Author Topic: School Story  (Read 1124 times)

Offline Nebiyu Samuel

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School Story
« on: December 19, 2015, 06:28:12 PM »
This is a paper that I wrote for my 12th grade English class. We were tasked with creating a literary format similar to The Canterbury Tales, in which the characters go on a journey and tell tales laced with wisdom. The "message" or "moral" of the story is supposed to be italicized. Similar to Canterbury Tales, the story is divided into a Prologue and the Tale. This paper is due Monday, and I would truly appreciate productive feedback. Thank you. 

Prologue
[/u]

“4 tangos, 3 o’clock!”
“Move, move, move!”
“They’re pulling back!”
“We can't let him get away! Now’s our chance!”

   Four men, four people no sane being would want chasing after them, followed an entire militia through a parched valley. Intermittently exchanging rounds, the two sides played cat and mouse until they reached the base of a mountain, whose sun-beaten path to its peak was riddled with caves inhabited by creatures of the dark.

 Sergeant Price led this expedition, a journey to locate, torture, and kill the world’s most wanted human being. His deep, deep brown eyes windowed a scene of a parentless childhood, grief stricken love, and a myriad of military tours. Nevertheless, he understood that his calling in life repudiated displays of weakness. His mind had hardened, and so had every single fiber in his body. Staff Sergeant Hall followed suite, a near perfect replica of Price. Never once did his words stray from ‘yes’ and ‘sir’. His back marked encounters with the blades and whips of the Devil’s servants, his face held taut with the chains of torment, isolation, and unremitting angst. Yet, even with the burden of the past weighting on his conscious, you would never predict that his best memories were the nightmares of those he pledged to protect, for the only sounds that split from his mouth were ‘yes’ and ‘sir’. Under the command of these two men stood Corporal Kent and Corporal Lance. Kent was the brightest and most active out of all the men. Hailing from a dirt-poor town on the outskirts of Nebraska, Kent worked for every inch of ground he walked on. He never dared cross the line set before his feet and authority, but his brazen approach to problem solving left many of his superiors questioning his methods. A last minute addition to the squad, Corporal Lance carried few ties and had a rather vague history.
The men soon lost sight of the militia and unanimously decided to head to the peak to gain a better vantage point. As they climbed over boulders and tightroped thin cliffs, Price overheard rustling by one the caves they walked by. He held up his fist and ordered Lance to keep guard while he investigated with Hall and Kent. A few minutes passed after Lance walked into the cave to check on his comrades. He saw them scanning the walls for any open entrances.

“I’m pretty sure they would be smart enough not to hide in a cave,” said Lance as he walked towards the opening of the cave. Click. Everyone froze. Price turned around and began to speak with his trademarked intensity. “Lance. Do not move. Do you understand? Do not m-” BOOM! Lance was gone, and so was their only exit.

Tale
[/u]
   Three days past. Three men. Two water bottles. No food. Thousands of stories.

“I remember my first day joining the force. I even remember the first day of my deployment.” Price and Kent, surprised to hear Halls’ voice, gleamed at the thought of a distraction from their circumstance. “I’ve fought in forty eight countries. And out of all the countries I’ve been to, Diyu is was by far the worst.”

“Diyu?” asked Kent.

“It’s uncharted. It means ‘hell’ in Mandarin. I will never forget it. I was deployed there after my third mission. The helicopter we were sent off in was nearly empty and, I don’t know if it was just in my head, but I could taste the scent of blood miles away from the island. My partners and I, one by one, parachuted into the middle of nowhere and landed on the shore by the forest. We walked among giants, as the fallen leaves from the towering trees announced our presence to every godforsaken beast on that island. Before I knew it, I was hanging upside down with blood flooding out of my nose and into my mouth. I saw O’Neil, a high ranking partner, was in the same condition.”

“Can you please tell us a more upbeat story?” interrupted Price.

“Hold up, let him finish,” said Kent.

Sergeant Hall chuckled, then continued his story.

“For two days straight, a man in a mask asked us who we were, who we worked for, how we knew each other. He wanted to know everything. When we refused to give up information, he got his other masked goons to rip our flesh out. I’m not just talking about some light cheese-grater-on-the-surface stuff here. I’m talkin’ katana-through-your-abdomen magnitude. They had this way of cutting you so that your always on the brink of death, but never actually die. I lost track of time, but after twelve more of these… moments, O’Neil broke. Years of training with the strongest soldiers to ever walk the Earth, and he breaks like a twig. He gave up everything. Launch codes, addresses, even coordinates. But by far the worst thing he did was give up my name. After all the torment the masked men put me through, I truly felt the worst pain after O’Neil gave up my name. You place your trust in someone, and expect them to hold their side of the deal. A random person, a stranger wearing a stupid mask, shoved a blade into him and forced him to utter Ellison.”

“Wait I don’t understand, your last name is Hall,” said Price

Hall slowly stood up and pointed a fully loaded M4A1 at Kent and Price and looked into their eyes. Exhausted from three straight days of starvation, Kent and Price looked up at Hall, their bodies vacant of vigor.

Hall stared, his face glazed with the numbing venom of betrayal.

“I’ve had my trust broken at times where there was no room for glass shards on the floor. I always tell people to never break another person’s trust. Heh, maybe I should start to follow my own advice.”

Two bullets later, Sergeant Price and Corporal Kent laid lifeless on the crimson stone floor of the cave. Hall digged into his pockets, pulled out a phone, then dialed a number.

“It’s done.”
“Good, meet us at 4:30.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Oh, and Hall? Don’t trust anyone.”


Offline 510bhan

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Re: School Story
« Reply #1 on: December 19, 2015, 07:19:51 PM »
digged >>> dug into his pockets ;)

So long since I studied Chaucer, I'm no help at all. Best of luck. ;)

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: School Story
« Reply #2 on: December 19, 2015, 08:10:56 PM »
Hello yungscribe,

First, I removed the poll for your work, those are best reserved for something we're actually voting on. Not for work posted for review/critique or feedback.

Plus, you'll find many here feel that school homework is meant for the student to do themselves. But I wish you good luck with it.

Alice
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The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

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I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

hillwalker3000

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Re: School Story
« Reply #3 on: December 20, 2015, 05:42:47 AM »
It’s well-written – some nice touches - and there's not a lot wrong with this piece of work.
I’m not going to offer any advice or assistance because it's a school assignment – but I spotted a few typos/missteps you might consider fixing before handing it in:

Four men, four people no sane being would want chasing to chase after them.
Staff Sergeant Hall followed suite suit a near-perfect replica of Price.
Yet, even with the burden of the past weighting weighing on his conscious
Price overheard rustling by one of the caves they walked by.
Three days past passed.
And out of all the countries I’ve been to, Diyu is was by far the worst.”
They had this way of cutting you so that your you’re always on the brink of death
Two bullets later, Sergeant Price and Corporal Kent laid lay lifeless on the crimson stone floor of the cave. Hall digged dug into his pockets


Good luck.
H3K

Offline onneen

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Re: School Story
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« Last Edit: August 28, 2021, 06:36:16 AM by onneen »

Offline watcher111

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Re: School Story
« Reply #5 on: August 28, 2021, 06:50:14 PM »
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