Author Topic: Bank Scene  (Read 6797 times)

Offline Chizzy

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Bank Scene
« on: October 08, 2015, 11:24:37 PM »
I'm working on a script that's an expansion of a short story I wrote a few years ago. The wider story is about cause and effect and focuses on everyday people in a universe that has superheroes. This is a scene from early in the story and is a trigger to a series of events that change the main character's life. I haven't written much in a year so I suspect this is quite rusty. Would be keen to know how rusty. Thanks!



INT. FIFTH THIRD BANK - DAY

The bank is busy. A line snakes from the door, doubling back
on itself several times as it winds its way to the tellers.
ROBERT looks to his side and sees an automatic change machine.
The line is shorter -- a KID with a piggy bank stands with
her MOM, another OFFICE WORKER, a young man wearing a hat
that looks like a hot dog -- but there's an OLD MAN at the
head, slowly pouring a two gallon tub of copper coins into
the machine.

Robert looks indecisive, as though he's considering his
options. Join one of the lines or go back to his desk? He
adjusts the man bag strap on his shoulder and perhaps there's
something in the weight of the bag that makes his mind up for
him. He joins the line for the automatic machine behind the
HOT DOG GUY.

INT. FIFTH THIRD BANK - LATER

The line for a teller has shortened slightly. The old man is
still pouring copper into the automatic machine. Robert
checks his watch.

                         ROBERT
            C'mon. C'mon.

The Hot Dog Guy half turns round, then looks forward again.

Robert waits for a beat or two and then draws a breath to say
something else, when there's a MASSIVE CRASH behind him. He
ducks immediately, almost falling to the floor.

A team of MASKED ARMED ROBBERS burst into the bank and
immediately spread out, some standing on tables, pointing
SUB-MACHINE GUNS at the customers who are already starting to
panic and scream. The only unarmed robber, the LEAD ROBBER,
stands near the middle of the foyer and clears his throat.
When he talks, he has an English accent and is terribly
polite.

                         LEAD ROBBER
            Ladies and gentlemen.

Panic continues.

                         LEAD ROBBER (cont'd)
                    (louder, polite)
            Excuse me. Ladies and gentlemen. One
            moment of your time, if I may.

Panic subsides slightly.

                         LEAD ROBBER (cont'd)
            The sooner we all settle down, the
            sooner we can carry out our business
            and be out of your hair.

Panic becomes subdued except for a few sniffles and
mutterings. Under this noise, we can just make out the sound
of coins being fed into a machine. The old guy, it seems, is
oblivious to everything around him.

The Lead Robber indicates to one of his colleagues who taps
the old guy on the shoulder and then gently leads him to a
chair.

                         LEAD ROBBER (cont'd)
            Thank you so much. Now if you all
            wouldn't mind lying down on your
            bellies with hands interlaced behind
            your heads, I'd be ever so grateful.
            Yes, I know it's somewhat demeaning
            but it is standard procedure, I'm
            afraid. Tellers, please remain
            standing and with your hands in plain
            view. I can't stress the importance of
            this enough. Comply with these
            reasonable demands and this will very
            much be a minor inconvenience in your
            day, something you may even forget to
            mention to your family at dinner time.

Robert, the tellers, and the rest of the customers do as
they're told.

                         LEAD ROBBER (cont'd)
            Much obliged.
                    (to his colleagues)
            Gentlemen, to your business.

The robbers get to work.

INT. FIFTH THIRD BANK - LATER

The robbery is progressing well. Large bags, presumably of
swag, are collecting in the foyer. Non-robber people have
hardly moved.

Robert is lying motionless next to the Hot Dog Guy, who seems
eager to attract Robert's attention.

                         HOT DOG GUY
                    (whispering)
            Psst. Psst!

                         ROBERT
            What?

                         HOT DOG GUY
                    (whispering)
            Should we try to overpower them?

                         ROBERT
            Over --
                    (whispering)
            Overpower them? Seriously?

                         HOT DOG GUY
                    (whispering)
            I think we can overpower them.

                         ROBERT
                    (whispering)
            Who? Who's we?

                         HOT DOG GUY
                    (whispering)
            You. Me. That guy over there looks
            kinda keen.

There's a man with a buzz-cut and face like thunder lying
close by.

                         ROBERT
                    (whispering)
            Are you crazy? There's six of them and
            they have guns. There's three of us
            and you have novelty head wear.

                         HOT DOG GUY
                    (whispering)
            What difference does my hat make?

                         ROBERT
                    (whispering)
            It makes all the difference in the
            world.

                         HOT DOG GUY
                    (whispering)
            What kind of elitist asshole are you?

                         ROBERT
                    (whispering)
            I'm sorry. I'm sure you look quite the
            part when you're selling hot dogs but
            in a situation like this, call me
            old-fashioned, but I prefer my
            have-a-go-heroes to be more
            appropriately dressed, especially when
            they're asking me to get involved for
            no good reason.

There's a pause while this sinks in.

                         HOT DOG GUY
                    (whispering)
            What makes you think I sell hot dogs?

Before we can get an answer, there's another booming crash
and the front wall of the bank caves in, crushing two robbers
immediately and injuring at least one customer. The panic is
renewed as people shuffle, crawl and roll to get out of the
way. Once the dust begins to settle, we start to make out an
imposing figure dressed in yellow standing where the wall
used to me. This is ULTRA MAN, super hero and guardian of the
Metro Capital Area.

                         ULTRA MAN
            I haven't been to a bank in a while. I
            must be having ... withdrawal symptoms

The robbers turn their guns on Ultra Man and open fire. He
holds up a hand and the bullets are deflected, one of which
ricochets and hits a teller in the shoulder.

