I don't usually critique scripts, and I'm not a scriptwriter, just a fan of film, so take my advice with a grain of salt. You caught my attention because I loved Requiem for a Dream. Ellen Burstyn was brilliant. Actually, the whole cast did an excellent job.
INT. DELAPADATED
dilapidated APARTMENT - NIGHT
Daniel is on the phone, sitting on a tattered couch. He is surrounded by trash and filth. In his hand is a credit card.
DANIEL CROWE
..3256. Thank you... Great... See you at nine. Bye...
He stands and walks to his room.
Inside are empty boxes which he grabs and begins to place folded clothes in.
CUT TO:
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - MORNING
Daniel waits outside of his apartment. All around him are boxes.
Moments later, a rusted van pulls up. Daniel opens the rear and begins to place his boxes inside.
CUT TO:
INT. DINER - DAY
In the above two scenes, it doesn't seem like enough happens. Maybe you could add more action that is revealing of the plot or character. So far, there's not a lot of conflict apparent. For this type of story, I think there's a heavy sense of death and while you have the funeral, there's not much else to latch onto here. Maybe the character could look at his track marks early on or give us some clue as to what his current state is. The phone call doesn't seem to have a purpose here either, because you don't clue us in on why he has his credit card out. Unless you're just showing that the phone is working for the scene later on, or to set up for the scene in the diner, but it doesn't really make sense to me because why would he have his credit card out beforehand? Maybe I'm missing something here. What do the numbers represent? Maybe he calls up his drug dealer?
Oh save me the philosophical bullshit
comma Quentin. My mother taught me to believe in God, so I do. Now what I’m not
going to do is jam doing is jamming my beliefs down your throat..
Use or lose. My tweak seemed more natural to my ear, but it may not to yours, so.QUENTIN TAVERS
You just fucking did!
The hypocrisy is brimming! Do people say actually say this? I would think he'd say something more along the lines of: You're full of shit. It’s better than where I was before, can we just go?
I missed this detail during the first read through. Nice touch. I imagined that he was in a flophouse or a cheap hotel room or something.
QUENTIN TAVERS (CONT’D)
Got it last week. Better than before..
I'm not quite sure I get this. What's in the vaporizer pen? Tobacco liquid? Pot?Hesitation, then Daniel takes a drag.
QUENTIN TAVERS (CONT’D)
Ninety a gram, cause we’re friends.
Pot isn't this expensive, unless you're not talking about American dollars, so I imagine he's vaporizing something harderDaniel takes a look at the duo infront of him. Wrinkled skin, and cold sores but still flashing welcoming smiles.
CUT TO:
INT. CABIN - DAY
Daniel sits on an ugly upholstered couch with a needle in his arm. His pupils dilate and he slinks into his seat.
This was a major nitpick for me in Requiem for a Dream. I assumed that the characters were meant to be on heroin, not cocaine. Heroin makes the eyes reticulate, not dilate. Cocaine makes eyes dilate. So the movie was not accurate there. It's just a nitpick, I know, but anyone who's ever used drugs will pick up on this.
I would keep the dialogue between Mom and Daniel short and sweet. Leave us with a bit of mystery. Maybe she says a few words, Daniel recognizes her voice and then she's gone. So he can't be sure if it was her or not. Also, I was a bit confused by the "Put a quarter in the jar". Why would he need a quarter for a rotary phone? Don't let it drag on too long, or you'll lose the sense of mystery. It's also apt to turn cheesy. That's all my opinion, so use or lose. Hope this helps..
In the conversation between your MC and the other men, I think you missed a good opportunity to show a bit more about the late mother's character and her relationship with her son. I also think Daniel could be fleshed out a bit more. Requiem for a Dream is a tragedy. Is that what you hope to accomplish with your piece? In order for the tragic feel to work, we need to see some sort of desire or dreams from Daniel early on, so that when he uses drugs, it's tragic because we had hoped for something better, something more. What made Requiem for a Dream so tragic was all the love and expectation. The mother's need for her son's love and time. A beautiful young couple, in love. And it all goes to hell over drugs, so when it does, we feel for them because we wanted good things for them, we wanted them to be happy. Does that make sense? I loved the scene where they're trying to kick the habit. It was really realistic. A person coming off drugs is going to feel unanimated, lifeless and desperate. You could play on this aspect more, I think. There's also ways that you could incorporate some sense of loss in Daniel's life. You could also use details to clue us into the fact htat he's staying at his mother's, which could trigger memories for him. What has he given up, sacrificed for his drug addiction? I'll quit rambling, anyway, so use or lose.
