Author Topic: Can't think of a title.  (Read 2152 times)

Offline zzzgog

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Can't think of a title.
« on: June 16, 2016, 03:17:09 PM »
Hello guys, just joined this site. I recently got interested in writing poetry, and this is my first ever try. Please do not refrain from honestly criticizing it and highlighting areas where I should improve. Thanks! And also suggest a title if you wish.

Why does a man kill another?
When he is nothing but his brother?
Why does a man kill another?
When his own inevitable death fills him with fear?

It is in pursuit of his desires
Greed, Power, Money and Lust are the sires
Of his own life, filled with strife
Finding solace only in his knife

The pleasures of life are everything to him
Someone else's misery is nothing to him
Yet he is never content with what he has
What he has can always be surpassed

Of these men are those who are shunned by society
Blasted cretins, villainous murderers who kill delightfully
Who revel in the chaos they leave in their wake
And do not remember the compassion that they forsake.

Of these men are also those who are adored by society
Wonderful heroes, noble souls, champions of humanity
They sing the praises of their heroes, marveling at their piety
Knowing not, in their ignorance, the similarity
Between their heroes, and barbarity.

Offline CorneliusPoe

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Re: Can't think of a title.
« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2016, 07:49:49 AM »
Welcome zzzgog,

Please introduce yourself on the welcome board: http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?board=1.0

You'll also want to review the guidelines for this board: http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=10400.0

Showing genuine interest in the work of others and providing feedback is a sure fire way to get others to return in kind. We generally look for three critiques for every poem posted.

Best of luck and welcome,

Marc
"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Can't think of a title.
« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2016, 04:10:36 PM »
Here's a title: Drive-By
« Last Edit: June 17, 2016, 04:39:54 PM by Tom 10 »

Offline REW

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Re: Can't think of a title.
« Reply #3 on: June 21, 2016, 10:59:27 AM »
How about "The Fallen" for a title?
REW

ssilvs

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Re: Can't think of a title.
« Reply #4 on: June 21, 2016, 07:12:53 PM »
zzzgog,

Instead of having every line rhyme in the second stanza, maybe try alternating lines or making a rhyme scheme throughout the poem. That way the poem will have a better flow to it.

- Space

Offline zzzgog

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Re: Can't think of a title.
« Reply #5 on: June 22, 2016, 10:53:51 AM »
zzzgog,

Instead of having every line rhyme in the second stanza, maybe try alternating lines or making a rhyme scheme throughout the poem. That way the poem will have a better flow to it.

- Space

Yes, maybe having every line rhyme is hindering the poem. I'll revise it soon. ;)

Offline zzzgog

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Re: Can't think of a title.
« Reply #6 on: June 22, 2016, 10:55:01 AM »
Here's a title: Drive-By

I'm sorry tom 10, but what do you mean by that? I don't quite understand. ???

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Can't think of a title.
« Reply #7 on: June 22, 2016, 11:13:38 AM »
Hi zzzgog,

Glad to see you participating.  There are folks who post a poem here, then are gone, never to be heard from. 
When I posted 'drive-by', I thought that might be you, too, as you had not yet posted your introduction or become involved here.

Glad I was wrong.

Welcome to MWC.   8)

T


Offline zzzgog

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Re: Can't think of a title.
« Reply #8 on: June 22, 2016, 11:01:51 PM »
How about "The Fallen" for a title?

I actually quite like that, thanks casey!

Offline zzzgog

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Re: Can't think of a title.
« Reply #9 on: June 22, 2016, 11:03:08 PM »
Hi zzzgog,

Glad to see you participating.  There are folks who post a poem here, then are gone, never to be heard from. 
When I posted 'drive-by', I thought that might be you, too, as you had not yet posted your introduction or become involved here.

Glad I was wrong.

Welcome to MWC.   8)

T


Thanks for the welcome Tom, I understand why you might think so. So did you like the poem?

Offline CorneliusPoe

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Re: Can't think of a title.
« Reply #10 on: June 23, 2016, 08:01:25 AM »
There is an earnestness to the poem that is appealing. I read your welcome message and strongly encourage your interest and pursuit of poetry.

