Author Topic: Review My Comedy Script  (Read 14375 times)

Offline Duke22122

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Review My Comedy Script
« on: August 03, 2015, 02:38:52 PM »
I am not a writer. I've always loved comedy movies and always wanted to give a script a shot. So i`ll post a link to it below. Just looking for some honest feedback. I know it will be rough since I am not a writer.

The movie is a teen comedy. Will the main character is having a weekend to himself while his parents are out of town. Friendships are tested, Bets are made and plenty of alcohol is consumed in this raunchy teen comedy.

http://www.docdroid.net/Pht0wc5/will-and-greg-copy.pdf.html

Offline Clarius

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Re: Review My Comedy Script
« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2015, 03:08:39 PM »
Cardinal rule of the circle is we don't/won't trust links from newbies, or much anyone else for that matter. Paste your prose and we'll certainly have a look. Welcome.
O wad some Pow'r the giftie gie us
To see oursels as others see us

 - Robert Burns

Offline Duke22122

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Re: Review My Comedy Script
« Reply #2 on: August 03, 2015, 03:15:14 PM »
ok Thanks

Offline Duke22122

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Re: Review My Comedy Script
« Reply #3 on: August 03, 2015, 03:22:38 PM »
Can only post 20000 limit for characters. Couldn't even cut it in half and make two posts out of it. Here is another link if anyone trusts this website...

http://www.icomedytv.com/Comedy-Scripts/Funny/View/Script/985/Will-Greg.aspx

Offline Duke22122

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Re: Review My Comedy Script
« Reply #4 on: August 03, 2015, 03:45:09 PM »
Alice posting. You'll understand when you read it I hope.


I'm sorry Duke. Due to going way over the word limit I mentioned earlier, I've copied your post and returned it back to you.

We simply can't allow one person to post over 3,000 words and expect others to follow our guidelines.

Please read and follow guidelines. You'll find them on some of the boards when you first click on the board's name. Look to the left and the guidelines will be first or near the first of the list named something similar to "Read This First" or the word "Guidelines" may appear in the subject line.

Alice


« Last Edit: August 03, 2015, 04:11:17 PM by Alice, a Country Gal »

Offline Duke22122

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Re: Review My Comedy Script
« Reply #5 on: August 03, 2015, 04:09:38 PM »
968 words..

Will & Greg

Written By
Will Dukeman

1/20/2015


1


EXT. OPENING SCENE - TACO BELL 00:04:20

Greg and Will, both a medium build and 18 years old, pull
into a taco bell to order food through the drive through in
a car.

DRIVE THROUGH ATTENDANT
Can I take your order?


GREG
Ah... Ya can I get a grande meal...
and a number seven with a baja
blast for the drink.


DRIVE THROUGH ATTENDANT
Crunchy or soft for the tacos?


GREG
Crunchy.


DRIVE THROUGH ATTENDANT
Is that it?


GREG
Will do you want anything?


WILL
(Will leans closer to the drivers
side window from the passenger
seat.)
Ah... No that's not it... Can we
also get a number eight, crunchy
with no lettuce and a diet soda.


DRIVE THROUGH ATTENDANT
Ok is that it?


GREG
Ya that's it.

DRIVE THROUGH ATTENDANT
That Will be $24.96, please pull
forward.

Greg pulls the car forward in line behind a car.

WILL

(Laughing)
Dude, do you think you ordered
enough food?

GREG
Shut the fuck up you ordered three
tacos with no lettuce and a diet
soda! Be a man and eat some food
for once.

WILL
Fuck off! Your going to do the same
thing you do every time. Your going
to eat your number 7 and get about
halfway through the grande meal,
get full, and than throw out the
rest of it.

Greg looks at Will with a stupid look on his face smiling
because he knows Will is right. Greg pulls the car forward
to the window.

DRIVE THROUGH ATTENDANT
It's $24.96.

Greg hands the Drive through attendant $25. She hands him
back the receipt with the change.


GREG
Thanks.


The food comes out and Greg takes it from the attendant and
hands it to Will in the passenger seat.

GREG
Thanks.


DRIVE THROUGH ATTENDANT
No problem, have a nice day.

GREG
You too.


Greg pulls away and parks in the parking lot. They both
start opening there tacos and start eating them.

GREG
So when is your mom leaving to go
see your dad for the weekend?

WILL
I'm driving her to the airport
Friday morning.

GREG
Where his he again?


WILL
Pittsburgh.


GREG

Nice, nice, so we going to have the
(MORE)


GREG (CONT'D)
whole weekend to do what ever and
throw a party?

