Author Topic: How Close  (Read 3264 times)

Offline Tom 10

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How Close
« on: October 03, 2015, 10:50:24 AM »



    How Close 

the time between lightning
and thunder– I count in breaths

on a mirror beneath my nose
look - vapor - I am alive

give me your fingers, your chest 
I need to count your breaths

I need to time my stutter
to your pauses

I wait
for you to teach me to walk
perhaps again
to speak

before the rumble arrives.





Offline CorneliusPoe

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Re: How Close
« Reply #1 on: October 03, 2015, 12:23:47 PM »
Ok, not sure what you expect beyond, "Wow!"

"I need to time my stutter
to your pauses"

Jesus, T.

Just to appear able to do more than drool, I'm back and forth on "again" in S5 - suggest cutting it, but then again, I don't :P
"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery

Offline Tom 10

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Re: How Close
« Reply #2 on: October 03, 2015, 02:49:15 PM »
Thanks CP.   I think the text needs "again" to keep some analogies alive, which I don't want to lose.  Deleting it does open other doors, and enhances the 'unspoken' elements.  Now you have me on the fence! ;D  
« Last Edit: October 04, 2015, 10:58:33 AM by Tom 10 »

Offline drab

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Re: How Close
« Reply #3 on: October 04, 2015, 09:20:24 PM »
Took a few reads T. Nothing strange there  :)
High impact (when it dawned)
The future aint looking rosy  :)
Well done.
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline Welsh Rarebit

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Re: How Close
« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2015, 06:59:01 AM »
Lovely.  I don't know if Ive read it right- but my father had a stroke - this had parallels for me.  Very intimate writing.

Offline kateD

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Re: How Close
« Reply #5 on: October 05, 2015, 01:56:37 PM »
I'm guessing this is CPR? May be way off, but it fits. Anyway, its a nice tom-esque piece.  :D

Offline bri h

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Re: How Close
« Reply #6 on: October 05, 2015, 02:17:42 PM »
I was so moved by this T. I lost my Ma to cancer some years ago. I watched her wither in front of my eyes. Like you, I counted the breaths and the lengthening pauses. But to me your poem signified her (the lightning) and her diminishing breath (the thunder), as it gradually diminished, and stopped. Like every reader of poetry, even tho the poet was heading in one direction, the reader possibly takes another from the work. This is what I got from your poem. Sorry if I'm totally off here. But then again, I'm not. Because your words made me remember her fading breath. In other words T. Nice one sonna. B
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline kateD

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Re: How Close
« Reply #7 on: October 05, 2015, 02:22:27 PM »
I was so moved by this T. I lost my Ma to cancer some years ago. I watched her wither in front of my eyes. Like you, I counted the breaths and the lengthening pauses. But to me your poem signified her (the lightning) and her diminishing breath (the thunder), as it gradually diminished, and stopped.

Ah, yes. Having witnessed a death, I think you may be on it bri.

Offline Tom 10

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Re: How Close
« Reply #8 on: October 05, 2015, 03:57:57 PM »
drab, WR, bri, Kate - thanks for reading and commenting.  I know stuff I post can seem cryptic and I do appreciate your taking it on anyway.  You get  the idea of a Narrator having suffered a traumatic/debilitating event and the ensuing dependency on one person - maybe a spouse, daughter, son.  I wanted to suggest that the time between the event (stroke) and the end/death/coma (rumble) seems for this N's experience to be like the time between lightning and thunder - counting the seconds to see how far away.   I think a stroke fits the metaphor the best, but as I was writing I thought much about my Mother, who finally succumbed to cancer as you say of yours, Bri.  I also thought of the last night with my Father who succumbed to heart failure.  This could have been better, but I am glad you get what I was at least reaching for.  Thanks for the wonderful feedback.
 8)
T   

Offline Amie

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Re: How Close
« Reply #9 on: October 06, 2015, 02:31:45 AM »
Another cracker..




"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka

Offline Tom 10

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Re: How Close
« Reply #10 on: October 06, 2015, 08:44:35 AM »

Amie - you are too kind, thank you. :)
Great visuals, btw.

Offline Mark T

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Re: How Close
« Reply #11 on: October 07, 2015, 06:51:33 AM »

I do like the pacing in this, it works very well with the pauses implied in the content - it's subtle but there, like heartbeats in the ears. Only faint niggle is the repetition of count and breath in such a sparse piece but these are essential to the theme, and I'm not really seeing any viable alternatives. Good, tommish writing   :)     

Offline FreddyBarzen

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Re: How Close
« Reply #12 on: October 07, 2015, 11:49:14 PM »
Brilliant! This metaphor is really outstanding.

Offline duck

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Re: How Close
« Reply #13 on: October 09, 2015, 03:10:58 AM »
Hi Tom
This is captivating and emotionally raw, a clever and moving piece of writing.
Dave

Offline Tom 10

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Re: How Close
« Reply #14 on: October 09, 2015, 12:52:24 PM »
Mark, Freddy, and Dave - thanks for reading and commenting.  All FB is appreciated. :)