Log lines.

[FrankieG702]

Hi everyone. I was hoping to get some feedback on a few log lines I crafted for my script.
Do any of these spark your interest?

• When a blogger in Las Vegas witnesses a murder and loses the evidence, his attempt to retrieve it uncovers corporate corruption and murder.
• In Las Vegas a blogger attempts to locate the only evidence to a murder he witnessed.
• A suspense story of a food blogger in Las Vegas who witnesses a murder and uncovers corporate corruption when he attempts to locate the only evidence of the crime.
  
• An unemployed waiter and blogger in Las Vegas must find his lost phone in order to prove he witnessed a murder.
• A unemployed waiter and blogger in Las Vegas attempts to retrieve the only evidence to a murder he captured on video.
• A blogger in Las Vegas is thrust into a world of corporate corruption and murder when he attempts to retrieve the only evidence to a murder he witnessed.

[Makavelli]

The first one had me wanting to read the script immediately, the rest I felt were telling too much information. With a log line you want to sell the story, not tell it.

One important detail: try and come up with an adjective that describes the blogger, is he an alcoholic, a loner something that gives him depth.

Your on a good start, excellent idea, keep writing!!!

[matteo_catilo]

I think that it is an interesting premise, but maybe you could add in a few adjectives to describe the character and type of murder you are talking about?

[P_Sherlock70]

This is a very interesting premise and something I would want to read more of

[midnight candle]

‘A police chief, with a phobia for open water, battles a gigantic shark with an appetite for swimmers and boat captains, in spite of a greedy town council who demands that the beach stay open .’

Yes they spark interest, but look at the ingredients for the Jaws logline. Protagonist with his phobia of open water. A greedy, gigantic shark. A town council that doesn't want to lose out on the biggest payday of the year! Perfect conflict - Now look at yours. Do any of these loglines have those ingredients? They have to grab the reader right by the balls in 10 seconds!

And those key words WATER, APPETITE, GREEDY

[To a T]

Hi everyone. I was hoping to get some feedback on a few log lines I crafted for my script.
Do any of these spark your interest?

• When a blogger in Las Vegas witnesses a murder and loses the evidence, his attempt to retrieve it uncovers corporate corruption and murder.
• In Las Vegas a blogger attempts to locate the only evidence to a murder he witnessed.
• A suspense story of a food blogger in Las Vegas who witnesses a murder and uncovers corporate corruption when he attempts to locate the only evidence of the crime.
  
• An unemployed waiter and blogger in Las Vegas must find his lost phone in order to prove he witnessed a murder.
• A unemployed waiter and blogger in Las Vegas attempts to retrieve the only evidence to a murder he captured on video.
• A blogger in Las Vegas is thrust into a world of corporate corruption and murder when he attempts to retrieve the only evidence to a murder he witnessed.

I am drawn to #4 with the need to 'prove' something - it leads to complication & intrigue

[greyman]

Hi everyone. I was hoping to get some feedback on a few log lines I crafted for my script.
Do any of these spark your interest?

• When a blogger in Las Vegas witnesses a murder and loses the evidence, his attempt to retrieve it uncovers corporate corruption and murder.
• In Las Vegas a blogger attempts to locate the only evidence to a murder he witnessed.
• A suspense story of a food blogger in Las Vegas who witnesses a murder and uncovers corporate corruption when he attempts to locate the only evidence of the crime.
  
• An unemployed waiter and blogger in Las Vegas must find his lost phone in order to prove he witnessed a murder.
• A unemployed waiter and blogger in Las Vegas attempts to retrieve the only evidence to a murder he captured on video.
• A blogger in Las Vegas is thrust into a world of corporate corruption and murder when he attempts to retrieve the only evidence to a murder he witnessed.

1. Very clear. I don't know that it hooks me, per se, but I feel I know what to expect from the movie.
2. Meh, a bit short, doesn't really tell me why he's looking for the evidence.
3. A bit wordy, and I would avoid starting it by saying "a suspense story". Your logline should make it clear what genre the story is without specifying.
4. "Unemployed waiter and blogger" is not an instantly fascinating character, unfortunately. There's no issue at all with that being who the character is, but there's a reason the plot summary for Alien doesn't refer to Ripley as a "underpaid freightworker and single mother". However, this one has potential with some tweaking. I love a logline that says something like "X has 24 hours to recover his lost phone", something that tells me there is a deadline, and therefore, suspense.
5. "Attempts to retrieve" takes some of the emotion out of it. I kinda just picture him trying to knock it down from a tree or something, lol.
6. I'm a nitpicker, so I would recommend rephrasing the beginning of this one to "a Las Vegas blogger". The less words that don't directly convey your plot, the better. That being said, I really like this one. Probably my favorite of the bunch.

Good luck with the script!