of the character said "this world is beyond saving." there should have been some response from the director hearing a statement that startling. That is a missed opportunity for some added drama.

Offline Oceaxe

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Re: My screenplay/script
« Reply #6 on: July 25, 2016, 12:19:27 PM »
Not a radio play then  :)

But here's a thought, try to write your story as a radio play to begin with. This will force you to concentrate on your dialogue which is, frankly, a bit dire at the moment. And you can do almost anything on radio for the price of a few sound effects and a good story.

Here's a version I hope shows how dialogue can put you right there in the action (excuse the presumption on my part).

Terrence: Director, they've destroyed New York.

Director: And most of the east coast, yes I know.

Terrence: We no longer have a choice!

Director: I will not send good agents to die for no reason!

Terrence: There's every reason.. Look, just let me try.

Director: Project-x is a suicide mission.

Dialogue can be a powerful way of telling a story.
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W.B. Yeats (18651939)