Author Topic: Mural  (Read 1190 times)

Offline Tom 10

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Mural
« on: November 21, 2015, 12:03:29 PM »

       Mural

The sharp shadow of a tree trunk
bisects the pale yellow wall.

Its limbs bend
across the sparkling frost covered metal roof. 

To the left of the tree appears a partial silhouette
of my building.  I want to reach out and sketch
the door and windows. 

Just then I see on the roof
small branches waving, as if a shadow breeze
has just come alive.





Offline Mark H

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Re: Mural
« Reply #1 on: November 21, 2015, 12:10:34 PM »
Are you on a mission to rehabilitate the adjective?
Buy Bristle Side Down, The Man Who Wore Brown Shoes and Middleclass Machismo here:
http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?contributorId=570142

If poetry is not your thing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PueM04F0Qz8 or: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0Zm8cj9MGg

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Mural
« Reply #2 on: November 21, 2015, 01:25:06 PM »
      Mural

The sharp shadow of A tree trunk's sharp shadow  [of killing -- don't think it adds to the rhythm, also loses a superfluous 'the']
bisects the pale yellow wall.

Its limbs bend
across the sparkling frost-covered metal roof.  

To the left, of the tree appears a partial silhouette [better sounds]
of my building.  I want to reach out and sketch
the door and windows.  

Just then I see [moved] on the roof <<<< as you have already mentioned the roof, maybe go straight into the immediate observation. :-\
I see small branches waving,
as if a shadow breeze
has just come alive. <<< if you cut the first 'just' this one could probably survive. :D





Offline Tom 10

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Re: Mural
« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2015, 03:48:26 PM »
Are you on a mission to rehabilitate the adjective?

It sure seems like it, huh?  I toiled for months to scrub them all out, so now I binge. :)

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Mural
« Reply #4 on: November 21, 2015, 03:50:50 PM »

Sio, thanks for the considered fiddle. :)
I agree with most all except losing the second roof - I fear I'll lose the sense of all shadows if I do.  Just my thought.
 :)
T

Offline bri h

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Re: Mural
« Reply #5 on: November 22, 2015, 07:03:01 AM »
Mornin T.
No fiddles from me
just a request
or an entreaty
lose the two 'justs'
In your po-et-ree.

Don't shoot me. I'm just the messenger. B
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Mural
« Reply #6 on: November 22, 2015, 09:29:50 AM »
Thanks bri. :)

Offline Welsh Rarebit

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Re: Mural
« Reply #7 on: November 23, 2015, 06:31:23 AM »
Tom - I can SEE this.  Visually beautiful.  I see a 'turn' in S3  where 'breeze has come alive'  Id be tempted to over punctuate here and maybe drop the just...



then I see on the roof ...
small branches waving - as if a shadow breeze
has come alive!


Julie

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Mural
« Reply #8 on: November 23, 2015, 09:39:40 AM »
Hi Julie -
Good suggestions.  The punctuation looks right.
Thanks. :)
T

Offline kateD

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Re: Mural
« Reply #9 on: November 23, 2015, 11:01:34 AM »
Like Julie, I can perfectly visualize this scene. Beautiful.
I do have the urge to fiddle a little, as I think there are excess words:


Sharp shadow of a tree trunk
bisects a pale yellow wall.

Its limbs bend
across the sparkling frost-covered metal roof. 

Next to the tree, a partial silhouette
of my building. I want to sketch
the door and windows. 

I see on the roof
small branches waving, as if a shadow breeze
has just come alive.