Author Topic: A simple poem, to start with  (Read 773 times)

Offline yoon

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A simple poem, to start with
« on: January 19, 2016, 03:29:40 AM »
I am wondering how bad or how good my poems are.  It could be teenage drama right away, but it might be nice also, I have no idea. This is not my best poem, but it is my most recent one. English is not my native language, so sorry if there are mistakes in the language, lets say that's poetic freedom.

Lumbering limbs I have
For one lady's grace
To not forfeit hers hand

For thee, my avidity,
is shedded blood not a blot,
for that thy blood is blue as beryl
and as worthy as worriers wounds
who fought brave for this bounds

Compete will I, against fears
As thieves we clash,
 the endeavor to embezzle what is wanted most,
for those who desire the bent of thy blood,
or for me whose desire is the barrel of thy blood

also I would like to know if the meaning, like um the moral is clear

A man or boy who is in love with a woman, but a lot of other men are too.  She has blue blood, back in the days that meant that she was royal, so she was rich. And that the plot of the poem is, that the I-person loves her for her heart, and the rest for her fortune.

thanks for reading :)

Offline Desiderio Paz

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Re: A simple poem, to start with
« Reply #1 on: January 19, 2016, 12:18:01 PM »
I'm having some trouble with this one. Obviously from the language and subject this is meant to be written in a style from maybe the 1300's to 1500's. Many movies that retell old stories add modern language and music for a reason. It's more appealing to living ears. For a poem, it's also more of an artistic challenge. People dead for centuries have already done this better. For us to appreciate it now, it has to be new, as in different from what we've seen before. I'll also add that if it was to work as a period piece it would need much more structure.

So, rewrite it using modern language, themes, and settings. Strongly rely on your personal observations and emotions. For boy loves girl to have a chance of working it has to have a perception that we accept as genuine. You find that in a place much deeper than superficial emotions. Write more than you need. Find a good story in those words. Cut what doesn't contribute to that story. Then re-write to make it a good poem.

Offline duck

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Re: A simple poem, to start with
« Reply #2 on: January 19, 2016, 12:38:44 PM »
I am sorry but you really< need to pay serious attention to the syntax and grammar, whether trying for ancient language syle or not.
'To not forfeit hers (her) hand' - makes no sense
'is shredded blood not a blot ' is yodo-speak
'worriers (worrier's or worriers' depending on how many worriers) wounds'
'fought brave' (fought bravely)
'this bounds' (these bounds)
'compete will I, aganist fears ' (I will compete against fears - makes sense and requires no comma)

Please start with something truly simpler and modern as suggested by Disidero