Speaking first to the content of poem: You pose some questions and they are great questions. I hope your earnestness sticks with you through life. In answering those questions you portray three examples of humanity capable of such an evil. If murder was confined to the sociopathic hedonist, the psychopath, and ivory-towered elitist, the world would be much better place.

Anyway, this is solid first effort. If you're serious about pursuing poetry. Read it. Read tons of it. Find poems you love and then study what it is you love about them.

Keep asking those big questions. Poetry is a great way to explore them. Just be wary of easy answers. Take small bites and be slow to judge.

Sorry to sound preachy, I'm getting older and your poem reminds me very much of the sort I wrote at your age.

BTW: this is a great place to hone your skills. I hope you find it so.

Welcome,

Marc
"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Can't think of a title.
« Reply #11 on: June 23, 2016, 09:44:10 AM »


As a first poem this is pretty good - far better than my first 10-15 poems.   

You clearly put some effort into this, and it shows.

That said, there are a couple of things.  First, poems are generally not the best vehicle for psycho-socio-political theories.  Second, poetry generally does better the more specific and detail oriented it is.  Third, end rhymes generally don't work very well if there is no cadence to the poem and poems tend to be consumed by the quest to make the next rhyme.

The lion's share of contemporary poetry is written as free-verse - meaning no end rhymes. Most beginning poets are better off learning the fundamentals of poetry and poem construction before attempting a rhyme-scheme. 

You got some great advice form CorneliusPoe / Marc.

T

Offline zzzgog

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Re: Can't think of a title.
« Reply #12 on: June 23, 2016, 01:10:08 PM »
There is an earnestness to the poem that is appealing. I read your welcome message and strongly encourage your interest and pursuit of poetry.

Speaking first to the content of poem: You pose some questions and they are great questions. I hope your earnestness sticks with you through life. In answering those questions you portray three examples of humanity capable of such an evil. If murder was confined to the sociopathic hedonist, the psychopath, and ivory-towered elitist, the world would be much better place.

Anyway, this is solid first effort. If you're serious about pursuing poetry. Read it. Read tons of it. Find poems you love and then study what it is you love about them.

Keep asking those big questions. Poetry is a great way to explore them. Just be wary of easy answers. Take small bites and be slow to judge.

Sorry to sound preachy, I'm getting older and your poem reminds me very much of the sort I wrote at your age.

BTW: this is a great place to hone your skills. I hope you find it so.

Welcome,

Marc

Thank you Marc, that is some great advice. I guess I should make reading more poetry a priority!  :P

Offline zzzgog

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Re: Can't think of a title.
« Reply #13 on: June 23, 2016, 01:12:12 PM »

As a first poem this is pretty good - far better than my first 10-15 poems.   

You clearly put some effort into this, and it shows.

That said, there are a couple of things.  First, poems are generally not the best vehicle for psycho-socio-political theories.  Second, poetry generally does better the more specific and detail oriented it is.  Third, end rhymes generally don't work very well if there is no cadence to the poem and poems tend to be consumed by the quest to make the next rhyme.

The lion's share of contemporary poetry is written as free-verse - meaning no end rhymes. Most beginning poets are better off learning the fundamentals of poetry and poem construction before attempting a rhyme-scheme. 

You got some great advice form CorneliusPoe / Marc.

T

Yeah Tom, I began to feel that having the verses rhyme restricted what I was really trying to express. I'll probably start to get more comfortable with poetry before I try a poem like this again.

Thanks for the feedback,
ZZZ

Offline duck

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Re: Can't think of a title.
« Reply #14 on: June 23, 2016, 01:29:22 PM »
Hi and welcome
I think you have got great feedback from two of the best around here. I would add that for someone starting ou in poetry it is usual to try really big themes but that on the whole they are doomed to failure. By and large the devil is in the little details that reveal a larger meaning and the poet or artis of any kind simply shines a light on that detail in such a way as to reveal something of the depth beneath it. Thus, I would avoid questions tha have no answer, especially if then the poet tacks an obvious answer onto the poem, one which makes little sense.

Mos people do not kill for any of the reason you mention and are not evil or bad people. In fact, they are more interesting than 'bad' people since bad people are bad. Duh.

Good start, now explore and explore.
Dave