Author Topic: The Girl and the Machine -light PROFANITY-(840 words)  (Read 3729 times)

Offline C-hat

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The Girl and the Machine -light PROFANITY-(840 words)
« on: June 06, 2016, 08:41:04 PM »
  FADE IN:

          EXT. EMPTY HIGHWAY - DAY

          An armored delivery truck drives by and disturbs a murder of
          crows as they eat a dead armadillo.

          In the driver's seat, RAIFE is reading a map when her CB
          radio crackles to life. Her mechanic CHARLIE is on the line.

                              CHARLIE
                    Is that you I see on my horizon,
                    little Gingie?

          Raife folds the map and puts it in the glove compartment.
          She picks up the microphone.

                              RAIFE
                    Yeah, Charlie. Wow. How did you
                    know I was coming?

                              CHARLIE
                    Oh, I've got me ways, lass. What
                    brings you by this time?

                              RAIFE
                    I've got a knocking sound in my
                    engine. Think you can fix it?

                              CHARLIE
                    Sticky piston, I'll wager. Come on
                    in, I've always got a bay open for
                    you.

          EXT. CHARLIE'S GARAGE - DAY

          Raife pulls into Charlie's gas station/garage and sees an
          armored personnel carrier in the bay. Perplexed, Raife pulls
          in front of the office, exits her vehicle, and enters
          Charlie's Office.

          INT. CHARLIE'S GARAGE OFFICE - DAY

          Raife closes the door. Charlie is sitting at his desk.

                              RAIFE
                    I thought you said you had a bay
                    open for me. There's an APC in the
                    way. What's the deal?

                              CHARLIE
                    Oh, that? That's yours. I've been
                    eager for you to see it, too. Let's
                    have a look, shall we?

          Charlie gets up from his desk, unlocks the door to the
          garage, opens it and motions for Raife to enter. Raife
          enters the garage with Charlie and he shuts the door after
          her.

          INT. CHARLIE'S GARAGE VEHICLE BAY - DAY

                              RAIFE
                    How did you afford this, Charlie?

                              CHARLIE
                    I didn't. Some bloke came around
                    about four hours ago, said you were
                    coming and that the damn thing was
                    yours.  Even paid for the repairs
                    to your lorry.

          Raife turns to Charlie.

                              RAIFE
                    Ok, why?

                              CHARLIE
                    Dunno. I was hoping you'd bring
                    some light to that, love.

                              RAIFE
                    Alright, let's have a look at it
                    then.

          Raife unlocks and drops the rear ramp to the APC. Inside is
          a GIRL a few years younger than Raife, in her underwear,
          unconscious, and confined to a straight jacket. No sooner
          does the ramp touch the ground than VOX starts speaking over
          the APC's radio.

                              VOX
                    Good evening, Miss. I can only
                    assume that you know what you're
                    looking at?

          Raife looks at Charlie.

                              CHARLIE
                    He weren't talking to me.

          Raife enters the APC and looks over the mysterious Girl
          briefly before picking up the receiver and speaking into it.

                              RAIFE
                    Yeah. It's a M113-A2 fitted with
                    slat armor, a 50 caliber turret,
                    and a teenybopper in her panties of
                    all things.

                              VOX
                    Good girl. Hate to think I'd gotten
                    the wrong gun runner.

                              RAIFE
                    Glad to be gotten. What do you
                    want?

                              VOX
                    I apologize, but before we can
                    discuss business, I'm going to have
                    to ask you to put on the earpiece.
                    It's for your own protection.

          Raife finds an earpiece taped to the radio. Raife sighs,
          turns to Charlie and puts on the earpiece.

                              RAIFE
                    Sorry, Charlie.

                              CHARLIE
                    Sounded like a right posh wanker,
                    anyway. I'll be in the office if
                    you need me.

          Charlie stretches, walks away, and enters his office,
          leaving Raife alone with the Girl and radio.

                              RAIFE
                    Alright, I've got 'em on. Who are
                    you and what do you want?

                              VOX
                    I'm your new client, Miss Loxley.
                    And I'm looking for someone who
                    knows how to transport certain
                    goods to ordinarily inaccessible
                    venues.

                              RAIFE
                    So you want me to deliver the girl.

                              VOX
                    What makes you say that?

                              RAIFE
                    You left her trussed up and locked
                    her in an APC. Seems like you wanna
                    keep her safe. Or sweaty.

                              VOX
                    I suppose it is pretty blatant. I
                    do want you to deliver the girl to
                    me. Will you do it?

