Author Topic: a scene from my tv show Abigail van helsing  (Read 2923 times)

Offline Chandlers

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a scene from my tv show Abigail van helsing
« on: August 24, 2015, 05:15:13 PM »








Abigail
VAN HELSING



EPISODE 101


“Pilot”


WRITTEN BY
Chandler edwards











FADE IN

INT. THERAPIST OFFICE. MORNING

We see an old looking therapist room in the room we see a therapist in his late thirties sitting on a old wooden chair. We turn to the patient, a six-teen year old girl named ABIGAIL VAN HELSING she’s wearing a black t-shirt, blue jeans and a white coat. She starts to talk about what's wrong.

ABIGAIL
It's been a long year with all the
Stress and problems I've been having.
School has been hard on me, especially
This year. I think maybe I could have a
Problem... My family thinks I'm weird, They
think I might have a serious problem..
I don't know maybe I'm just being crazy..
I mean you can't just change.. I don't think
.. I mean I had a good child hood, Good friends,
great family... You  know Maybe I did change
(TURNING TO THE THERAPIST)
You wouldn't know anything about changing
Would you, MR JEKIL

Mr JEKIL looks at Abigail thinking she knows something.

MR JEKIL
My friends call me HYDE

Abigail sits up and leans in closer to Mr Jekil

ABIGAIL
Where did the name come from?

MR JEKIL
It represents another side of me

ABIGAIL
What type of side?

MR JEKIL
A bad side

Abigail sits backwards like she's about to see a show

ABIGAIL
Show me

MR JEKIL
What?
ABIGAIL
Come on, show me the bad side

MR JEKIL
I'll stick with the good

ABIGAIL
But that's not as fun... ok, ok
How about know

Abigail takes out a gun and points it at his head

ABIGAIL
Come on. That the beast run wild

Mr JEKIL starts to grip his seat harder and HARDER

MR JEKIL
Is the gun necessary?

ABIGAIL
With you? Yes

MR JEKIL
I haven't done anything

ABIGAIL
Really than what happened to all of
Your patients

Abigail takes out a folder from her jacket and throws it down onto the table

ABIGAIL
Everyone of your patients seem to
Go missing

Mr JEKIL
I'm innocent

Abigail
Tell the truth!

Mr JEKIL starts to laugh

Mr JEKIL
Ok
 
MR JEKIL starts to Change, his teeth start to sharpen, his hair starts to grow everywhere, he starts to tower Abigail in hight. He leans his head right to Abigail’s

MR JEKIL
(GROWLING)
You got me!

ABIGAIL looks right at him looking surprised at how much he changed

ABIGAIL
Oh yeah

Abigail flips backwards over the sofa and loads her gun. Suddenly Dr JEKIL flips the sofa out the window. Abigail turns and starts two shoot at him But The bullets just fly off of him

DR JEKIL
NICE TRY!

ABIGAIL
THANKS!

Abigail runs and jumps out the smashed window.

EXT. OUTSIDE THERAPIST HOUSE, MORNING

Abigail lands on the floor, two seconds later Dr JEKIL comes flying over her and lands in front of her

ABIGAIL
Nice jump

Abigail puts her hands her coat and takes out two swords. She slides through his legs and slices both of them. DR JEKIL roars as loud as he can.

Abigail leaps over Dr JEKIL. And stabs the two swords into his shoulders. He screams into the air and falls to his knees.

Abigail land on the floor and takes out two ELECTRONIC POWER BUZZERS. And puts around her hands.

Abigail jumps in the air and smashes the two buzzers onto Dr JEKIL’S face.

The buzzers send Dr JEKIL into an electric state he tries to get back up but he just can't. he gives up and falls to the floor

Abigail takes out the swords from Dr JEKIL and puts them back into her coat.

Abigail
(Breathing heavily)
Another one down

hillwalker3000

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Re: a scene from my tv show Abigail van helsing
« Reply #1 on: August 24, 2015, 07:07:46 PM »
Since this is presumably a script it might receive more feedback on the Review My Script board.

