Author Topic: Where I'm from  (Read 885 times)

Offline youthful daughter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 54
Where I'm from
« on: September 14, 2015, 10:44:19 PM »
Where I'm from

I'm from thick glasses,
  From squinting and jumbled letters.
I'm from the backyard pond,
  From the dirt beneath my fingernails.
I'm from the willow tree,
 whose long vines I forged into crowns.
I'm from my grandmother's dining table,
 From the intricate china plates, and stained tablecloth.

I'm from extreme snowball fights,
 forgetting all friendships for the moment.
I'm from a yellow Labrador,
 From a battered leash,and sloppy kisses.
I'm from sunday school,
from bible parables, and my rosary.
I'm from the monster under my bed,
  From flashlights and eerie dreams.
I'm from neighbors,
 From shared ingredients, from bonfires.

I'm from all these memories,
that have been tucked away,
but never forgotten.

Do me a favor and grade harshly.  :)

Offline Welsh Rarebit

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 463
Re: Where I'm from
« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2015, 05:05:48 AM »
I love the energy in this it really bounds along nicely.  Id drop the last stanza and add another 'Im from" but make it a real jaw dropper!

Good work

Offline Mark H

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 19722
  • Middleclass Machismo now available.
Re: Where I'm from
« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2015, 05:10:28 AM »
Do me a favor and grade harshly.  :)

No need. It's good.

You need to be consistent with your use of caps. My recommendation would be to use normal rules of punctuation.

I agree with WR about the last strophe but I accept that it will be hard to achieve.

Buy Bristle Side Down, The Man Who Wore Brown Shoes and Middleclass Machismo here:

If poetry is not your thing: or:

Offline bri h

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 18523
Re: Where I'm from
« Reply #3 on: October 01, 2015, 02:31:42 PM »
Well you asked to be graded harshly . . . .so here goes.

1. I love it.
2. Yep, still love it.
3. Sorry for the 'harshness'.

ha ha. It's superb reading. I think it's very 'showy'. I 'saw' all your memories. That's a very powerful poem you have there. If I was gonna 'fiddle with it, it would only be to add, 'I'm from the sum of all parts of my family'. Or words to that effect. Great work. B.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Tom 10

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8850
Re: Where I'm from
« Reply #4 on: October 03, 2015, 11:05:33 AM »
I agree w/WR that the last stanza needs to go.  All of the momentum of the poem is lost in what comes across as a needless summary of what you want the reader to glean from the poem. 
I'd be comfortable with the poem ending with 'I'm from the monster under my bed' 8) 8)

The rest of the poem is wonderful.