Author Topic: Screenplay-840 Words-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use.  (Read 5853 times)

Offline FrankieG702

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Re: Screenplay-Part 5-971 Words-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use.
« Reply #15 on: October 02, 2015, 07:29:56 AM »
Thanks for your useful feedback once again.

Offline FrankieG702

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Screenplay-Part 6--Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use W/C 400
« Reply #16 on: October 02, 2015, 02:05:34 PM »
KEVIN quickly ducks. 
The phone falls to his feet.
He's crouched with his back to the wall. 
Frantically, he retrieves his phone from the ground, clutching it in his right hand.
He pivots to face the wall and stays still for a few very long seconds. 
Holding the phone, he places his hands on the ledge as he slowly begins to stand.
His eyes peer over the top of the wall.


THE MAN IN BLACK is standing dead still and looking right at KEVIN.

KEVIN is completely upright now, petrified. 
The two men are staring right at each other. 
THE MAN IN BLACK keeps his eyes trained right on KEVIN,
pulls a phone from his pocket,
talks to somebody for less than two seconds,
and gets in his car. 

The tires squeal on the pavement as his car peels out.
KEVIN looks all around him, pacing back and forth in every direction,
practically walking in circles.

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck. Holy shit, man. What the fuck.

KEVIN runs towards his car, stops,
turns around and runs back to the
ledge where he left his phone. 

The sound of squealing tires on the
street below distracts him. 
He sees the man in black's car now
exiting the adjacent parking garage.

KEVIN watches as it speeds West
towards Las Vegas Boulevard. 
He runs to the West side of the garage,
leaving his phone on the ledge.
KEVIN sees the car just as it
turns North on Las Vegas Boulevard.


KEVIN makes a mad dash towards his phone. 
He clumsily knocks it off the ledge as he scrambles to grab it. 
KEVIN makes another mad dash towards his car as
he fishes his keys out of his pocket.

He drives two floors down, finds a parking space by the
entrance ramp, puts down his visor, and crouches in the seat. 

KEVIN waits until he sees the man in black's car speed up the
entrance ramp towards the top floor.  
He waits a couple of seconds to be sure the
coast is clear and gets out of there as
fast as he can without squealing his tires on
the pavement. 

Kevin's car disappears down the ramp.


THE MAN IN BLACK checks his firearm for rounds and re-holsters it.
He stealthily checks every car on the floor and
any nook or cranny where someone could hide. 
He looks South towards the adjacent parking garage. 
FRYE'S corpse is gone and his car is pulling away.

Offline FrankieG702

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Script-Aliens on Las Vegas Boulevard W/C 608
« Reply #17 on: October 04, 2015, 12:37:44 AM »
Hi. This is a new script I'm working on. The first part is set in the future on a distant planet annexed by Earth thousands of years ago. I'm hoping to know if the world I created is believable. Thanks.


URLIS NeCooper (21), a man in his early twenties is in his bedroom sitting up in his bed making short motions with his hands.
A large holographic image spans the entire wall in front of him. 
The view from his bedroom window shows a purple sky.
The hologram's definition is of cinematic quality and depicts a futuristic space battle. 
Space ships fly through the stars dodging asteroids and space monsters, firing, exploding.
The motions of Urlis' hands correspond to the action of one of the battleships as it maneuvers and fires upon its enemies. 
The door opens and Urlis' dad, URFUNG walks in.


Urlis is startled away from his video game as the hologram disappears and the lights to the bedroom flash on.

Work. Seventeen nemins.

URLIS makes a motion with his hands and a hologram of numbers appears right in front of him.


The last two digits increase by one at an interval of about three seconds.

Thank you dad. I'm actually starting an hour later than usual tonight but I still have to go.
Going to see Muinqa before work. 

Why the later start time?

The hologram disappears.

I'm training Trinq tonight. Traftin wants me to show him how to close.
As a matter of fact, I was hoping to borrow your pod for work tonight.
I'm still having that problem with the thrust regulator.

I wouldn't expect you to have that taken care of.
It's only been three moon cycles.
Sorry son, your mother and I have plans.

I can't have my pod breaking down while I'm training someone.

You may use the RP, if you'd like, but the fuel must be replaced.

Deliver pizza in a Recreational Pod?

Or your own pod which you've neglected to repair.
You know the ignition code.
Don't forget to replace the fuel if you use it.


URLIS is getting his work shirt from his pod which is hovering about six inches from the ground but inert as a boulder. 
His father's pod hovers between URLIS' pod and the Recreational Pod. 
The purple sky surrounds URLIS and the distance is vast in all directions
except his neighbor's homes and two moons that lurk in the East.
One of the moons appears to be very close, the other looms far away to the Northeast of the larger moon.