But I'd advise you to rewrite this before you repost so that it makes sense to whoever reads it.


We see an old looking therapist room in the room we see a therapist . . .  ???

H3K

Offline TheOtherAdrian

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Re: a scene from my tv show Abigail van helsing
« Reply #2 on: August 25, 2015, 10:51:17 AM »
Hi Chandlers!

You seem to post a lot of work on here without ever reacting to feedback or offering feedback to others. I suggest you work on your attitude, possibly taking another look at the guidelines, before posting any more work.

For reference, here are the previous three threads you started:
http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=57138.0
http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=57075.0
http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=56484.0

Good luck!
- Adrian

Tony_A20

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Re: a scene from my tv show Abigail van helsing
« Reply #3 on: August 30, 2015, 10:18:02 AM »
Hello Chandlers,

I too have a suggestion: learn how to format a screenplay on a forum.

Your presentation is unreadable. Here is a forum link which explains how to set up a screenplay post:

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=49023.msg867941#msg867941

Tony

Offline Gyppo

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Re: a scene from my tv show Abigail van helsing
« Reply #4 on: August 30, 2015, 11:49:28 AM »
I'm probably giving this more time than it deserves, but sometimes I just can't help it.

Do you read your own work before posting it here?  I don't mean just glance at it, but read it properly.  To see what it says, not what you think it says.

Do you ever picture the scenes in your mind, rather than just seeing them as words on a screen?  These are serious questions, and below are a few examples of why I asked.

'Abigail flips backwards over the sofa and loads her gun. Suddenly Dr JEKIL flips the sofa out the window. Abigail turns and starts two shoot at him But The bullets just fly off of him.'

Apart from the spelling error, two instead of to, there are plausibility concerns here.  You've already established that Abigail knew about the Doctor and was there to get him.  She wouldn't wait until the middle of the fight to load her gun.  If you mean she cocked it - prepared it to fire by pulling back the hammer or slide, then say so.  But she'd probably be carrying it cocked and locked, ready to fire as soon as she thumbs off the safety catch.

From a writer's viewpoint you don't start to shoot, you just shoot.  Too many words between thought and action.  Otherwise you may as well say 'she began to think about preparing to start shooting', which sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?

===

'Abigail puts her hands her coat and takes out two swords. She slides through his legs and slices both of them. DR JEKIL roars as loud as he can.

Abigail leaps over Dr JEKIL. And stabs the two swords into his shoulders. He screams into the air and falls to his knees.

Abigail land on the floor and takes out two ELECTRONIC POWER BUZZERS. And puts around her hands.'

The first six words make no sense.  I guess you intended to have the word in between her and coat, but the reader shouldn't have to guess what the author intended to write.

I quite liked the action of sliding between his legs and cutting them both, although she'd have to be slim, fast, and extremely skilled to pull it off.  (I'm getting a Buffy The Vampire Slayer image here.  She wasn't too convincing either, but she had some nice moves.)

The two swords, one into each shoulder is just pure theatrical hokum, Ninja potboiler low budget movie or computer game  stuff.  Plus, if the man's bullet proof, why do the swords work?  If he's wearing Kevlar body armour under his clothes it will turn a sword point.

And what the hell is a POWER BUZZER?  If you mean a stun-gun - a hand-held two prong Taser rather than the dart firing version - just say so.  The name is well enough known by now to be treated as a generic term, like the ubiquitous Glock for a handgun.

Finally, the kind of person who carries and uses a sword wouldn't put it away without wiping the blade on the victim's clothing.  (Theatrically this is a good move, as it implies blood without having to slosh stage blood around by the gallon.  Audiences will see blood which isn't even there if the actor plays the part  properly.)

===

In summary, sort out your spellling and your missing words.  Don't trust the spellchecker.  It has no idea whether you mean two, to, or too.  Then run your scenes through a visual filter to see if they make any sense at all.

Gyppo
« Last Edit: August 31, 2015, 08:11:35 PM by Gyppo »
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