Jason's World - Logline - Feedback Needed

[Lucas_Knight]

Hello everyone,

This is the logline for the one hour comedy/drama series that I'm currently working on. After doing some research, I learned that it's best to have a logline when pitching an idea. I wanted to hear your opinions and know of anyways that can be used to improve what I have.

"When a closeted gay guy starts to explore his sexuality in the deepest parts of West Hollywood, he discovers he gets more than he bargained for" - Jason's World

Thank you for taking time to read this and can't wait to hear your thoughts.

[Alice, a Country Gal]

Jason, I hesitate to respond to this because I'm not a script writer, so have no experience with loglines. But I know they have been discussed here from time to time. So thought I would suggest you click the Search button near the top of the forum heading and put "logline" in the search line.

Hopefully this will give you some information.

Alice

[Lucas_Knight]

Thanks for the reply Alice and I will be sure to do that

[ChonkyDay]

he discovers he gets more than he bargained for

This part sounds a little strange. Maybe consider being more direct with your wording on what the conflict actually is or with what you discovers, because right now his discovery is far too vague to actually grab my attention.

Also, it's a good idea to write out multiple version of your logline and then see which logline piques everyone's interest the most. I'm definitely interested in what this story could be, but as of now it's not something that would get me to click on Netflix.