                              RAIFE
                    What's in it for me?

                              VOX
                    Erin. Noelle. Loxley.

          Raife is shocked to hear the name. She stops and thinks for
          a moment.

                               RAIFE
                    Are you saying that you actually
                    have my sister? Or are you dropping
                    her name in hopes I'll work pro
                    bono?

                              VOX
                    Not necessarily either. I believe
                    that I can provide you with
                    information on her whereabouts. If
                    you can deliver the girl.

                              RAIFE
                    I don't do business based on what
                    my customers believe they can get
                    me.

                               VOX
                    Did you check your cargo? There's a
                    little something above her eyebrow
                    I think you should see.

          Raife goes to examine the Girl. She brushes the hair away
          from her eyebrow to reveal a brand scar in the shape of a
          top hat. Inside the top hat are the initials G.T.

                              RAIFE
                    The Glass Top Stable.

                              VOX
                    Your sister was a prostitute there,
                    was she not?

          Raife doesn't answer as she continues to inspect the Girl
          for more clues.

                              VOX
                    Here's the deal, you bring me the
                    Girl and you can have a dossier on
                    every woman who ever set foot
                    inside Glass Top.

                              RAIFE
                    Can I interrogate the Girl?

                              VOX
                    Of course.

                              RAIFE
                    Then I'm in.

                              VOX
                    I thought you'd see it my way.

hillwalker3000

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Re: The Girl and the Machine -light PROFANITY-(840 words)
« Reply #1 on: June 07, 2016, 04:48:06 AM »
Interesting opening scene (though the spec sheet of the armoured vehicle would normally be enough to stop me in my tracks). I don't necessarily need a technical manual - especially in a script.

The main problem is the dialogue. I don't remember hearing about armadillos living wild in the UK so I'm guessing this is set in the USA. With that in mind why does one of your two main characters speak with such a weird non-American accent?

'I've got me ways, lass' sounds more like Somerset about 100 years ago. 'Some bloke' and addressing the girl as 'love' is a combination of contemporary East London and Liverpool. 'He weren't' and 'posh wanker' could be anywhere North of Watford. So you have a guy who combines a bizarre mixture of regional English accents. It ends up sounding as authentic as Dick van Dyck's attempt to speak Cockney in Mary Poppins. And that's a standing joke.

H3K

Offline C-hat

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Re: The Girl and the Machine -light PROFANITY-(840 words)
« Reply #2 on: June 07, 2016, 11:47:00 AM »
I see your point. I made him to be Irish, but perhaps a better description of his character is in order on my end. Thanks for giving feedback so quickly, it is much appreciated!

hillwalker3000

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Re: The Girl and the Machine -light PROFANITY-(840 words)
« Reply #3 on: June 07, 2016, 12:10:48 PM »
Irish? He sounds nothing like any Irish person I've heard speaking. Maybe it's better to stick to writing dialects you are familiar with for now.

H3K

Offline heidi52

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Re: The Girl and the Machine -light PROFANITY-(840 words)
« Reply #4 on: June 07, 2016, 03:42:56 PM »
the only thing I know about scriptwriting is that it's all about the dialog. Not the screen shots or the location- those are the director's job.

The dialog wasn't believeable, I'm afraid.

Offline C-hat

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Re: The Girl and the Machine -light PROFANITY-(840 words)
« Reply #5 on: June 07, 2016, 05:31:13 PM »
the only thing I know about scriptwriting is that it's all about the dialog. Not the screen shots or the location- those are the director's job.

The dialog wasn't believeable, I'm afraid.

This is a script I had to turn into a film for screenwriting classes, so I apologize for the extra directions. It didn't even cross my mind to take those out, but I will in the future. As far as the dialogue, can you elaborate on what made them unbelievable, and any suggestions to better it?

Offline heidi52

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Re: The Girl and the Machine -light PROFANITY-(840 words)
« Reply #6 on: June 07, 2016, 06:10:17 PM »
just as an example

  Raife unlocks and drops the rear ramp to the APC. Inside is
          a GIRL a few years younger than Raife, in her underwear,
          unconscious, and confined to a straight jacket. No sooner
          does the ramp touch the ground than VOX starts speaking over
          the APC's radio.

                              VOX
                    Good evening, Miss. I can only
                    assume that you know what you're
                    looking at?  <the previous introduces a girl in her undies, and you'd think that would at least pique her interest and be what she is looking at. But it's not, as we find out after a while

          Raife looks at Charlie. <why would she look at him, did his mouth move? Has she never encountered a radio?

                              CHARLIE
                    He weren't talking to me. <is this supposed to be color? or just to give him a line?

          Raife enters the APC and looks over the mysterious Girl
          briefly before picking up the receiver and speaking into it. <OK so we're looking at the girl again, but wait...

                              RAIFE
                    Yeah. It's a M113-A2 fitted with
                    slat armor, a 50 caliber turret, < Ah not the girl in her undies, instead MC's looking at the technology. Really?
                    and a teenybopper in her panties of <here she is as an afterthought and teenybopper? has anyone used that expression in 30 years?
                    all things.

I could go on. "Glad to be gotten." made me groan. If that was your intent, great. If not I think you need to make them speak like real people.

Just my opinion and keep in mind what I don't know about script writing could fill books.  ;)

Welcome to the circle and keep writing.
« Last Edit: June 07, 2016, 06:12:04 PM by heidi52 »

Offline C-hat

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Re: The Girl and the Machine -light PROFANITY-(840 words)
« Reply #7 on: June 07, 2016, 07:31:17 PM »
Irish? He sounds nothing like any Irish person I've heard speaking. Maybe it's better to stick to writing dialects you are familiar with for now.

H3K

I agree, Charlie isn't very authentic. Frankly, I had to settle with conveying that the character wasn't American to Americans. Who more than likely wouldn't understand the dialect if I intentionally "misspelled" the words to demonstrate its proper pronunciation.  So I resorted to using stereotypical jargon to complete the task.

It was either that or put in "Irish Accent" as a parenthetical. The sad thing is, Charlie isn't even a main character. This is only the chunk of story I could fit in here.

Offline C-hat

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Re: The Girl and the Machine -light PROFANITY-(840 words)
« Reply #8 on: June 07, 2016, 10:01:41 PM »
You're my new best friend.

There's a lot of unexplained subtext here, which I appreciate you pointing out. Raife is a Arms Dealer, and has been doing it for many years, which I don't convey at all other than this particular scene.  Keep in mind this is the first 2 pages of a 25 page story, I think.

Arms Dealers don't get freebies. In fact, if what you're doing isn't exactly legal, you tend to be suspicious of someone suddenly giving you free military equipment with a girl in her underwear inside. Sounds like a bribe. Or a trap. Either way, you're starting with less knowledge than whomever gave it to you. The trick is to get information from them ASAP.  That's where Raife's head is at when she enters the garage.

But then the voice says her name. Her true name. Arms Dealers don't use their real names. False IDs, Passports, VISA's, and End-User Certificates are standard if you're selling arms illegally and plan on evading capture at the border. She's looking at Charlie in disbelief and now wondering who this person is and how do they know her name. Charlie doesn't know anything about it so he redirects her to the radio. Gameplan's the same, though. Get all the information you can from this contact.

The voice tests her to see if she's legit. You spend money on transporting a prisoner to a target to deliver, however far, you want to make sure you got the right person and make sure they're qualified. Raife passes the test by listing her knowledge and quickly brings the subject back to what do you want from me? Assuming the girl is a bribe, of course.

She's using farcical words to display her disinterest in the voice's theatrics. "Teenybopper" is used in jest. I mean what could she do with a teenager? Its would be like if you went to Amazon and ordered a trumpet and they gave you a shoe horn instead. The phrase, "Glad to be gotten" is used to sarcastically to steer the subject back to the topic at hand: "Who are you and what do you want from me?" It could be replaced with, "I don't care, just tell me what you want." I don't want this character to beg for illicit arms dealer-y reasons, so she feigns disinterest in order to get him to talk more.

hillwalker3000

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Re: The Girl and the Machine -light PROFANITY-(840 words)
« Reply #9 on: June 08, 2016, 06:05:04 AM »
I agree, Charlie isn't very authentic. Frankly, I had to settle with conveying that the character wasn't American to Americans. . . . So I resorted to using stereotypical jargon to complete the task.
It was either that or put in "Irish Accent" as a parenthetical. The sad thing is, Charlie isn't even a main character.

If he's a minor character does it matter that he doesn't sound American? Why introduce the complication of "Irish Accent" when he obviously doesn't use the language associated with Irish? There are so many variations of Irish accent that it's rather meaningless anyway.
Bits of 'stereotypical jargon' can't be cut and pasted to form realistic dialogue - these little phrases you have taken out of context make the guy unbelievable.
I could try the same method you're advocating to give someone an "American Accent" and they might speak as follows:

'Yo, homies. Like, oh my God. How y'all doin'?'

Is that how an American would speak?

H3K