Author Topic: Burnout  (Read 1015 times)

Offline AntonioM

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Burnout
« on: May 24, 2016, 01:51:02 AM »
If you dance wild,
I'll wilder--
line up some fellers
next to some others
and watch my soul
wrestle your demons
into Calypso's night,
you've held me here
all these years,
to drum the circles
of your heady design.
we meet,
they and me,
burning circles at
our flaring hemns
til I can't see you
 through the flames.

Stay,
  the fires
at my feet

 

« Last Edit: May 24, 2016, 10:27:30 PM by AntonioM »
ARM

Offline daisydarlin

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Re: Burnout
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2016, 02:57:50 AM »
Hi!

I really love this piece, what an incredible voice!

The only portion that seems to stick out is:
"line up some fellers
next to some others"
It seems to take away from the rhythm of the rest of the poem. I think expressing the same thought but with words that don't rhyme would make it flow easier.
(Ex: "line up some fellers
next to some more)

I adore the ending of the piece and how you separate it from the rest! :)

Offline duck

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Re: Burnout
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2016, 03:40:20 AM »
Hi Antonio
I think if you accept that it seems to have been quickly thrown together - poor punctuation, not entirely convincing line endings, misprints (hemns) words made up (I'll wilder) and unclear pronouns (we meet, they and me (whose they in this context - it's pretty impossible to know) and some mumbo jumbo about souls and demons, this is still an interesting read being as it exists in a world of its own making.
Dave

Offline Mark T

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Re: Burnout
« Reply #3 on: May 27, 2016, 04:10:16 AM »

Agreeing with Dave here except for the made-up word, I like that. The poem does carry itself near the edge.

Offline CorneliusPoe

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Re: Burnout
« Reply #4 on: May 27, 2016, 08:40:43 AM »
Adding a third to Mark and Dave. That said you could fix those issues in seconds. I was carried right passed them by the poem in my first read and only spotted them when playing critic. I don't think the title does the poem justice. That's likely the fault of connotations that have nothing to do with it, but otherwise it's a pleasure to read.

"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Burnout
« Reply #5 on: May 28, 2016, 12:53:09 PM »
Hi Antonio-

I love the first two lines - "I'll wilder. . . " makes the opening and sets the tone.  I also love the closing lines - wonderfully touching.  The parts in between lose me - especially when souls are wrestling demons.  I think I catch up again during the flames. ;D

As usual, you exhibit a unique and creative pen (keyboard?).

T