Katelyn –
You have obvious talent for writing. I found this poem engaging, and despite my misgivings, enjoyed spending some time with it. Some poetry sites forbid re-writing someone’s poem even for illustrative purposes. There is no such rule here, but still I am always uncomfortable tinkering too much. Doesn’t always stop me, though.
Here is what I found in your words to make the poem:
Kind of Pathetic Poem
the very good looking girl
who works at the coffee shop
answered my questioning presence
with a gunshot from the eyes, so
I smoked too many cigarettes
and slunk back to my car.
I sat in stone air thinking
about the shock of rising early
to find a world covered in dew–
the peace and temptation that is
being the sun and wanting
to lick the dew from
a blade of wet grass
shivering beneath.
My misgivings about spending time with this poem and posting comments stem from your apparent reluctance to participate in the give and take of the site. Most of the writers here want to improve their writing by getting honest feedback. Part of the process is giving as well. The guideline is to post three comments on other poets’ work for each poem of your own that you post. No one is keeping exact tallies, but it can’t continue to be a one-way street.
The more you participate the more comments you can expect to garner for your work. Just to let you know, this is my last post concerning your work until you are more fully engaged on the site.
T
