Author Topic: Fate in randomness.  (Read 1146 times)

Offline zzzgog

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Fate in randomness.
« on: June 28, 2016, 12:57:17 PM »
Another poem guys, I hope you like it.

Like the movement of a herd,
when a predator attacks,
Like the stirring in an ant's nest,
When a child pokes it,

Everything is random.

The wills of many humans, not a few,
each with their own desires,
interact with each other,
to produce the events,
that you and I study.

When a scarlet apple falls,
does it fall
because the child below
wants to taste it's sweetness?

Or because the wind was swift?
Or because the apple grew heavy?
Or because it's stalk withered?

It is all of these, and none of these.
The apple fell, because it was destined to fall.
There was fate in it's randomness.


Offline duck

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Re: Fate in randomness.
« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2016, 03:35:57 AM »
Although there are lots of similes and metaphors, I feel this tells too much and leaves too little to the imagination. The drive for an answer is too strong. The poem basically lays the core content in S1 out for the reader so the rest of the poem is revolving around what was already succintly told. The last S in particular is telling the reader what to think.

perhaps there is a more subtle, less direct way to allow the reader imagine the message for him/herself?
Dave

Offline Amie

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Re: Fate in randomness.
« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2016, 05:10:02 AM »
My thoughts exactly.

A much smaller point: it's is the contraction for "it is". The possessive is "its", without an apostrophe (just like hers, his, ours, yours, etc don't have apostrophes)
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka

Offline CorneliusPoe

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Re: Fate in randomness.
« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2016, 07:38:58 AM »
You're reaching high again and I admire and applaud it. I agree whole-heartedly with Dave's assessment of the poem's primary weakness. I hope you do not overlook its real strengths. There are some strong lines and potent poetry, particularly in the parallelism surrounding the apple fall. Your best work will be when you combine passion with craft. the two poems you've posted display talent and passion, the rest is just work and practice. Keep at it. :)
"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Fate in randomness.
« Reply #4 on: June 29, 2016, 07:27:07 PM »
Z -

You've gotten some excellent advice.

For myself as a reader, I am more taken by a single line describing the apple falling than paragraphs about fate and randomness and destiny and the wills of humans, etc.

Maybe try to tell your poem without using those words at all.

Maybe let the apple tell the poem.

 8)
T

Offline zzzgog

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Re: Fate in randomness.
« Reply #5 on: July 03, 2016, 05:57:49 PM »
Thank you everyone for your honest revision. It seems that subtlety is missing from my poem, I'll try to get that in future poems!

Offline Amie

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Re: Fate in randomness.
« Reply #6 on: July 04, 2016, 01:49:49 AM »
Trust the reader to make conclusions from your observations (and trust yourself to make clear enough observations that the readers can reach the conclusions you want them to). It doesn't mean you need to be deliberately obscure - you can present a clear picture and let the reader work out what it means, rather than presenting a clear picture and then explaining to the reader what it means.

Have a look at the sticky and the section on abstractions: http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=7667.0
« Last Edit: July 04, 2016, 01:56:04 AM by Amie »
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka