Author Topic: Arboretum  (Read 1196 times)

Offline Tom 10

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Arboretum
« on: August 28, 2015, 03:13:47 PM »



    Arboretum
 
The path cycles through again
the same small surrenders,
gurgling, bends in the creek-
crayfish asking for air.

I look back and see the flash of
flesh in greenery of the woods, 
a place where hope and hormones
held our clothes.




Offline Mark T

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Re: Arboretum
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2015, 03:17:41 PM »

Nice work, Ty. Maybe look at 'path' inadvertently being the subject up to the end of L3.

Belay that - it is the subject of the stanza, right? Smacks forehead.
« Last Edit: August 28, 2015, 03:21:39 PM by Mark T »

Offline kateD

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Re: Arboretum
« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2015, 03:51:10 PM »
Good work T.

S2 reads straightforward -- clear imagery and clever wordsmithing. S1 is open to interpretation, which adds depth. "The path cycles through again" can take on different levels of meaning. But I do wonder, of all the fishes in the creeks, why crayfish? ;-)

K.

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Arboretum
« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2015, 04:09:37 PM »
Mark, Kate, thanks for the reading and comments.

Kate-  crayfish are complex little creatures that are the biggest things living in the creek in the Arb.  Grabby claws, too. :)

Offline kateD

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Re: Arboretum
« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2015, 04:30:30 PM »
Mark, Kate, thanks for the reading and comments.

Kate-  crayfish are complex little creatures that are the biggest things living in the creek in the Arb.  Grabby claws, too. :)

I know them well -- as crawfish around here. I was just wondering why that species got represented. Maybe it was the grabby little claws? ;-)

Offline Mark T

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Re: Arboretum
« Reply #5 on: August 28, 2015, 04:33:43 PM »

I would hazard perhaps because they have feelers, and you can see them 'asking' for air as opposed to fish going more bug-eyed, ha ha.

BTW, what we call call crayfish here are the oceanic crustaceans you call lobster, although we also call them lobsters.   
« Last Edit: August 28, 2015, 04:35:44 PM by Mark T »

Offline drab

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Re: Arboretum
« Reply #6 on: August 29, 2015, 10:43:48 PM »
Sad and sweet Tom.
'hormones' is the only snag for me. The sonics are good, but....
Very nice though.
Regards
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Arboretum
« Reply #7 on: August 30, 2015, 10:09:41 AM »
Thanks drab - We really need to see much more of you here. 8)

Offline Mark T

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Re: Arboretum
« Reply #8 on: August 30, 2015, 10:33:18 AM »

The revision is parsed now - so much so I'm wondering about L2 S2 ,,, wooded greenery...?

Overall, I prefer the revision... good work all round. 
 

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Arboretum
« Reply #9 on: August 30, 2015, 10:52:31 AM »
Thanks Mark.  I would like to nix the 'of' as you suggest, but the cost is an adjective for noun trade-off, and the loss of the four consecutive light-stressed syllables with an end-line accent.   No can do. 8)

Offline Kowboy

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Re: Arboretum
« Reply #10 on: August 30, 2015, 11:22:01 AM »
Nice.

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Arboretum
« Reply #11 on: August 30, 2015, 11:51:57 AM »
Thanks Kowboy.

Offline Mark H

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Re: Arboretum
« Reply #12 on: August 31, 2015, 06:21:47 AM »
I really like S2 a lot. I don't think you need "of the woods" though.

I'd also put "of" at the start of L2 but I assume you have your reasons for not doing so.

M
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Offline bri h

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Re: Arboretum
« Reply #13 on: August 31, 2015, 11:37:00 AM »
Last S for me. Being of 'that age' where everything seems to be a nostalgic look back thru rose-coloured windows, I see things differently. It ALL works up to the ultimate goal. A look back in longing at the birth of sexuality and the constant drive of hormones to the prize . . . love . . . and lust.

An excellent poem T. (but you already knew this, didn't you? ha ha)
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx