This is the first half of a script for a live action/animated short film I'm going to make. This is the first script I've written and I would really like to know if it sucks before I go ahead and make it. Any feedback/critique/suggestions or advice would be much appreciated! Also I should apologize for originally posting this in the wrong section. Thank you for taking the time to help me.
INT./EXT. – HOUSE - NIGHT
Sweeping shots of an oddly quiet house, we see dishes in the sink,
the tap still dripping, long uncut grass outside, a bottle of cleaning
liquid rests on the windowsill, parts of a shattered telescope are
scattered across the pavement. The searing light of a meteor
approaching grows more and more intense and just as it hits the
ground-
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM – EVENING
A man’s hands tearing wrapping paper apart. Liam’s family are
celebrating his 50th Birthday. The in-laws Tom and Claire are over.
Liam wears a party hat that Tom forced him to put it on. He is
attempting to unwrap a meticulously wrapped present.
Tom who holds his fourth beer in hand sits next to Liam. His arm
rests across the back of the couch so Liam has been leaning forward
all evening. Liam’s spouse Sophie (also 50 last month) sits with poise
on the opposite couch next to Claire. They’ve stopped chatting to
watch Liam unwrap the present. Sophie had gone to a lot of trouble
to choose the present. She had to after what he had gotten her for
her birthday.
Plates, bowls and empty bottles are piled on top of a round glass
table between the two couches. Liam and Sophie’s two children are
chasing each other around the room.
TOM “So, what’s in there Liam?”
LIAM “It’s a… “
He continues to unwrap it. Liam is keenly aware of all the eyes
watching and is about to remind himself to act thrilled with
whatever’s inside when he spots the writing on the box beneath the
wrapping paper.
LIAM (CON’T) “It’s a telescope“
Liam looks at Sophie in appreciation. Tom looks over at her too.
TOM (Bewildered)
“A telescope???”
SOPHIE “Well I noticed Liam reading all the
astronomy books lately and figured…”
Liam slightly embarrassed leans across the table and kisses Sophie
on the cheek.
TOM See that Claire? Take some notes. A telescope!
Sophie knows how to pick a good present.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN/BALCONY – NIGHT
Sophie and the kids are cleaning up. We see Liam sitting on a camp
chair outside on the balcony looking through the glossy white
telescope. Sophie steps outside to join him. Liam doesn’t notice.
She is visibly cold. Sophie, smiling, watches Liam for a moment
before walking over and putting her arms around him from behind.
SOPHIE “Is it good? I asked the guy in the store and-"
LIAM (Assuring her)
“It’s wonderful! Here have a look at this…”
Liam sits up excitedly. He gestures for Sophie to sit down. She sits,
pulls the chair closer to the telescope and looks through the eyepiece.
Left eye shut; she smiles, squinting at a couple of tiny white specks
on the left of a white dot.
SOPHIE “What exactly am I looking at?”
LIAM “See those four small dots?”
SOPHIE “Yes”
LIAM “Those are the moons of Jupiter”
Now more interested Sophie shifts in her seat trying to get a clearer
look.
SOPHIE “Oh my…… so that’s Jupiter”
For a moment she forgets how cold it is. Wide shot from the living
room; on the left Liam and Sophie on the balcony, to the right the
children wash dishes in the kitchen.
SOPHIE (CONT’D) “That’s incredible……”
She’s silent for a minute while she takes it in. Then a cold breeze-
SOPHIE (CONT’D) “Ok its freezing out here I’m going back inside!”
Sophie sits up abruptly. Accidentally knocking the telescope.
SLOW MOTION:
Inside one of the children drops a plate
The telescope lurches over onto one leg
A hand grasps at the dish trying to catch it
The telescope tilts back onto the other two legs
The dish spins beautifully as it slowly falls
All three legs of the telescope are back on the ground
The dish falls gracefully
Shot of the front of the telescope. The reflection of the starry
night in the viewfinder as it rotates slowly to a stop. Something
sparkles in the reflection. Silence. Hold this frame.
END SLOW MOTION
We are jarred by the harsh sound of the dish striking as it kitchen
floor. It smashes apart during the impact, pieces scattering across
the floor.
CUT TO:
EXT. BALCONY – CONTINUOUS
From the balcony we watch the family (out of focus) sweeping
up the pieces in the kitchen. They finish up and Liam begins
walking back towards the balcony. The telescope (in focus) waits
for him in the foreground of the shot. Liam steps out onto the
balcony (now into focus). Before readjusting the telescope he looks
through the eyepiece.
CUT TO:
INT. TELESCOPE EYEPIECE - CONTINUOUS
An eye looks through the eyepiece. His eye widens. A single white
dot sparkles in the reflection of his iris.
CUT TO:
LIAM’S POV – ASTEROID - CONTINUOUS
A small solitary asteroid slowly spins. Music similar to
“American Beauty” by Thomas Newman chimes in. Liam looks at
it for some time, hypnotized.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Hand frantically grabbing at pen knocking over jar, fumbling with
paper. Liam dashes back out onto the balcony and sits down at
telescope careful not to knock it this time.
CUT TO:
We watch Liam out on the balcony from inside. Jump cutting as
he takes measurements throughout the night. He notes the intensity
of the light bouncing off the asteroid and its distance to the stars around it.
Each time we cut the angle of his telescope changes as it follows the
asteroid through the night sky. The moon arcs across above in the opposite
direction - He takes off the party hat - Now he has a blanket – He’s reading
an astronomy book. The sky gets brighter as he continues to take these
readings into the early morning to work out which direction the asteroid is
heading. The jump cuts end as the asteroid finally dips below the horizon and
Liam goes to bed.
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM - EVENING
Alarm clock rings for a brief moment before a hand almost instantly slams
down turning it off.
CUT TO:
INT. TELESCOPE EYEPIECE - CONTINUOUS
An eye peers through the eyepiece of the telescope. Liam doesn’t need to
measure it. The asteroid is no longer a small dot.
CUT TO:
LIAM’S POV – ASTEROID - CONTINUOUS
Light dances across its surface as it slowly spins.
CUT TO:
EXT. BALCONY - CONTINUOUS
Liam stands out on the balcony in his dressing gown. His face is pale. The sun
sets behind him.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT/MORNING
Music similar to “Structure and Discipline” by Thomas Newman
kicks off.
Liam sits in front of the computer, hunched forward. We see the
mouse dart across the screen. Tabs open one after the other in rapid
succession. We whip across headlines and news articles about meteors
that weren’t spotted and only narrowly missed Earth. He scrolls
frantically. Fingers type viciously.
We learn about different types of asteroids. We learn that large
asteroids are spherical due to their own gravity and how surface
regolith and rotation speed indicate size. We learn about the rules for
naming asteroids and Liam scrolls through some of the asteroids beginning
with ‘S’ in the directory.
Liam begins opening the contact section of all the Near Earth Object
websites. A time-lapse shows the sky getting brighter outside the window
beside him while Liam’s screen flashes rapidly. The sun has risen.
Liam’s family are now awake and people dart around behind him.
Finally the music subsides and his screen ceases flashing. He grabs a
pen and writes down a single telephone number. Liam sits up and exits
the frame. Left on the screen is the contact details on the NASA Near
Earth Object programs website.
Thats the end of the first half. Thank you for taking the time to read my script. I would really appreciate any advice or criqitue you have. If anyone would like to read the rest because I would love feedback on the overall plot here is a Google Drive link -
https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B7LMCqmiuSscakgyZWEzUTZwSGs
