Author Topic: Guy who chased purse snatcher - W4M (Part II the conclusion) W/C 801  (Read 2936 times)

Offline PencilPop

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(Contíd) (V.O.) Lo and behold, he then started running towards you and yelling incoherently.

Robber runs and yells incoherently.

(V.O) You had paused by this point and remained in place, doing a few shadow kicks and punches to dissuade him as much as you could.

Guy readyís himself for a fight.

(V.O) And finally, the moment I was waiting for; the conclusion.

(V.O) With him running toward you, you maneuvered yourself
to execute a roundhouse kick, which if executed perfectly,
You would have kicked his head off completely.

(V.O) Trust me. I am from Cleveland and thatís how it works

(V.O) As the moment of impact neared, I was hoping you would try to kick his head toward me. And then use that as an opening to ask for my number...
So I kept close watch believe you me.

Chrissy keeps close watch.

(V.O simultaneously) íSuck on this criminal!í You said, when twisting and readying your body to take him out.

(Simultaneously with V.O) Suck on this this criminal.

(V.O) But unfortunately your foot hit a parking meter and he was able to just beat the shit out of you since he had the upper hand on the first move. Guyís foot kicks parking meter.

(V.O) He literally just kicked your ass, then for some reason took your pants off as a form of psychological punishment.

Guy is wearing baggy pants that hipsters like to wear and therefore, were easy for the robber to remove from the guy since he kept offering up his legs as a defense while on his back.

(V.O.)You laid there in just a white button down and underpants and cried until the police showed up and someone gave you tea.

The guy pleads his case the police. The older woman whose purse was stolen gave the guy tea. Someone else gave him a blanket.

But I think itís cool that you at least tried to do something. And for that you get a date with me.



(V.O) My name is Chrissy.

Cat rubs-up on Chrissy.

I have a cat, some ambiguous loan debt, and I drive Kia.


(Daydream sequence) Chrissy and "the guy" sit in Kia conversing and eating sushi in the front seat.

(V.O) Letís get some sushi and talk about society together.

Hope to hear from you...



So, here I am, almost a month later, wondering if Iíll ever see this guy again.

The waitress is amused but is summoned back to work.

Wow. Thatís unbelievable. Well, I hope you find your superman.

The waitress hurries back to work.

Chrissy, hangs on her words for a moment, and then takes a huge bite of her biscotti and then another. And at that very moment, as she looks out the window, the [guy]óthe guy she is looking for is getting off a bus.

She jumps up from the table and frantically rushes out the door. As she struggle to put her coat on, she tries to yell at the guy with a mouth full of biscotti.



mmm, mmm!

She swallows as fast as she can but, the guy canít hear a mumbling girl across the street so he continue on his way.

Oh my god, wait!

Parked cars and traffic obstruct her view as she tries to keep up.

Hey, Wait!

Chrissy stops at the corner and waits for traffic to pass before she can walk across the street.

But, suddenly out of nowhere, the purse snatcher, the same purse snatcher, jumps out from the shadows and grabs Chrissyís purse.

Hey, what the hell?

The guy turns to look.

Let go of my purse, you stupid jerk.
Let go of my purse!
Let go of my purse!

The robber and Chrissy fight over it in a tug-of-war.

Help me!

At first the guy is shocked to see yet another robbery. He seems to recognize Chrissy, and then recognizes the purse snatcher. The purse snatcher and the guy lock-eyes, and this scares the guy.

Chrissy scrams for help one last time.

Hey, Help!

But the guy clearly ignores what is happening, Chrissy deflates and loses the battle for the purse, then falls to the ground in disbelief.

People start to gather around. Dazed by the whole event that
Chrissy canít even hear the people around who are trying to console her.

« Last Edit: November 29, 2015, 01:07:50 AM by Alice, a Country Gal »

Offline BaileyNeve

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Re: Guy who chased purse snatcher - W4M (Part II the conclusion) W/C 801
« Reply #1 on: December 01, 2015, 07:25:02 PM »
That ending is so sad! I really enjoyed this, though, I have one concern...
I feel like doing the flashback based on the Craigslist posting is a little weird. You're telling the guy a story he knows perfectly well, and was there for. It seems a bit redundant, and awkward. Perhaps switch the Craigslist posting for just telling the story to the waitress directly instead of using the posting.
Great read though!

Offline PencilPop

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Re: Guy who chased purse snatcher - W4M (Part II the conclusion) W/C 801
« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2015, 11:59:55 AM »
I would still like to hear from others before I address the storyline delivery.


Offline Cronus

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Re: Guy who chased purse snatcher - W4M (Part II the conclusion) W/C 801
« Reply #3 on: January 06, 2016, 01:38:50 PM »
Ok so the first thing i'll say is that you should stop being so short and snappy with those who reply to your posts, because they took the time to read it and think of a reply to you.

Now onto what I think.

Including the first part I think it would be hard for the "guy" to say so many words in an instant, perhaps shorten it to something more simple and abusive, as he is after all watching an old lady be robbed.  Similar to that "suck on this criminal" is a bit tame for a guy who is trying to kick someone in the head. Unless this is of course written to be more aimed at children as a "hero" type of short (but I don't think it is).

I think the crying is a tad extreme, maybe a grunt of shame and disappointment in himself? unless you want him to look like a wimp as he just tried to kick in someones head.

The line "And for that you get a date with me" instantly made me think "what a bitch" because that makes her sound so up herself its unreal. maybe make it more like a "and for that, I would like to go on a date with you"

I also feel the daydream sequence is out of place, but that's up to you (as is all of it, just this in particular).

Now I would possibly suggest that you change the whole "same man same robber" thing, in the respect that its so unlikely and I think rather clichť.
Instead I would change it to more she runs up to him and asks him about it, but out of shame he flat denies it.
Or if you do want to keep it similar I might suggest you make him turn down a side alley and watch as she's mugged, because this is happening in broad daylight in a busy street remember, and no sensible person would mug someone there.

But the thing where he watches doing nothing is good as of course he is ashamed and doesn't want that to happen again. So in relation to that theres a small contradiction in that he says "not again" in his little speaking bit when he first chases the robber. which would suggest that he's done something similar before, and anyone who did it once and thought well of themselves would do it again regardless I think. So I think just taking that small bit out might benefit the story telling a bit.

But that's my opinion of it anyway, you of course don't have to listen and can make any changes you want :)

Offline thatollie

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Re: Guy who chased purse snatcher - W4M (Part II the conclusion) W/C 801
« Reply #4 on: January 07, 2016, 07:32:40 AM »
Okay, there's a lot here that really made me cringe.

Firstly, the formatting makes it hard to read. This is simple enough to fix. Only the name and dialogue of people speaking is centered. The sluglines and scene directions stay on the left margin. Here's better resource than me for any formatting issues that you may have.

Secondly, the ending seems to be intended for drama but the fight is mostly slapstick. I mean, seriously, the mugger does a cartwheel before grabbing the old lady's purse. The nice guy then roundhouses a parking meter and then gets his pants stolen.

Also, this line creeped me out.
 I was hoping you would try to kick his head toward me. And then use that as an opening to ask for my number...

One final thing, I agree with everything that Cronus said. He highlights things that I would have said.
Never make a decision standing up.