Author Topic: The Life of a Pencil  (Read 1259 times)

Offline _annashouv

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The Life of a Pencil
« on: February 26, 2016, 12:35:39 PM »
Anna Shouvlin
Mrs. Lee
Creative Writing
February 23, 2016
   
               The Life of a Pencil

   I began my life in the luscious expanses of the rainforest. I was then cut down and sent somewhere in the great country of America. I was turned into something skinny and yellow. I had very many brothers, we all got cute up and separated but some of us stayed together. Most of my brothers and sisters are in the same package, and we're all very close to each other in a package. On August 10th someone came into Target and bought me and all of my siblings. The girl who bought us was name Carrie, and she was starting her very first day of high school on August 24th.

   On August 24th I woke up around 6 a.m. I was put into Carrie's pencil pouch, and then her pencil pouch was placed into her cute Vera Bradley book bag. I arrived to school with Carrie at around 7:20a.m., and then I went into Carrie's locker. Carrie had a hard time opening her locker, since her middle school, Rockway, didn't have real locks on their lockers. Once Carrie got her books into her locker, and got all the stuff she needed for first period we went on our way into Mrs. Allan's room. Her first class of the day that year was biology. One of Carrie's weaknesses was science so she was very worried about biology being her first class of the day. I knew I was going to have to be there for Carrie when she was struggling with Biology. I was ready for the challenge.
   
Carrie used me every day. I think I was her favorite. I would still get to see my siblings when she wasn't using me to write down her assignment, or when she needed to use a pen. I would get sharpened every couple of days or so depending on how often she was writing. I loved when I would get sharpened because I felt so sharp and brand new. But even though I felt sharp I could feel myself becoming shorter and shorter… Carrie would take me to every class including Biology, Choir (my favorite), Spanish I, Social Studies, English, Math 9, and Guided Study.

   Carrie became one of my best friends because of all the time we spent together. Although Carrie and I were best friends in my eyes, I could tell that she saw me differently than I saw her. One day I could tell that things were different. It was first period, and I could hear Mrs. Allen talking but I wasn't being used? It was the weirdest thing. It was October and I had become extremely small, there wasn't much left of me. My eraser had become close to nonexistent. There wasn't much left of me.

   Christmas break came and I hadn't been taken out of Carrie's Vera Bradley pencil pouch since October. I noticed that my brother Tom would be taken out of the pouch now instead of me. I was so sad; I felt like I lost my best friend and she didn't even care. I had to realize that although Carrie was everything to me, I was just a pencil to her. The life of a pencil is very hard, and I had to become wise before I was able to cope with losing a friend. I was thrown away at the end of the school year. My life took a turn for the better though, I was recycled and turned into a desk. The Ohio State University was where I started my life as a desk, and that's also where Carrie began her freshman year of college. Once again I started each Monday and Wednesday with Carrie, in her molecular biology class. Things were as they should be, just like old times.

Modified to add white space between paragraphs for easier reading online.
« Last Edit: February 26, 2016, 06:36:50 PM by Artemis Quark »

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: The Life of a Pencil
« Reply #1 on: February 26, 2016, 04:18:03 PM »
Hello annashouv,

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Offline lonnielong

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Re: The Life of a Pencil
« Reply #2 on: February 26, 2016, 05:55:04 PM »
You write well enough, though there were a few grammatical things, and you were a bit redundant when trying to drive a point home.
Also, I don't feel that it's necessary to mention the name of the store or the brand of the handbag if it's not pertinent to the story.


I liked the concept, though I feel it is a bit derivative--perhaps unintentionally. Reminds me a lot of both Toy Story 2 and 3. Maybe that's just me, though.
But I think that, with a few changes, this could be a pretty decent piece.

Lin

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Re: The Life of a Pencil
« Reply #3 on: March 01, 2016, 08:46:44 AM »
Allow me to make a few points based on your example

   I began my life in the luscious expanses of the rainforest. I was then cut down and sent somewhere in the great country of America. I was turned into something skinny and yellow. I had very many brothers, we all got cute up and separated but some of us stayed together. Most of my brothers and sisters are in the same package, and we're all very close to each other in a package. On August 10th someone came into Target and bought me and all of my siblings. The girl who bought us was name Carrie, and she was starting her very first day of high school on August 24th.


I feel you could do with changing the errors in this to make the whole paragraph and the rest of the story into something more interesting.

I highlighted in red what I thought you might like to change. Tighten this up! Dont repeat key words find alternatives.

Try not to use the 'was' word.  Make the whole sentence stronger by writing something like this:

I began life in a rainforest somewhere in South America.  -



If felt the whole beginning was like a list of things you had done.  You must make your writing flow.