Hi everyone. I was hoping to get some feedback on a few log lines I crafted for my script.
Do any of these spark your interest?
- When a blogger in Las Vegas witnesses a murder and loses the evidence, his attempt to retrieve it uncovers corporate corruption and murder.
- In Las Vegas a blogger attempts to locate the only evidence to a murder he witnessed.
- A suspense story of a food blogger in Las Vegas who witnesses a murder and uncovers corporate corruption when he attempts to locate the only evidence of the crime.
- An unemployed waiter and blogger in Las Vegas must find his lost phone in order to prove he witnessed a murder.
- A unemployed waiter and blogger in Las Vegas attempts to retrieve the only evidence to a murder he captured on video.
- A blogger in Las Vegas is thrust into a world of corporate corruption and murder when he attempts to retrieve the only evidence to a murder he witnessed.
1. Very clear. I don't know that it
hooks me, per se, but I feel I know what to expect from the movie.
2. Meh, a bit short, doesn't really tell me why he's looking for the evidence.
3. A bit wordy, and I would avoid starting it by saying "a suspense story". Your logline should make it clear what genre the story is without specifying.
4. "Unemployed waiter and blogger" is not an instantly fascinating character, unfortunately. There's no issue at all with that being who the character is, but there's a reason the plot summary for Alien doesn't refer to Ripley as a "underpaid freightworker and single mother". However, this one has potential with some tweaking. I love a logline that says something like "X has 24 hours to recover his lost phone", something that tells me there is a deadline, and therefore, suspense.
5. "Attempts to retrieve" takes some of the emotion out of it. I kinda just picture him trying to knock it down from a tree or something, lol.
6. I'm a nitpicker, so I would recommend rephrasing the beginning of this one to "a Las Vegas blogger". The less words that don't directly convey your plot, the better. That being said, I really like this one. Probably my favorite of the bunch.
Good luck with the script!