TV show Pilot: "Belsloe" - Crime, Drama - Be critical!

[Writer3]

Hi, I'm new to writing screenplays but I've written this TV show Pilot. It's basically about a fictional town called Belsloe which is riddled with crime and gang wars and such. It actually mirrors the town of Belfast in Northern Ireland and is basically a shit hole. There are probably many mistakes with punctuation, grammar and layout but I'm mostly concerned with story. I need you guys to be really nitpicky and tell me that my character need development of something. So anyway, I've put it as an attachment to this so I don't know how that works but hopefully you guys should be able to see it. It's just a PDF file.

[Laura H]

Hi and welcome to MWC.

We ask that you post a portion of your work here on the boards if you want feedback. That way, everyone can learn from the critiques and we all hone our craft together.

Here are the guidelines for the script board - http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=39962.0

And do please give feedback to a few others for each you post for yourself.

[Writer3]

Thank you for welcoming me and I certainly will give others feedback now (I was unaware that this was the etikett). Also, I am confused as to what you mean when you say.

We ask that you post a portion of your work here on the boards if you want feedback. That way, everyone can learn from the critiques and we all hone our craft together.

Do you mean that I need to put my screenplay in the post? It was much to large to fit and I thought it might be easier if people clicked on the attachment seeing as there it is in clear layout and easy to read. Again, thank you for replying.

[Laura H]

I neglected to post the guideline sticky in my first reply, which probably led to the confusion. In addition to the formatting advice, please read the rues -http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=3425.0

We ask that you post a portion of your work. In the case of the script board, there is a 1000 word limit. Members here are volunteering their time and are more likely to do so for smaller segments with less of a time commitment. The poetry and prose boards have limits, as well.

I strongly encourage you to hang out and read some of the review board posts. That way, you'll get an idea of how things work. There are stickies at the top of each board listing the rules.

Also, please take a moment to introduce yourself on our Welcome Board so we can greet you properly - http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?board=1.0

Thanks

[Writer3]

Thank you for being so helpful Laura. I apologize for my newbiness. But unfortunately in the rules it mentions that I cannot edit my post until I have posted at least fifty other posts. This means I am unable to add a portion of my work for people on the site to read. Should I just make a new post altogether?

[Chizzy]

Hi Sean,

Why do you think Belfast is a shithole? I've been a few times and loved it.

Anyway, your script. I haven't read through it all but here's what jumped out at me.

It starts very abruptly. The show starts and within a few seconds we're right at the start of a robbery. I think it's worth taking even half a minute to establish where we are.

I'd take a moment to name your criminals right at the start. All this Criminal 1, Criminal 2 etc stuff is pretty hard to follow and it makes the characters quite hard to imagine.

It's quite unusual to see f*** written down like it is here. I mean, I know you mean fuck. You know you mean fuck. Everyone reading it knows you mean fuck. You spare no one's blushes with f*** and it just looks odd, especially given how often you use it. Which brings me to another point. I know that some people speak like this, but repeating the cussing so frequently gets really dull, really quickly. Fourteen times before the opening title sequence feels like overkill to me.

Some of Joey's dialog sounded a little exact. Looking at page five, he says, "They'll be coming round the sides of the building to cut us off in minutes."

Given the situation, it sounds odd taking in anything other than very simple, direct sentences. Coming round the sides of the building. Why "of the building"? Wouldn't the other criminal know that he's talking about where they currently are? Does he need to be so specific? Same with "to cut us off in minutes." Why "in minutes"?

The criminal saying, "Calm your tits" make me chuckle.

Then Joey says, "No, no. We need a plan. Gerry you've got the assault rifle. You go down the front and suppress them while the rest of us continue filling up on cash. If you can keep them busy long enough then we can get all of the money and leave as soon as possible."

This is a huge instruction to give. Perhaps, "Gerry! You go down front and keep them busy. We'll fill the bags. Out of here in two minutes. Go!" gets similar information across with a bit more urgency?

Anyhoo, stick at it, sir. All the best.

[ChanceBentlee]

This crime and drama show is a good one, and I like watching it. I want to thank my colleagues working at จิรภพ ภูริเดช company for recommending me to watch this show. It was one of the best recommendations.