second draft : "Where I met my double"

[MaryRuth]

The forum has several text changes set and ready to use if you wish.

In the text box when you are posting, take a look above the box. You'll see lots of little buttons just waiting for you to use. All you have to do is highlight (drag your mouse over) the text you wish to do something with, then click the appropriate button.

I can change this line to bold with a click of my finger.

I can even go back and also (when highlighted) and make any number of other changes. As you can see, I also changed the color and size of font.

If you click Quote after reading this (upper right hand corner above post) it will show up in a new text box and you will  see all the commands I managed by the click of a few buttons.

Hope this helps.

Thanks very much, Alice. I'm a bit rubbish at these things! Silly question maybe, but does it make a difference if you're using an IPad?

[Artemis Quark]

Thanks very much, Alice. I'm a bit rubbish at these things! Silly question maybe, but does it make a difference if you're using an IPad?

Hi MaryRuth,

I use an IPad 2 for most of my work. The buttons Alice points out work fine.

Example:

I highlighted some text in your post after hitting the quote button, then clicked the red 'A' button to select a different font (you need to change the default Verdana font by highlighting and deleting 'Verdana' and typing in your choice, like I chose Ariel in this example).

Then I clicked the I button to make the highlighted text iltalic followed by clicking the button with an A followed by the up and down arrow to change font size (default is 10 pts, I doubled it to 20).

And lastly, I clicked change color to make the highlighted text red. Note you don't have to re-select/highlight each time if the same group of text is what you want to change.

Just be sure the bracketed html codes show up in the right places. If the end tag, the tag that starts with a forward slash, /, is missing, then whatever change you've made will apply to the end of the post. Hope this is clear enough.

AQ

P.S. Sorry for the highjack, Catherine. Looking forward to your next edit after returning from no-screen holiday. Maybe this should be in the helpful hints thread? Alice, can you move it?

[Alice, a Country Gal]

I'm glad AQ answered about the IPad because I don't use one, thus had no idea about the answer.

One of the great things about this site - we have so many active members that someone almost always knows the answer to such questions. 

[Emery]

I post this before going away for two weeks in a no-screen space-time. I am not too happy about it (the draft, not the space-time). I'll keep on working on it and try to go on with the story (but the ideas I come up with are more a matter of teenage literature). It will be back to paper and pen though!

Where I met my double

   I read once that we all have six doubles on earth. Chances to meet one  seem scarce indeed. I met mine, and it led me into much more trouble than you would imagine. Like h3k said, addressing the reader like this just turns me off. I like the opening line, but would probably work it in somewhere else.

   We were on the motorway, heading for the ocean in scorching heat I think you need a 'the scorching heat'. The lack of article either made me think something of the ocean or it brought up connotations of a dog in heat. Probably just me.. Mum was struggling to pass a speeding truck. My sister and I were fighting for space in the back seat, and Harry, Mum's new boyfriend, slept  next to her. Can you smooth out the preceding two lines?The car was packed up to the roof with tents, sleeping bags, surf boards and suitcases, so we hardly had any room for ourselves.

   ''I give up'', said Mum. ''Let's stop and have lunch, I'm tired  of driving.'' And she headed for the service area.

   I felt so jammed and scrambled that I burst out of the car before it was fully stopped, sighing with relief, and Sian, my sister, soon followed me. Meanwhile, Mum tried to wake up stupid Harry. I was looking for a public mist spray to cool down when I heard Sian exclaim : ''Watch, Mum, watch, he looks like Tim!'' I raised my eyes and I thought I saw myself across the parking lot.
   ''Incredible! Amazing!'', Mum repeated in awe. The boy was staring straight at me, while his father called to us : ''Brothers! Brothers !'' This might be me too, but if I saw a kid who looks just like my other kid my first reaction would be "what the fuck is going on here?" I wouldn't be hollering out 'brother, brother'. At worst, I would be looking at the mom and trying to place her. A college indiscretion catching up with you.

    It was a strange moment : I recognized everything in him, from his thin features to his tall figure, his thick hair and the way his neck stood between his broad shoulders. odd colon placement.Mum had already crossed the road to meet them, and Sian and I joined the small group. As I got closer, I could see that the ressemblance was uncanny: we were alike down to the last dimple!!--I hate exclamation points anytime they do not appear in quotes and even then put them under heavy scrutiny.
''Hi!'' I said, blushing. My head buzzed and my neck tingled with self-consciousness. Same thing here. Exclamation of Hi followed by shyness and self-consciousness doesn't jive for me.
''Hello me! I just couldn't believe my eyes when I saw you. What's your name?'' He seemed slightly older than me, and he was definitely less shy.And speaks like someone plucked from another century. To me, this is too well formed for the dialogue of a kid.

 ''I'm Tim''. I tried to sound jolly, but my voice squeaked.jolly works for describing Santa and fat, jovial people. Not so much here. I held out my hand, which he took between both of his, squeezing it while he said : I'm not feeling the colon.

''Wow, Tim, you make my day, boy! We are sure like two drops of water! I'm Arthur by the way, my friends call me Art.'' He let go of my hand and we turned to the others. Mum and his dad were engaged in conversation, and Sian was explaining the situation to Harry, whose mouth stayed open in surprise as he stared from Arthur to me and back again.

''Well'', Arthur's dad said, ''we must get going, but these boys will sure want to swap addresses.''

''Here'', Sian took out a pen and a notebook from her handbag.

   This is how it all started.

