Author Topic: Inured  (Read 1299 times)

Offline Irresistible puddle

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Inured
« on: February 20, 2016, 03:12:58 AM »
Hi everyone, a second voice would be nice.

my wheel no longer turns - afraid
to catch the falling rain
a brilliant storm - she made
a bolt - then rust - then fear

certain - what i heard
i press it - down again
desperate - but inured
to hear a lullaby

so sick - for i know
it will stop my cries -
that string below
plays only notes of lies

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Inured
« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2016, 09:18:30 AM »
HI IP -- not sure if I quite get the story/metaphor here possibly because I'm a mechanical dunce and can't put the wheel in context with the string.. Also I can't place 'she'. :-\

Offline REW

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Re: Inured
« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2016, 03:41:42 PM »
Hmmm...I don't entirely get the metaphor either.  I thought I did in the first stanza, but then it seemed that the wheel is a different type of wheel as in for a music box.  Now I am thinking that the wheel is the narrator's mind and the narrator is replaying a recording of a voice belonging to someone who has inflicted pain.

I am intrigued...I suggest revisiting and.reworking for clarity of the metaphor.
REW

Offline Irresistible puddle

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Re: Inured
« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2016, 02:21:21 PM »
Well its talking about losing poetic inspiration and chasing joy in the wrong way, but I think the illegibility is because of me, and not you.
also I don't think you're a mechanical dunce 510 :)

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Inured
« Reply #4 on: February 23, 2016, 09:53:43 AM »
Could possibly be retrieved if you changed the title and a little tweak.

My Wheel No Longer Turns

I became afraid
to catch the falling rain
a brilliant storm - she made
a bolt - then rust - then fear

certain - what i heard
i press it - down again
desperate - but inured
to hear a lullaby

so sick - for i know
it will stop my cries -
that string below
plays only notes of lies

Offline Irresistible puddle

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Re: Inured
« Reply #5 on: February 24, 2016, 03:13:13 AM »
Thanks 510. I cant really justify my aversion to never using a more constructive title so maybe I should start.

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Inured
« Reply #6 on: February 24, 2016, 09:03:57 AM »
I like Sio's edit - I can see so much more in the poem now, and yes, the title didn't help. :)

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Inured
« Reply #7 on: February 27, 2016, 12:46:32 PM »
Hi again,
Hope you don't mind my fiddle.  This may not be the direction you want to go, so ignore this if you like.

my wheel no longer turns

a brilliant storm she made
a bolt - then rust - then fear
to catch the falling rain.

certain - what i heard
i press it - down again
desperate - so inured
to the sound of lullabies

so sick - for i know
it will stop my cries -
that string below
plays only notes of lies
« Last Edit: February 28, 2016, 01:45:49 PM by Tom 10 »

Offline Irresistible puddle

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Re: Inured
« Reply #8 on: February 28, 2016, 03:35:28 AM »
hmm I do like your edit Tom but I cannot understand why you changed she to he? I figured the reader would understand this hopefully to be a "muse"?

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Inured
« Reply #9 on: February 28, 2016, 07:20:39 AM »
I'm sorry that was a typo.  :-\

Now fixed.   :-[
« Last Edit: February 28, 2016, 01:46:08 PM by Tom 10 »

Offline Lon Palmer

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Re: Inured
« Reply #10 on: February 28, 2016, 01:36:41 PM »
Sonically nice, but I can't quite wrap my head around this one.