A WIDE SHOT reveals the entire neighborhood.
The houses are shaped like pyramids and hover in the air far, far up in the purple sky. 
All are black, of varying sizes and each have a beacon at the apex which shoots straight up and disappears into the sky. 
They all have landing docks in front for parking their pods.
Some landing docks are larger and more high-tech than the others.
URLIS walks to the front of the recreational pod and makes a short waving motion with his hand. 
The recreational pod lights up on the inside and out. 

URLIS makes another waving motion and the hatch opens. 
A circle of blue light at Urlis' feet lifts him up and in to the vehicle. 
URLIS waves again and the hatch closes.


URLIS makes a motion with both arms and is automatically strapped in to the seat.

Urlis. 1029384.

The recreational pod begins to vibrate quietly and its control panel lights up.

Woman's voice
Hello Urlis.

You're almost late for work.

Muinqa's please.

The pod begins to move in reverse.

No work today?

I'm closing tonight.

Offline FrankieG702

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Screenplay-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use W/C 640
« Reply #18 on: October 04, 2015, 03:24:01 PM »

The store-front parking spaces are all occupied, customers are coming in and out. 
KEVIN is on the payphone.    

KEVIN...all black, he had a hat on.


Like gray or dark blue maybe.

The Super Mart on Main, by The Tower.

KEVIN looks at the store behind him.


Jeans and a track jacket.

Hanging out by my car.

Gold Grand Marquis.


Kevin hangs up the phone and reaches in his car to grab a cigarette and some Visine. 
He applies the Visine, lights the cigarette and leans back against his car.
The observation tower at The Tower Hotel and Casino looms in the distance. 
The bungee jumpers look like they're not attached to anything.
Bodies fall from the top as Kevin soaks in the scenery and smokes.
A couple of STREET KIDS to whom Kevin pays no mind walk by and mildly harass him simply because he's there. 

Yo, chief! I got that fire.

An unmarked police vehicle finally arrives and a uniformed OFFICER steps out.


Mr. Bonham?


Kevin takes a drag of his cigarette.


KEVIN and DANIELLE are in bed. Kevin wears the same clothes from the previous night and is sitting up, on top of the covers. 
Danielle is under the covers but also sitting up.

...this is unbelievable. You had to hide? What if he saw you?
Kev, this is, this is..

I know.

You had to be scared out of your mind.

I was shittin' pink Twinkies.

Sad. Poor waiter. 
What if the guy is still looking for you?
You're not worried about that?

Nothing to worry about. 

He saw you and came after you.

Doesn't mean he can find me, or would recognize me for that matter.
There was distance between us. It was dark.

He's out there still. 

So are six hundred thousand other people. I saw his face too.

Are you going to call the detective?

I gotta get a new phone today.
He's supposed to call me.

Oh yeah. Shit. That's a few hundred bucks we don't need to spend right now.

I'll buy a cheap one.

Yeah, be conservative.
You think they'll catch the guy?

Eventually, yeah. I mean, there's security cameras everywhere.

Right. Especially in a hotel parking garage.
Maybe they caught him already.

Maybe he's halfway around the world by now freaking the fuck out.
That's where I'd be.

He wasn't freaked out, obviously.
He came right for you.
D, even if the guy was looking for me, which I doubt, how would he find me? 

I hope you hear from the cops today.
Oh, hey. Open house tonight, then I have to stop at my mom's.
I'll be home late.

I got that thing tonight at Venus.

Oh, right. What time?

Nine-thirty. Ralph'll go. Oh, and guess what? He's moving back to Chicago.

See that?

You called it.

Amy calls the shots in that relationship.
What you gonna do without your man crush?

Jealous? C'mere, I'll show you a man crush.

Kevin pulls her to him and they playfully roughhouse for a few moments. 
Kevin lets Danielle wrestle her way on top of him and pin his arms down.

Come right home after the thing tonight.
Don't go wandering The Strip with Ralph.

Right. Because the strangler in black is waiting for me.
You're a worry wart.

Danielle hops off of Kevin.

I have to get ready. Please just come right home.


Danielle exits.

Offline Carl Magnus

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Re: Screenplay-840 Words-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use.
« Reply #19 on: October 08, 2015, 02:57:21 PM »
Hi. The main problem with the dialogue, as I see it, is that the lines are too short (on average).

For example:
"We'll visit, you could visit."

How do people actually speak? They interrupt each other, express their feelings etc. Some like the sound of their own voice more than others. I think you need to work more on the personalities of each character - to think about what they're like and what they would say.

Offline w.yn.

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Re: Screenplay-840 Words-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use.
« Reply #20 on: November 14, 2015, 01:50:52 AM »
Your first section caught my attention, but lost me by the second and third. My biggest complaint is your dialogue is very choppy and needs a bit more meaning to it. Sometimes the lines seem to have no real purpose in moving the scene forward.