« previous next »
Pages: [1]

Author Topic: St*ck - Language  (Read 1947 times)

Offline Wexforddellers

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 63
St*ck - Language
« on: January 20, 2016, 05:31:00 PM »
I can’t type the letter I want to.
My words are whetted
by a savagery that can slice
open the screen except
my keyboard is broken.
A vital key keeps sticking
as if the letter is
lodged in my abdomen
preventing my hara-kiri.
I’ve tried and failed
to find a way,
inventive and conniving
of what I want to say,
things like—
remember the time
we stole oranges
off the market stall
on Moore street,
or took a traffic cone
for a late night walk, or
giggled in relish when
the man lost his shorts
to the sea—
so I bought a new computer
but could only manage
fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
« Last Edit: January 21, 2016, 02:38:33 PM by JewelAS53 »
Logged

Offline Tom 10

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8846
Re: St*ck
« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2016, 05:35:18 PM »
Great stuff!  I especially enjoyed the details of L.16 - 24.

And I like the immediacy.  But I think you should consider changing the narrative about the old keyboard to past tense.  See how that looks to you.

Nice post.

T
« Last Edit: January 20, 2016, 05:37:34 PM by Tom 10 »
Logged

Offline Wexforddellers

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 63
Re: St*ck
« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2016, 05:38:33 PM »
I wo*ld b*t a certain letters on *y keyboard don't work,if yo* get *y drift.

Thanks for the read  8)
Logged

Offline 510bhan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 63305
  • So many jobs to do . . .
Re: St*ck
« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2016, 05:50:00 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Sorry to laugh when you're in pain -- hey at least it's sort of working. Thoroughly enjoyed this.
Logged

Offline Wexforddellers

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 63
Re: St*ck
« Reply #4 on: January 20, 2016, 05:55:41 PM »
It wasn't *eant to be f*nny  :( b*t hey I'll take it  8) and a new laptop
Now back to the drawing board.

Thanks for the read and co**ents  :)
Logged

Offline 510bhan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 63305
  • So many jobs to do . . .
Re: St*ck
« Reply #5 on: January 20, 2016, 05:57:24 PM »
I have a warped sense of humour and an evil streak. >:D
um um um um um um um um um um um um bum :P
Logged

Offline Wexforddellers

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 63
Re: St*ck
« Reply #6 on: January 20, 2016, 06:00:16 PM »
hahhahah  ;D ;D ;D
very good
can yo* tell *e what's *aking it f*nny so I can fix it ???

Logged

Offline 510bhan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 63305
  • So many jobs to do . . .
Re: St*ck
« Reply #7 on: January 20, 2016, 06:19:30 PM »
No it's not really 'funny', I have had similar problems so I can understand your frustration. I really like it. :)
Logged

Offline Wexforddellers

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 63
Re: St*ck
« Reply #8 on: January 20, 2016, 06:30:08 PM »
 ;D Thanks!  ;)
Logged

Offline midnight candle

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3750
  • just checking in
Re: St*ck
« Reply #9 on: January 20, 2016, 06:50:24 PM »
Nothing to add. We've all been there - sometime, somewhere. Love the second half of the poem - the childishness of N's memories juxtaposed by the ensuing pain. Now it takes me back, but I'll see ((that's my secret) and remember her in the good times  :'( :-*.
Logged

Offline Wexforddellers

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 63
Re: St*ck
« Reply #10 on: January 20, 2016, 06:59:59 PM »
Thanks  :)
Logged

Offline duck

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2921
  • The best laid plans of mice and men turn to ...
Re: St*ck
« Reply #11 on: January 21, 2016, 12:57:10 AM »
It is made funny by two things IMO: one is the choice of words such as conniving, which are odd in the context but add a lot and becuase you take such a mundane, nothing problem and exaggerate it. People with real problems would simply say get a life.
I enjoyed it but more especially the second half.
Dave
Logged

Offline Wexforddellers

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 63
Re: St*ck
« Reply #12 on: January 21, 2016, 06:14:18 AM »
Thanks Duck!  ;)
Logged

Offline bettibeetle

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 5
Re: St*ck - Language
« Reply #13 on: January 29, 2016, 05:04:20 PM »
Loved it.
Logged

Offline drab

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3891
Re: St*ck - Language
« Reply #14 on: February 04, 2016, 09:51:52 PM »
Thumbs up from me Wex.
Moore St. only being about 7 miles from me hasn't influenced my digits :)
Excellent writing
Regards
Logged
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.
Pages: [1]
« previous next »