Author Topic: Nineteen  (Read 1269 times)

Offline Tom 10

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Nineteen
« on: November 12, 2015, 07:27:48 PM »



          Nineteen

You have the full moment
to convince me of the way
trees may teach the true languages.
Say something importantĖ
say it loud
in the quiet way parents talk.
A guitar string picks,
a voice calls and I see
my popodcasts have loaded,
the moment endes=
Iímy thumbs thermos mobs is gull
and Iím gone again
to surface later.




Offline Biola

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Re: Nineteen
« Reply #1 on: November 14, 2015, 02:11:31 AM »
do you mean at Nineteen that is how we think?
biola
we learn every day if we want. check my blog http://biola-ephesus-ephesus.blogspot.com, Ephesus@Wordpress.com
buy my books, BLOOD CONTRACT,NUMEN YEYE at amazon.com

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Nineteen
« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2015, 10:06:52 AM »
Biola, yeah, sort of, although it's more applicable to  a 14-year old, I think, and I was trying to say something about how this parent/child communication is fuzzy, but I think the poem is the fuzzy thing.  I am not happy with with it and have a re-write in the works.  Thanks for taking a look.

T

Offline Mark T

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Re: Nineteen
« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2015, 10:12:08 AM »

i likd th opnng bt nt th rst so mch. Mrk

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Nineteen
« Reply #4 on: November 15, 2015, 10:27:13 AM »
arged, Mark. :)

Offline kateD

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Re: Nineteen
« Reply #5 on: November 15, 2015, 03:22:32 PM »
You have the full moment
to convince me of the way
trees may teach the true languages.
Say something importantĖ
say it loud
in the quiet way parents talk.
A guitar string picks,
a voice calls and I see
my popodcasts have loaded,
the moment endes=
Iímy thumbs thermos mobs is gull
and Iím gone again
to surface later.

I like this. I don't understand "endes=
Iímy thumbs thermos mobs is gull"
but I suspect that is my own technological naivete. Because he is typing with thumbs?
And I don't know that a guitar string can pick, but rather is picked.

I love the opening sentence and the final one. Accurate sentiment.

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Nineteen
« Reply #6 on: November 15, 2015, 05:18:58 PM »
The title, Nineteen, sent me traveling back to the distant past when I was that age.

As a result I've come back to this and read it over again twice. Still trying to wrap my mind around the part following:

Quote
a voice calls and I see

I have the feeling I'm failing to read what you are saying Tom.
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Offline midnight candle

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Re: Nineteen
« Reply #7 on: November 15, 2015, 05:29:36 PM »
I absolutely love the first three lines :)

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Nineteen
« Reply #8 on: November 16, 2015, 09:21:49 AM »
Kate, The lines you flag- 10 & 11 - the idea was as the young N moves back into his/her 'natural' world, the older non-tech savvy parent is left behind.  The gibberish was intended to let the reader identify with the parent more than the 19 year old - who really should be 14, I think. 

Alice - 'a voice calls and I see' The N. is distracted from what might have happened with parent, s/he sees the podcasts have loaded, and his/her attention is gone from what the parent would regard as the here and now.

Candle - thanks. I like the opening too.  I just need to figure out now what should follow. ::)

Thanks for the feedback.  This one is frustrating, I know what I want from it, but it is so deficient.  I think it goes in the drawer for a while.

T

Offline CorneliusPoe

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Re: Nineteen
« Reply #9 on: November 17, 2015, 08:24:38 AM »
You have the full moment
to convince me
Say something importantĖ
say it loud

Is all I need from this poem. The opening voice is all you and is enjoyable. It's like listening to James Tayler singing Oh! Susanna not really fond of the song, but love the voice.
"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Nineteen
« Reply #10 on: November 17, 2015, 09:18:38 AM »
Thanks Marc.  Next week - She'll be Comin' 'Round the Mountain ;D ;D