WILL

Sort of.

GREG

Sort of?... What the hell does that

mean?

WILL

My sister is going to be there the

whole weekend because my parents

don't trust me with the house. So a

party is going to be dependant on

her.

GREG

YES!!! so this is the weekend I

become your brother in law huh?

huh?

Greg nudges Wills shoulder with his elbow.

WILL

Your and idiot. You have a better

chance of finishing that grande

meal than becoming my brother

in-law. And we both know you've

never finished one. Plus she has a

boyfriend and they have been

together for like, 2 years. Your

dreaming.

GREG
Whatever, your just pissed because
your sister wants my nuts and there
is nothing you can do about it.


WILL
Nothing I can do about it? I'll
beat your ass that's what i'll do.

GREG
I would like to see your no
lettuce, diet soda drinking ass try
too?

WILL
Whatever, keep eating half a grande
meal and a number 7 and see what
happens in a few years... fat ass.

GREG
Fat ass? Try looking in the mirror
tubby, you wish you looked as good
as this.

Greg Bites into another taco with 5 big bites eating the
entire taco.

GREG
I'm starting to get a little full.

WILL
Shocker. not going to finish the
grande meal again.

GREG
Fuck up lets get out of here.

They consolidate the leftover trash into one bag and Greg
pulls out of the parking lot.


6


Title up - Will & greg


INT. WILLS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM 00:06:51

Greg and Will are sitting on the couch watching tv.

WILL
There's nothing ever good on tv
this time of day.


GREG
That's because it's Wednesday, your
parents are too cheap and they have
basic cable.


WILL
True, True. Fucking insane! 120
channels of just pure shit!


Will flips to a channel with Dr. Phil on it.

DR. PHIL
What bothers you the most about
this relationship.


WOMAN ON DR. PHIL
My husbands says it's my job to
fill his stomach and empty his
balls.


GREG
Yes! That guy knows what's up!


Will switches to a nature channel that has some hippos in a



small pond.


WILL
Oh sweat nature channel.


GREG
I'm not watching this. If you want
to watch a bunch of hippos swimming
around just put honey boo boo on.
Didn't they just get a swimming
pool or something?

WILL
(laughing)
I don't know.


Will keeps flipping through the channels. Linda (Wills
mother) walks into the room with a large glass of wine and a
little tipsy.

LINDA
Hello boys.


GREG
Hi Mrs. Anderson.


LINDA
What are you guys up too?


GREG

(with a sarcastic tone)
Just waiting for you to leave on
Friday so we can throw a rager.

LINDA

Very funny Greg, Mr. Anderson would
(MORE)


LINDA (CONT'D)
drown you both in the pool if you
did that.

GREG

(With Sarcastic tone)
I guess that is a risk we are going
to have to take.

LINDA
Your too funny Greg.

GREG
Well you know, I try.

LINDA
Will, can you bring me up the
suitcases from the basement so I
can clean them for Friday.

WILL
Ya, ya I Will.


LINDA
Today! Please.

WILL
(In a long drawn out
voice)

Yup.

Linda walks out of the room.

GREG
Is your mom drunk?


9


WILL
Is that a serious question? It's
after 10am of course she is drunk.

Offline TheOtherAdrian

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Re: Review My Comedy Script
« Reply #6 on: August 04, 2015, 02:24:28 AM »
Hi Duke!

Personally, I didn't find this funny at all. Repeatedly hearing the word "fuck" just doesn't crack me up like it used to. Maybe the jokes start coming in the second act, but if so, you need to shorten the first act significantly. If you're writing drama, you need to create drama from the beginning, and if you're writing comedy, you need jokes from the very beginning. Otherwise, viewers will just turn their TV off before they even get to the good part.

In my opinion, it's also not a good idea to name your main character after yourself (or anyone you know personally, for that matter). Unless you're writing an autobiography. Then it's kind of required.

- Adrian

Tony_A20

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Re: Review My Comedy Script
« Reply #7 on: August 30, 2015, 10:25:31 AM »
It would help if your read the Sticky at the start of the thread concerning script formatting. Especially,

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=49023.msg867941#msg867941

Tony

Offline FrankieG702

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Re: Review My Comedy Script
« Reply #8 on: September 30, 2015, 05:35:03 PM »
Hi. I thought it was pretty funny man. I especially liked the woman on Dr. Phil. Her line was hysterical.. I seriously laughed out loud. I like how you set up the premise and the characters. Nice job. Keep working on it and posting excerpts. I'm into it.