Author Topic: Immigrants  (Read 1926 times)

Offline Tom 10

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Immigrants
« on: July 27, 2015, 07:19:12 PM »

    Immigrants

They live in the sauna
while they build a barn,
live in the barn
while they build a house.

Their sons get tongue-tied
around the awkward girl
on the next farm over

The names of their relatives
still back in the old country?
They give ‘em out,
one by one, to the cows.



Offline rosez

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Re: Immigrants
« Reply #1 on: July 28, 2015, 08:09:35 AM »
I like the way this proceeds, in a playful and clever manner. Enjoyed the ending. Nice work.

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Immigrants
« Reply #2 on: July 28, 2015, 08:56:53 AM »
Thanks Rosez. :)

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Immigrants
« Reply #3 on: July 28, 2015, 02:32:49 PM »
I can 'see'this -- god work. Couple of nits . . . too many 'the' interrupts what could be a better flow IMO, but maybe you want that to echo the speech patterns of immigrants. Anyhoo . . .  ::) :P


    Immigrants

They live in the sauna
while they build a barn,
live in the barn
while they build a house.

Their Sons get tongue-tied
around the awkward girl
on the next farm over.

The names of their relatives
And relatives' names
still back in the old country?
They give ‘em out,
one by one, to the cows.

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Immigrants
« Reply #4 on: July 28, 2015, 03:35:17 PM »
The Celestial Institute of Fiddle U Fingers is back in session :) - nice fiddle, I like the revisions.

Offline rosez

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Re: Immigrants
« Reply #5 on: July 28, 2015, 03:58:29 PM »
Just chiming in to say one big 'hello' to 510bhan. :)

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Immigrants
« Reply #6 on: July 28, 2015, 03:59:10 PM »
Hiya -- rosez.  ;D

Offline Welsh Rarebit

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Re: Immigrants
« Reply #7 on: July 30, 2015, 03:32:24 AM »
I like the 'simplicity' of this work, its clean and precise.  There is a sense of movement or instability throughout that captures the "stranger in a strange land".  Very strong message in few words.  Enjoyed!

Offline kateD

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Re: Immigrants
« Reply #8 on: July 30, 2015, 08:21:11 AM »
    Immigrants

They live in the sauna
while they build a barn,
live in the barn
while they build a house.

Their sons get tongue-tied
around the awkward girl
on the next farm over

The names of their relatives
still back in the old country?
They give ‘em out,
one by one, to the cows.


Not sure how I missed this one. (Guess 'cause I'm hanging out in Workshop these days.)

This is gave me a chuckle. Is "one by one" necessary? Kind of implied.

Now you've given me ideas for horse names....

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Immigrants
« Reply #9 on: July 30, 2015, 09:05:46 AM »
Thanks Welsh Rarebit, and Kate, for the read and kind comments.  Its a pretty light poem.  I lived for a time in a section settled by Finnish Immigrants, inhabited when I lived there by 3rd generation folks - they liked to tell the stories of their predecessors, and I liked to listen.

T