Author Topic: the burning house  (Read 910 times)

Offline youthful daughter

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the burning house
« on: October 01, 2015, 11:10:30 PM »
the burning house

startled out of bed
Beep Beep Beep
jumps up
feels the door
hot
climbs out the window
the family watches
Woof Woof
the trapped dog
the family waits
Weeo Weoo
the red truck
   brings hope
the family cries
burning memories
Woof Woof
the dog survived
the family stands,
speechless
the family is grateful.
they made it out alive.

Not even sure this is poetry, but I gave it a shot. Grade harshly.

Offline youthful daughter

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Re: the burning house
« Reply #1 on: October 01, 2015, 11:11:31 PM »
and the sounds are supposed to be italicized, but copy and paste failed me

Offline duck

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Re: the burning house
« Reply #2 on: October 02, 2015, 05:14:55 AM »
Hi
You have decide which time/tense you want this in. It jumps back and forth from present to past without clear sense.

overall too you need to decide what your intention is here including which kind of audience. Is this serious, for children, should it express the fear and tension, the relief, what exactly? At the moment it seems like a serious topic being done by Disney. The sounds - beep beep - are I'm afraid silly and add absolutely nothing, even for children.
What do want?
Dave


Offline Welsh Rarebit

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Re: the burning house
« Reply #3 on: October 02, 2015, 06:59:59 AM »
I sort of agree with Dave.  Im not sure who you are aiming this at.  Its an original idea so i think you should stick with it - just decide your audience and revise some of those words, as i agree they don't appeal to adults or children - unless you are writing something very surreal.

Offline Tom 10

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Re: the burning house
« Reply #4 on: October 02, 2015, 02:21:12 PM »
I like the simplicity.  
Think about reversing the first two lines.  I'm not sure which order would be preferable, but it is worth the thought.
The poem works in my view if you delete lines 13, 20 & 21.  
Let it stand, it's good.
 8)
T
« Last Edit: October 02, 2015, 02:23:02 PM by Tom 10 »

Offline youthful daughter

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Re: the burning house
« Reply #5 on: October 02, 2015, 05:44:05 PM »
thank you all, I'll be working on these revisions during the weekend

Offline youthful daughter

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Re: the burning house
« Reply #6 on: October 02, 2015, 05:46:03 PM »
the burning house

startled out of bed
jumps up
feels the door
hot
climbs out the window
the family watches
the trapped dog
the family waits
the red truck
the family cries
memories burn
the family stands,
speechless.