Author Topic: Beau's Moving On Up - Opening Scenes - Pilot Episode (Web Series) W/C 998  (Read 2595 times)

Offline JDHowell

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Hello everyone, this is the opening scenes of the pilot episode for the web series that I'm working on. Each episode will run around 8-10 minutes. Hope you enjoy reading!  
The parking lot is full of LAUGHING and SHOUTING STUDENTS. Most of which are hanging around their fancy cars.  
Meanwhile, Beau rides in on his bike, a backpack is slung over the handlebars. He rides his bike to the bike stand and locks it in place.  
A beaten up truck pulls in and slows down to a stop, the breaks squeaks loudly. Out steps his MOM.

Beau smiles as he walks over and gives her a hug.

Are you sure you packed everything, Beau?


I'm sure mom.


You just don't seem to have a lot here.


I've got everything I need.

If you say so. And you're sure you don't want the Ford? I'd rather you have it. It would make it so much easier to get around.
Beau shakes his head furiously.  

You know you'll have to learn to drive it someday.


Today's not that day. Besides, with college, I will be able to step away from the family business, do my own thing.

Mom rolls her eyes and gives him another hug.  

Here, give me a hand with this.

She unloads Beau's suitcase from the back and hands it over to him.

I'm only a phone call away, and you can call or come over anytime.  

I will mom. Love you.


Love you too, you make me so proud.

She pulls Beau into another hug, and wipes away a tear.  
Once finished with their goodbyes, his Mom drives away. Beau grabs his suitcase and heads towards the looming doors with his head down.  
While walking, he suddenly hears SNICKERS and KISSING NOISES around him.

Beau peers up to find several people making duck faces and pointing at him. Beau looks back down and continues on his way.  

(under his breath)

And I thought I act like a high schooler.

Standing outside the "DOLLEN HALL" building, Beau comes to a complete stop. He rummages in his pocket and yanks out a map of the campus.  
After studying the map, he lets out a loud groan, stuffs the map back into his pocket and continues walking.  
The dorm building is pretty spiffy on the inside. Beau meanders over towards the elevator when he hears CHEERING coming from the adjacent room.  
He peers into the First Floor living room to see that a few students have set up a "casual" game of beer pong. Beau sets his suitcase down and walks into the  

Beau lingers around the walls as he watches them play. He watches the ball as it misses every cup.

LUKE, aims the ball towards the middle cup, shoots and misses. A few girls linger around the table, flirting with Luke.

Just a fluke, ladies. Watch this.

Luke tries to sink the ball again, but he only misses. The girls giggle at his attempt.

Suddenly, Beau clears his throat.

If you angle your arm this way -

Beau walks over and grabs Luke's arm. Luke glares at the freshman before yanking his arm away.

What the hell man?! How would you like it if I touched you?

Luke grabs Beau's arm and fails it around angrily. Beau allows it to happen.

Sorry, man. Just trying to help.

Is that so?

Yeah, you just have to figure out the trajectory of the ball.

Well, by all means, I'd love to see the master at work.

Luke dramatically steps aside and bows to the table.

Beau just stands there, not saying a word.


Beau gulps as he shuffles over and grabs a ball.

(to the girls)
This should be good.

Beau takes a deep breath and positions himself like he told Luke to do. He tosses the ball and it lands in the center cup. The girls CHEER.

Beginner's luck, do it again.

Beau grabs another ball and positions himself. He tosses it and it's a win!

Luke crosses his arms as the girls leave him and surround Beau.

How did you learn to do that?

Beau shrugs with a sheepish smile.

It's not that hard if you know the angles.

Must take forever to practice.

Actually, that was my first time.

The girls GASP with excitement, which infuriates Luke even more.

Girls, we got a game going on here, remember?

Beau looks up to see the anger and redness in Luke's face.

Guess, I better get going.

Yeah, I guess so.

Beau hurries out of the room. He grabs his suitcase and presses the button for the elevator.

From the elevator, Beau can see Luke staring back at him. Luke turns back towards the game. He grabs another ball and throws it against the wall.


Beau enters to find his roommate already inside. STEVEN, is sprawled across the bed.

He peers up when Beau enters. He glances Beau up and down, taking in Beau's awkward appearance.

Dude, are you my roommate?

I'm Beau, nice to meet you.


Steven pats the bed, which is below the only window in the room.

STEVEN (cont'd)
This is my bed, I've already claimed it! I didn't feel like asking you first, I like the view.

Yeah, man, whatever.

Beau places his suitcase down on the other bed.


Also, we need to step up some ground rules.


Number one, I like to stay up late watching TV. Don't let it bother you if you hear moaning. Which brings me to number two, I don't like having people over, unless it's a girl. Number three, I always have last say.




Thought so.

Do you like playing board games? I actually create my own, so--

Dude, you didn't just say that. Board games are so lame.
« Last Edit: March 26, 2016, 01:32:02 PM by Alice, a Country Gal »


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There's not much wrong with this.
We get to see Beau for what he is quite quickly – a rather sweet, naïve young man who is probably going to suffer at least one rite of passage in his new role as student.

I spotted one or two minor missteps:

The dorm building is pretty spiffy on the inside.

The director doesn't need the scriptwriter to describe the set for him. That's not your job. Besides, how do you suggest he portrays 'pretty spiffy' on film?

He peers into the First Floor living room to see that a few students have set up a "casual" game of beer pong.
I have no idea what you mean by "casual" – let the film crew work out what we see on screen. And let the actors play their roles in the most appropriate way given the setting and storyline. It's what they're paid to do.

I'm not a fan of college movies, mainly because we thankfully have a completely different education system in the UK where there's none of the fraternity house nonsense. So this will most likely appeal to an American audience. But I like Beau. I think you have an interesting lead character and a winning formula as long as you keep things moving along at the right pace.

Thanks for sharing.


Offline JDHowell

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Thanks for the review Hillwalker, I will keep all of this in mind as I continue writing.

Offline To a T

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I like their names - Beau is cool & Luke too.  Steven tho - for a hard-ass college kid,
wouldn't he go by Steve or Stephano or Steep...

I ask this because your characters & setting seem too stereotypical, too black & white,
too rich vs poor
As such they lack intrigue.  
-I knew from too early on that Beau would be hot at ping-pong
-And Steven isn't given the chance to be well-rounded & nice.

I recommend you develop your characters more fully - interactions & possible
dialogue will benefit from robust, flawed, empathic roles.

« Last Edit: May 28, 2016, 09:02:10 AM by To a T »
Life isn't always pretty,
but colour won't hurt you

Offline Writer3

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I really like this. Your characters are distinctive and you clearly know what you are doing. I agree with To a T though. Steven's name doesn't really fit. Could I suggest the name Shane? I think it would really suit him.