Author Topic: In the Grip of Something 1,070 words  (Read 3349 times)

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: In the Grip of Something 1,070 words
« Reply #15 on: December 08, 2015, 03:54:57 PM »
Thanks, Alice. Good idea. Maybe she can limit the effects if she stays out of the light, or, like you suggested turns into the Hulk or Poison Ivy or something. ::) As Skip would say, 'pondering'. ;)

I still hear Skip's words echoing around here from time to time also.  :D
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Offline 510bhan

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Re: In the Grip of Something 1,070 words
« Reply #16 on: December 08, 2015, 03:56:59 PM »
I so miss bouncing ideas with him. :'(

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: In the Grip of Something 1,070 words
« Reply #17 on: December 08, 2015, 05:26:27 PM »
I so miss bouncing ideas with him. :'(

Know what you mean. Reread his book recent. Spotted a couple of spots and fussed at myself big time. Why didn't I spot them when they could have been fixed?

Still a good read though.  8)
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

hillwalker3000

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Re: In the Grip of Something 1,070 words
« Reply #18 on: December 09, 2015, 10:50:57 AM »
Ill comment on the revised version if I may.

First impressions interesting premise but it got rather too technical and rushed-through long before the end. It reads more like an outline with notes-to-self included rather than a gripping eco-thriller that would make me want to continue turning the pages to discover what happens next.

A few minor quibbles.

Im guessing its the claustrophobia thats happening again in which case Im not sure shed be comfortable lying on her back gazing at an expanse of sky unless its the first time shes experienced it outdoors. . . except you tell us its not. Id imagine her curling up into a ball and closing her eyes.

I like the description of being shrink-wrapped but merely gasping when she discovers she has green, luminescent blood running through her veins? Has this also happened to her before? It seems not.

She traced her fingers over the lines but felt no discernible change in temperature, texture or tension. Should there be? A breeze blew back her fringe and she shivered.

Then we have the loud noise that seems to come from the leaves stirring on the distant trees the way its described here. And the switch from being stalked by clouds to confronting Edward seemed too abrupt.

You no doubt have an interesting plot in mind involving harnessing meteorological phenomena (and maybe creating a human-vegetable hybrid) amongst other things, but then to throw in the repositioning of the moon almost as an after-thought, as if the risk of tectonic upheaval and earthquakes and all kinds of other geophysical mayhem is immaterial takes this beyond the realm of remotely believable.
Ill admit you lost me once they began discussing the contract and Carla decided how best to exact revenge.

I agree with the others that theres way too much material here for a short.

H3K

Offline 510bhan

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Re: In the Grip of Something 1,070 words
« Reply #19 on: December 09, 2015, 11:14:36 AM »
Thanks, Phil. It's grown . . . undergone changes and I'm currently at 3,519 words. ;D Shall take into consideration your points when I'm editing.

Quote
Im guessing its the claustrophobia thats happening again in which case Im not sure shed be comfortable lying on her back gazing at an expanse of sky unless its the first time shes experienced it outdoors. . . except you tell us its not. Id imagine her curling up into a ball and closing her eyes.

It's not claustrophobia -- that's what strange, she has experienced that before but not this. It is her only reference point for the similar smothering sensations.

When you're claustrophobic you don't curl into a ball, you open out, well I do anyway. She's fallen to the ground, lightheaded and is trying to control her breathing. Last thing you want is tightness and being closed up. ;)

It was the leaves making the noise, they had been blown by the wind bringing in the ground-seeking clouds, but it was so loud she wondered what could make them clatter and rustle so. The wind is controlled and the trees were in the distance. :-[
« Last Edit: December 09, 2015, 11:31:00 AM by 510bhan »

Offline 510bhan

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Re: In the Grip of Something 1,070 words
« Reply #20 on: December 12, 2015, 02:25:42 PM »
Okay -- a quickie here . . .

Which would have more emphasis?

She got the message. Symbiosis. Well both fight to survive.

