Author Topic: Playing with potions.  (Read 1183 times)

Offline cwhill

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Playing with potions.
« on: August 25, 2015, 05:15:27 PM »
Two young children playing with potions.
Set the gears of journey in motion.
Kaleidoscopic crystals that fill them with affection, coupled with drops of universal connection.


Two young lovers dancing with fire.
Pushing the limits of their desire.
Play with matches and you get burned, just one of the lessons that must be learned.


One shattered heart, left bitter and angry.
Alone in the shadows with no one beside me.
The roads have forked now our journey is over, but we look on a head knowing life makes us stronger.


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I would just like to point out that I do not consider myself a writer. I have never really thought of writing a poem before. This is a weird manifestation of a recent event in my life, I just thought to share it.

Offline Welsh Rarebit

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Re: Playing with potions.
« Reply #1 on: August 26, 2015, 08:33:02 AM »
Just tidied it up - I found the long lines a little distracting - changed some of the wording too for the sake or rhyme/rhythm

two young children playing with potions.
setting the gears of journey in motion.
kaleidoscope crystals that fill with affection,
with droplets of universal connection.


two young lovers dancing with fire.
pushing the limits of their desire.
play with matches and you get burned,
one of the lessons that must be learned.


one shattered heart, left bitter and angry.
alone in the shadows with no one beside me.
the roads have forked now our journey is over,
but look on ahead knowing life makes us stronger.


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« Last Edit: August 26, 2015, 08:35:01 AM by Welsh Rarebit »

Offline MarcusB

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Re: Playing with potions.
« Reply #2 on: August 26, 2015, 10:21:25 AM »
i like this - Like it better without the long lines too :)  And the one correction i was going to point out "look on a head" you already fixed.  This says a lot - paints a nice vision, and speaks to a lot of us.  "playing with potions", "dancing with fire" -- dead-on-center.  You pull at emotional strings, which is good.  It helps the reader connect.  For me, i'd replace
"the roads have forked now our journey is over,"
with
the roads have forked now it's our journey no longer,
- same rhythm pattern but gives strong rhyme to last line.

Offline The Senator

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Re: Playing with potions.
« Reply #3 on: August 26, 2015, 10:35:27 AM »
OOO I like "children playing with poitions"! Interesting poem indeed. I think "Play with matches and you get burned" is a bit generic though..  ;)

Offline cwhill

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Re: Playing with potions.
« Reply #4 on: August 26, 2015, 03:23:02 PM »
Wow. Thank you for the kind responses. I was hesitant to check back on this as I was sure I was going to be ripped to shreds. I really like the revisions Welsh Rarebit has made. I saw the "a head" as soon as I posted, but I think my new member status disallows post edits. The feedback here has really boosted my confidence. What a great community.  ;D

Offline Laura H

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Re: Playing with potions.
« Reply #5 on: August 26, 2015, 05:58:47 PM »
Hi Cwhill,

Please take a moment to post an introduction on the Welcome Board so we can greet you properly-

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?board=1.0

You'll also want to read the rules for the poetry board so you know the ropes-

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=10400.0

Thanks & welcome to MWC
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ― Maya Angelou

“Don't be like the rest of them, darling.” ― Eudora Welty

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Playing with potions.
« Reply #6 on: August 30, 2015, 12:23:03 PM »
You have some good things going in this poem.  The cadence is close, and generally pleasing.  You have eased the form a bit in places and that can be a very good thing.  What I like best is the way the narration moves the story.
Keep writing.

T

Offline selketjah

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Re: Playing with potions.
« Reply #7 on: August 31, 2015, 06:15:27 AM »
I really enjoyed reading your poem.
I like how it moves from a general form to a personal one in the last verse (alone in the shadows with no one beside me).
I would have kept that in the last line too.