Author Topic: Phantom  (Read 936 times)

Offline Tom 10

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Phantom
« on: February 10, 2016, 06:32:04 PM »



   Phantom

I never seem to see
what could glide in on wings
out-shadowing in the distance
the three-propellered giants
slowly cartwheeling in place
like daisy girls at the wind farm.
A guy can wonder only so long
before itís time to move on.




Offline Mark T

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Re: Phantom
« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2016, 12:33:54 AM »

Morning T - we have a lot of those same wind turbines around here and 'cartwheeling in place' is an excellent description although the line initially made me think of an old Junkers tri-motor airplane - I know, but it's early here.
I wonder what it is that could come gliding in and overshadow such monstrous structures. Perhaps it is nothing specific to the N but rather whatever each reader fears most, like Room 101 in 1984. Like an alien invasion or martial law or the former faked as a pretext for the latter, for example. 
The ending is gently ambiguous, it could be time to move on physically or mentally.
It's another good poem. The four lines in the center appeal most. To my ear, there's almost a monosyllabic word missing from the first line.   

Offline duck

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Re: Phantom
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2016, 06:16:14 AM »
Hi Tom
This is one of those poems that I love for being based around something not there. It starts with I never seem to see which is a startling abesence that propells itself throughout the poem. It is carried literally through 'could' and glide and wings and comes to 'wonder' that gentle word for pondering but also miracle. There is some foreboding in out-shadowing but it is relatively mild and a sense both awe and fear in giants. At the centre of the images though is an innocence - daisy girls.
I love for the poem for this mix of existent and absent, imagination and reality and movement and stasis.
Nice work

Offline CorneliusPoe

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Re: Phantom
« Reply #3 on: February 11, 2016, 07:21:38 AM »
I can add little to Dave's comments other than I love the last lines. There's a matter-of-fact pragmatism that never dips into resignation. Hard to articulate, but it's an acceptance of what is and what is unreachable without any sense of defeat.  Cool stuff, love the subject and the tone.
"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery

Offline kateD

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Re: Phantom
« Reply #4 on: February 11, 2016, 08:05:25 AM »
Agree with Dave. This is an interesting poem for making the reader think about what isn't there. Quite a trick. While there probably isn't an office building nearby, the sense I get is of a worker staring out the window from his desk and daydreaming. Then, time to get back to the screen.... Nice job T.

K

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Phantom
« Reply #5 on: February 11, 2016, 09:54:57 AM »
Mark - I appreciate your thoughtful appraisal.  Thank you much.  But I am more curious about room 101 in 1984 - calculus class?  the girls' locker room? the discipline room at juvie hall?   ::) ::)

Dave - have you ever looked at something that commands your attention and have the feeling that something else is happening, or did happen or will happen, or whatever - something is or could be missed.  And you wonder because there seems to be something defined that justifies wondering about, and then it doesn't go any further.  That's what I tried to write about and you got it better than I could express in the poem.  thank you.

CP - as always I appreciate the close reading and honest comments.

Kate - you have a grasp of this, the wondering while staring, and then moving on.

Thanks for the FB
 :)
T

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Phantom
« Reply #6 on: February 11, 2016, 11:17:02 AM »
Just an example of how my mind's eye works - at times anyway:

I never seem to see
what could glide in on wings
out-shadowing in the distance

The first three lines brought "dragons" to mind. It seems they are rarely far from my imagination.


the three-propellered giants
slowly cartwheeling in place

The next two, brought helicopters to mind, partly because I had just read something Gyppo had written about them. As I was trying to remember if there was any with three blades, I read the next lines. 


like daisy girls at the wind farm.
A guy can wonder only so long
before itís time to move on.

Here my mind jumped from the old fashion windmills, another favorite of mine, then a vision of Jody Foster in the movie Contact flashed into being, the scene where she was standing away from everything else in the middle of a wind farm.

That's when I read it a couple of times more over before I dared saying anything. Needed to get the other images out of my head.

Even with all my wayward thinking, I like it Tom. Even if I was a tiny bit let down it wasn't dragons soaring/gliding in the the distance in the first line.  ;)
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Offline Lon Palmer

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Re: Phantom
« Reply #7 on: February 11, 2016, 04:53:56 PM »
Nice mood. A little slice of life. Cool and sonically smooth. But . . .


   Phantom

I never seem to see
what could glide in on wings
out-shadowing in the distance
the three-propellered giants              This opening puzzles me. Are you saying that you never see something with bigger propellers glide in (or some such)? Something about this eludes me somehow
slowly cartwheeling in place
like daisy girls at the wind farm.        This metaphor feels a bit off the mark somehow.
A guy can wonder only so long
before itís time to move on.               [color]fun ending[/color]



Offline Tom 10

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Re: Phantom
« Reply #8 on: February 11, 2016, 06:12:06 PM »
Love your thoughts about this Alice - yes, they might be dragons! 
And yes, the new mega-wind mills may suggest the old fashioned ones, as they do daisy girls, or that could be the intermediate step.
I love your Jody Foster image.   :)

Lon - good to hear from you again.  The opening tries to say that the N. is not seeing what may be there, or may have been there, because attention is drawn elsewhere.

Love the feedback.

Thanks.
 :)
T

Offline matty11

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Re: Phantom
« Reply #9 on: February 13, 2016, 12:57:07 AM »
Love the tone of those concluding lines. May need to consider the amount of 'in' used for such a succinct write?

best

matty