Ultra Man continues his heavy-handed remedy of the situation,
using a myriad of powers to incapacitate the robbers one by
one. Unfortunately, not all of these measures are without
collateral damage.

Robert, still prone on the floor with his hands behind his
head, has his eyes scrunched shut. When he opens them, he
sees a robber falling backward, inadvertently pointing his
gun down at Robert as his arms flail. There's a flash from
the muzzle of the gun which doesn't fade away, and instead
looks paused within an ice-blue bubble. Robert looks to the
side and sees Ultra Man with his hand facing the robber, a
pulse of ice-blue shooting from his palm. Robert turns back
to the robber and focuses to a point inches from his face. At
the very edge of the bubble, there's a bullet, halted in its
tracks, headed directly for Robert's face.
This is not an exit.

Offline FrankieG702

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Re: Bank Scene
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2015, 01:10:49 AM »
Cool idea and funny. You might want to describe the collateral damage Ultra Man causes, and maybe come up with something else like "the customers and employees" instead of "non-bank robber people." Just my opinion but overall I liked it and would definitely keep reading. Thanks for sharing.

Offline Chizzy

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Re: Bank Scene
« Reply #2 on: October 13, 2015, 12:35:35 PM »
Thanks, Frankie. Good points raised. Thanks for having a read.
This is not an exit.

Offline bri h

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Re: Bank Scene
« Reply #3 on: October 13, 2015, 07:37:29 PM »
Cos it's you, I clicked on this to have a look. And glad I am, that I did. It caught my interest and kept me reading till the end. I want more. "MORE I tell ye!"


Glad to see the charm's still working too. No sign. B


 ;D
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Chizzy

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Re: Bank Scene
« Reply #4 on: October 13, 2015, 10:20:23 PM »
Thanks, Bri. Hope you're doing well, sir.

I've changed this about a bit since posting. On the assumption that the public knows that Ultra Man exists, it seemed strange that someone would want to put themselves in danger by trying to disarm the robbers on their own. So I've changed that main thrust of the conversation with the Hot Dog Guy.

Thanks for having a read!
This is not an exit.

Offline Makavelli

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Re: Bank Scene
« Reply #5 on: November 07, 2015, 10:06:47 PM »
This is pretty good. Instead of cutting to the same scene, and just indicating later --- maybe have INT. FIFTH THIRD BANK - FOYER or INT. FIFTH THIRD BANK - VAULT something like that do indicate that this is happening in different areas.

I also try and keep the action to 4 sentences, I think you could narrow the action down.

That being said the whole idea is good, I could see myself watching this, the story really comes alive when you write it.

Offline Oceaxe

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Re: Bank Scene
« Reply #6 on: November 09, 2015, 11:49:01 AM »
I like your script, very visual. Can't criticise until I know more though. My advice would be to press on and not waste time tinkering about with the start.

Good luck.
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W.B. Yeats (18651939)

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Bank Scene
« Reply #7 on: November 10, 2015, 03:06:22 PM »
The action needs cut to bare essentials -- how it is played out is up to the director. It should suggest enough to get his/her creative juices flowing and allow enough room for interpretation by the actors.

E.G. Robert, the tellers, and the rest of the customers do as
they're told.
Everyone obeys. :-X

Nice to see you writing again G. ;)

Offline Chizzy

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Re: Bank Scene
« Reply #8 on: November 12, 2015, 11:04:47 AM »
Thanks folks. Great advice about the action lines. Very useful.

Nice to see you writing again G. ;)

Great to be writing again.
This is not an exit.

Offline w.yn.

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Re: Bank Scene
« Reply #9 on: November 14, 2015, 02:01:46 AM »
Loved this. Very visual, and I felt it was executed well. I'd be happy to read more!

Offline PencilPop

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Re: Bank Scene
« Reply #10 on: November 27, 2015, 10:01:40 PM »
Nice story and Wow! I really like all the feedback you have received so far. It really look like you will be helped here!

Offline badradio2014

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Re: Bank Scene
« Reply #11 on: February 16, 2016, 12:24:14 AM »
I liked it for the bank robber with the accent and manners to go with it. Funny how he never gave any verbal threats. Of course not that he had to, just was a nice touch. Well done.

Offline MJTennant

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Re: Bank Scene
« Reply #12 on: February 26, 2016, 08:51:13 AM »
Rusty!  LOL - I think this is awesome and can certainly imagine this on the big screen.

Really enjoyed it.

(sorry, I haven't really anything negative to say really).

I do love superhero stuff though.  You need to go and see Deadpool, it's great.

M J

Offline greyman

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Re: Bank Scene
« Reply #13 on: May 25, 2016, 09:13:57 PM »
This is great! Would love to read more of it, really funny. That being said, many of your readers/viewers may not be familiar, but Ultraman is a very famous tokusatsu superhero in Japan. http://www.gstatic.com/tv/thumb/tvbanners/520187/p520187_b_v7_aa.jpg

Offline To a T

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Re: Bank Scene
« Reply #14 on: May 26, 2016, 02:38:16 AM »
Hi

I really liked the pace, the story proceeded with adrenalin

However, I would expect something more right at the onset of the
bank robbery.  Seems it calmed down inordinately fast for me.
-Some direct catalyst with robber vs customer to show they mean business
prior to their kind actions to the old man with his bag of coins.

The word 'novel' rubbed me the wrong way tho I know it is elemental to the scene.
'hat' alone wouldn't suffice?

I'd love to read more...
Life isn't always pretty,
but colour won't hurt you

http://tttwritings.blogspot.jp/p/day-one-wild-as-you-are-all-that-love.html