OR

She got the message. Symbiosis. Well fight to survive.



Thank you. :)



Offline heidi52

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Re: In the Grip of Something 1,070 words
« Reply #21 on: December 12, 2015, 03:13:45 PM »
I've read and re-read this and here's what I'm having a hard time with-

I can't see the connection between her skin turning green and them manipulating the weather. Since 'they' are controlling both what is their point? I can see them messing with the weather and I can see them messing with her, but why would they do both? What is the connection, like can they not complete the weather control unless they have all these green blooded guinea pigs?

Do you see what I'm talking about? Either premise is good and viable, but having the two objectives makes this tremendously complicated for a short story.

JMO of course, and I haven't read the whole thing, so maybe you do wrap it all up at the end and I'm just being a simpleton. Wouldn't be the first time.  ;D

Offline 510bhan

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Re: In the Grip of Something 1,070 words
« Reply #22 on: December 12, 2015, 03:41:52 PM »
Yep - there's more in the 5k version. ;D

Basically they're manipulating the weather in order to improve crop production and 'green' O2 generation . . . rainfall where and when they need it, thus keeping the commercial guys happy with greater and more predictable yields and the tree huggers happy with replacing many of the forests destroyed. Also, in their search for new naturally sustainable energy, light and the moon and tides are currently under experimentation. Mucking around with that has interfered with the project she is part of and produced unexpected and possibly ground breaking beneficial [ahem, as far as they are concerned not so good for Carla] side-effects at cellular level. :o 

The chlorophyll is activated as a byproduct of the substance with which she has been injected. ::)

hillwalker3000

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Re: In the Grip of Something 1,070 words
« Reply #23 on: December 13, 2015, 05:47:54 AM »
Okay -- a quickie here . . .
Which would have more emphasis?
She got the message. Symbiosis. Well both fight to survive.
OR
She got the message. Symbiosis. Well fight to survive.

The one with 'both' in since symbiosis involves cooperation between two separate entities. Alternatively, 'We'll fight together to survive'?

H3K

Offline 510bhan

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Re: In the Grip of Something 1,070 words
« Reply #24 on: December 13, 2015, 01:15:47 PM »
Cheers, Phil -- appreciated and good suggestion. ;)

Offline 510bhan

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Re: In the Grip of Something 1,070 words
« Reply #25 on: December 16, 2015, 03:50:51 PM »
Just an update . . . the 5k monster has been so much fun. Through repeated editing I keep managing to save a few words here and there which allows me to add another succinct sentence/layer. It's amazing how much more you can add with just 7 or 8 words available to you. Every time I get back down to 4,983 I wonder . . . can I cut more? Is there another little nuance that might help characterisation or deepen the plot? Of course there is -- and that in turn demands a rethink, a cut/change/addition. ;D ;D ;D ;D

Offline heidi52

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Re: In the Grip of Something 1,070 words
« Reply #26 on: December 16, 2015, 06:52:00 PM »
I suppose there is some point where it's not true, but my new motto is cut, cut, cut.

I find it amazing when I write say a flash fiction of under 500 words and think it's super lean, only to find out on 4th or 5th edit that oh yeah, there's plenty to cut.

And it always makes it a better tighter story.

Good for you for not making the word count and saying "good enough".

Offline 510bhan

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Re: In the Grip of Something 1,070 words
« Reply #27 on: December 16, 2015, 07:36:53 PM »
Latest run through has been discovering sneaky little unnecessaries: just/only/now/still. Find two each of them and that's another potential sentence or two available if required. ;D ;D

Offline katarina66

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Re: In the Grip of Something 1,070 words
« Reply #28 on: December 19, 2015, 01:23:58 PM »
Very good. Not my genre, but this could persuade me to read on. There's nothing I can really add that others haven't already said. I'm sure you will do well with this.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: In the Grip of Something 1,070 words
« Reply #29 on: December 19, 2015, 05:05:51 PM »
Aw, thanks katerina. :)