Author Topic: Donít Be Here  (Read 1085 times)

Offline Tom 10

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Donít Be Here
« on: May 28, 2016, 12:08:59 PM »

           Donít Be Here

Perhaps it happens like this  Ė the air just
thins.  The animals don suits, vests, colored
cravats or cummerbunds, controlled maybe
by a slide switch, they fade to visible,
talk in hushed tones Ė  the fox and the monkey.
I strain to hear them jostling about.
My buzz grows vibrant, engulfing. Clever
jokes and repartee exchange, I smile more.
I need to get back.  The water is rich,
warm and splashy in the deep end, the lion
and bear cub want my attention, their fur
feels warm, compelling.   I can hear your bid
but nothing of the words.  Everything now 
happens on my side of glowing eyelids.

Offline matty11

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Re: Donít Be Here
« Reply #1 on: May 29, 2016, 05:18:59 AM »
hi Tom
         The surface of the poem definitely grabs my attention. The combination of formality and animal natures, becoming visible in the thinning air, also hooks me. Reconciling the paradox of fade/visible didn't click, but I liked the mechanics of switch. Not real behaviour, automata for the occasion. The tensions - the competing attentions - the superficiality of social gathering wit and the increasing strained smile pretence - the need to escape - the compulsion - the disturbing introversion of glowing eyelids - all drew me in. In summary my feeling was a disconnect between the outside and inner a trip.

On the crit. suggestions - you many want to consider the alliterative logjam of colored
cravats or cummerbunds, controlled

hope that helps some