Again, I like the premise of the story and can see tons of directions you may go here. I forget if this is a short story or long piece; however, I would consider the opening a major scene. Deleting the first and last paragraphs, the total is 400 words. Say you edit out 10%, you've got approximately 350 words, over just about a page and a half, to accomplish a lot--orient the reader to time, space, scene, introduce major characters, introduce conflict, set a tone/mood/voice, etc.

The gist of this, I think you are looking at this as a way to start your story. The majority of what's really important happens after this scene, this is in essence a setup. At least, that's how you are writing it. I can tell you want this to be the hook and tee up what is coming next instead of allowing the scene to have enough meat and substance to stand on its own. I think you should focus more on the scene as an individual entity. Make it work with a beginning, middle, and end. Make sure you have enough conflict in someway (currently there is almost none). Let us linger in some of the big moments--spying the "twin", the interaction between them.

Anyway, just the way I see things. Good luck!

[Catherine F]

Thank you to all of you for reviewing this second draft ! I took a long time acknowledging it, sorry about it.
Unmair and Lonnielong, I just want to say that in my part of the world/culture, young boys can blush out of embarrassment and a feeling of awkwardness, with no sexual connotation.
Shadowboxer thanks to you for your link.
Owl thanks for your comments, I am pleased that you  the blushing.
Clarius and H3k I agree about the rushed feeling you sense, I see exactly what you mean.
H3k, I'm into the punctuation problem : I've been directed to specialized sites, and I got hold of a copy of 'Elements of style'. Your comments are very helpful and I will carefully re-read them and use them.
Clarius, I put the 'Tales of  Hoffman' on my reading list, I read it a long time ago and have no precise memory. Then I'll look up for Freud's comments on it (I believe it is about 'The Sandman', isn't it?)
MaryRuth, don' worry about the formatting, I managed to read allright, thanks for your helpfull advice.
AQ I really appreciate your encouragement !
Emery, your comments are precious. I think you're right about the lack of conflict. The whole thing lacks structure and punch. I will consider rewriting it, but I find the more I come back on a text, the  more boring it becomes.

[RamblingRose]

Good to see you back Catherine! 

I will consider rewriting it, but I find the more I come back on a text, the  more boring it becomes.

I too find myself revising and editing over and over, and then feeling like all the zest has gone out of the thing. Perhaps forget the opening, and write the rest (this is what I tell myself). Once the whole thing is written, perhaps what the first scene needs will then be clearer because it has the context of the whole to inform it.

Looking forward to reading more from you...

[Catherine F]

You must be right RR. Maybe leave it to simmer a while before going back to it. We wouldn't want to stumble upon a writer's block, would we?

[Simple Things]

revisions - yes they can become dangerous. I usually critique with the meaning to apply on the next piece of writing, or perhaps to test out in a flash challenge. This way the original sense of your story doesn't get lost behind the voices of many. Sometimes it's even good to just send the story out, that way you'll have actual real-time reaction from a publisher. There are few things worse in writing, than looking at your piece after many revisions and not recognising a single word of your own.

[Catherine F]

ST thank you for your last post, it helps take the pressure off 

[Clarius]

Carry the advice forward into your next piece otherwise you'll end up like Camus' Grande,  a writer fowever polishing that first opening paragraph.

[Catherine F]

Clarius this is exactly what I fear. But is Joseph Grand the ideal writer or a failure ? Anyway he sure tries. Like Sysiphe he keeps on rolling his rock up the mountain. And as my grand-mother used to say " Doing and undoing is still working" (Peneloppe may have said it also). It's getting late here, time to talk nonsense apparently... I'd better be off.

[Clarius]

Clarius this is exactly what I fear. But is Joseph Grand the ideal writer or a failure ? Anyway he sure tries. Like Sysiphe he keeps on rolling his rock up the mountain. And as my grand-mother used to say " Doing and undoing is still working" (Peneloppe may have said it also). It's getting late here, time to talk nonsense apparently... I'd better be off.

My reading of Grande was of a pathetic, tragic figure, forever dreaming of that 'hat's off' moment that never came, who ultimately found redemption by turning that same obsessive perfectionism to fighting the plague. (Camus' book is going on my holiday reading list.)

[Catherine F]

I'm not sure Clarius. I remember when I studied the Plague comments upon him being the real hero of the book, seen as a perfectionist on one hand, as an unhappy writer (a double of Camus sort of) on the other hand. For my part, I find beautiful in a sad sense his search/quest for the perfect rhythm in his first phrase. I'd probably need to read it again now, 30 or 40 years later : I may be stuck on a teenager's memory.

[Clarius]

I'm not sure Clarius. I remember when I studied the Plague comments upon him being the real hero of the book, seen as a perfectionist on one hand, as an unhappy writer (a double of Camus sort of) on the other hand. For my part, I find beautiful in a sad sense his search/quest for the perfect rhythm in his first phrase. I'd probably need to read it again now, 30 or 40 years later : I may be stuck on a teenager's memory.

Maybe it's with hindsight I see him like that; like you I'm remembering through a prism of years. The book wasn't on the curriculum but a student teacher gave it me. One thing I think I remember was being told was about it all being an allegory for the Nazi occupation, or is that something else I'm misremembering? Anyway, thanks to the magic of modern tech it's now on my Kindle. Guess what next week's book of the week is.

[Catherine F]

You're right about the Plague being an allegory of the Nazis ('the brown plague' I think they were called). You're also right about the magic of modern technology : yesterday I could read Jackson's "The Lottery" as soon as you mentionned it, because this short story exists in PDF ! The rest of the book I asked my library to get it for me. Should have it...next month ! And in french... So I might order it on line